Birds World Cup (TM)

Interest in the Birds World Cup(TM) here I'd imagine has been greater than that at home. Women here are particularly into it, whereas I would suggest that the men are only watching it to see those tight shorts that Sepp Blatter decided to make compulsory.

So have we been watching? Has it been really awful? Or has it kind of been sexy in a mud wrestling kind of way without the mud or the wrestling? Lets be fair those birds play pretty tough don't they? No room for prima-donna's, or Christian Ronaldo's eh?

From what I have seen the passing and movement has been pretty good, some teams a lot better than others. You could see how they were trying to establish passages of play but the players were too often let down by the final ball or lack of general power and strength. The goalkeeping is bloody appalling mind and cringe-worthy at times.

I have only seen snippets on the box, and little of England up until Saturday when I got up early to watch the USA v England quarter final. There I was cereal bowl, cup of tea and the country of my birth versus the country of my residence. Excited? Nope, when the USA took the lead, I just shrugged. This is not really England is it? It's just 11 birds running around with an England shirt on. What did the people at home think?

I read that the BBC viewing figure for the quarter final was 1.9m but the commentating was crap. Two birds actually commentated on the game here, one Julie Foudy used to play, she has 271 caps (!) and also does the mens games as well.

The Americans were too strong but then again girls start playing soccer here from the age of 5 and believe me, some are very good. There are high expectations that they will go on and win the 'world series of soccerball.'

The last four consist of Norway, Germany, Brazil and the Yanks and the crowds should be decent for these games despite hosts China going out. However when Fifa seek to massage their Birds world cup(TM) message into a tale of unqualified success, please treat it with a healthy dose of scepticism. Stories of contrived 'rent-a-crowd' have surfaced almost every game. 'Fans' sat staring blankly ahead each wearing white t-shirts – the uniform, apparently, of those whom the organisers have enticed from the Shanghai schools and streets to the best seats in the house.
One earlier England game, was said to have sold 900 tickets but the official attendance was 27,146! When the world is watching for signs of China's ability to stage an attractive, atmospheric Olympics next year, appearances count.

My kinda town

Liz Keiller left Chicago today after a weekend of eating me out of tortilla chips and guacamole and drinking me and about 5 bars in the city out of pinot grigio and tequilla.

I don't remember Liz being much of a margarita drinker down the Jumbo but she certainly got the taste as she drunk about 24 of them on Saturday night. Those who know her will also be very pleased that she still buys $50 bottles of wine and then pours sparkling water on top of it. Don't see the point myself but imagine it is like throwing up after having a bloody good curry, i.e. a complete waste of fucking money.

She was in great form, happily living together with her trucker of a boyfriend in Watford, where their live consists of pinot grigio, pellegrino and yorkie bars. She seemed very happy to be out of the insurance market, although I did mention that if I was being brutally honest Corney & Barrow and Balls Brothers were not officially considered to be markets.

She asked me to pass her love onto everyone particularly Ready, who she remembered had made a love-pact to marry about 15 years ago, but he ran off to Thailand instead. Ready got a gorgeous looker and Liz got a balding trucker - there is no justice in this world.

Hargis Hammers top score

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 6
Thank fuck it wasn't Aaron Barden again, I was running out of headlines. Paul Hargis was this week's MoW with 51 points. A fiver will be invested in Northern Rock for Paul. The 2nd best week 6 score was another newcomer Greg Foulder. Then Ben Graves was the top jock in Div 1 and Danny Rose celebrated a big win for him by scoring the 4th best.

Next up were fine week's for Barwick & Higgs, Rutts, Chris Wright, Lee Day and ol' money bags himself Aaron Barden.

Other scores of note were had by Mark Simmons, a season best, and Paul Kelleher, the same as well as John Littig, likewise.

The worst performer was also the tallest, Davor Duvancic was giving it large the other day about Croatia beating England, well I don't know how well he did in week 6 but I gave him just 7 points anyway.

Barden sees some daylight

Breaking news 8888 Division 1 - week 6 news
Still Ajax Treesdown lead the way and a big gap has been opened at the top by Aaron of 28 points. Shall we hand him the trophy now Ready?

Sleepless Knights and Obafemi & the Femidoms swap places but only a point separates them in 2nd and 3rd. Another gap is down to 4th and Egg & (Stevie) Bacon lead the chasing pack.

In 7th Hannoi Utd make the top 7 after being in the relegation zone 4 weeks ago. Lesson for us all there. Runningoutofroubles FC move up two spots, Coming from behind again climb 3 places so do Space Badgers.

The bottom 8 remain unchanged but Tally.Wacker.co.uk move away from the drop zone.

Arsene Know all

Breaking news 8888 Division 2 - week 6 news
A new leader in Div 2 as Arsene Knows hit the summit after a 45-point week. Danny will have celebrated Arsene's new contract at the Emirates, which includes allowing him to 'coach' the under 8's as well, a potential sticking point in the negotiations I understand. Boswell's Megan & Hannah's bears fall to 2nd after 4 weeks on top, with Student Uprising continuing their good form into 3rd.

4th is Boys on Tour, who have settled in nicely to the hustle and bustle of N&R FL Div 2 football, certainly a tougher proposition that underwriting business at RSA. Just below Greg is Barrett the bollocks and Emirates FC and back in the early promotion places is Premiership here we come.

The biggest climber was MoW Paul Hargis. 24th last time, now 12th - great going by Harg's Hammers and Last train to Seaford also gained some good ground climbing from 21st to 16th.

Nipple Antennae stay rooted to the bottom but don't worry Tim, this is not really the world series, just like American sports, no one else on the planet cares about this league.

Road to Wembley - Quorn beef

Looks like the N&R FL Road to Wembley will be going vegetarian after Quorn FC tofued Alvechurch 5-0 in the 1st Qualifying Round last Saturday. According to limited reporting on the game Quorn had 5 attempts and scored every time. Quorn, who are based in Leicestershire play Evesham Utd in the next round on September 29th.

More on Unibond Division One South side Quorn FC soon.

New Bin Laden tape

Bin Laden has just sent a new TV message to prove he’s still alive. He said "Tottenham lost to Arsenal on Saturday." British Intelligence have dismissed it saying "It could have been recorded at any time in the last 12 years!"

Week 5

No such thing as the International break happened and I don't know about you but I think we can actually win the European Cup now don't you? I mean Scotland might be our biggest threat but really I do think Steve McClaren is absolutely the best thing that has happened to us since Sir Alf Ramsey, hick....

Back with week 6 soon, hick....

My kinda town

Been on a bit of travelling spell since the week 3 scores. So late with week 4 I'm afraid. I was in Las Vegas for a stag, sorry bachelor party. It was a good time then last week I was in New York working long days and drinking long nights, all with very important people you know....

No time to meet up with Barry, not that you're not important, sorry mate. This weekend I have an old mate coming to visit me in Chicago who some of you may remember. Liz Keiller, now a stay at home, well girlfriend I suppose. She has been a lady of leisure since she left Aon almost 2 years ago. I'm looking forward to seeing her. Then my brother is here, so pretty much after tonight I will be on the lash every night for 2 weeks.

That's it and just one further thought. Why do Americans have to supplement their lite beer drinking bollocks with rounds of shots? Why not just drink a stronger beer? Far more sensible in my book.

Rant over

Question. Can Liverpool win the league for the first time? Of course those previous 18 titles no longer count as football only started in this country in 1992 according to the suits in charge at the Premier League and Sky.

The Reds are looking pretty good aren't they? They hit top of the table before the international break for the first time in 5 years with Voronin, Babel and Torres all looking astute signings by the goateed one, particularly Richard Nathan's love child Fernando Torres, the new Kenny Daglish according to some-car-watching scouse scallies.

Man U look very average, no striker of note except sick note Saha and Tevez is looking very ordinary since he replaced Rooney.

Arsenal fans will be happy that Arsene has signed a new contract, but David Dein and dodgy Russian gazillionaires with bags of cash are hovering on the horizon ready to disrupt the sleepy marble walls of Ashburton Grove.

Chelsea and the Special One started like they had found the page in the coaching manual entitled 'attacking' but have gone back into the chapter headed 'boring' and have now won only 1 of their last 4 games.

And of course those four are the only contenders because no one else will get near them. Or will they? Man City with the Svenster? Don't make me laugh. Aston Villa? Nope, too inconsistent. West Ham. Yeh until Curbs poops his pants and starts defending 0-0 draws at home. Blackburn? Would be a decent bet but they will have so many suspensions to deal with by Christmas. Evertonzzzzzzzzzzzz, and what about Newcastle? Yes, what about Newcastle?

Did someone mention Spurs? In the top 4? I can see the Emirates stadium's shoulders going up down trying to control the laughter. Oh and wasn't Darren Bent good value at 16.5mill?

So Liverpool it is then, will make a nice change I suppose and will put them equal on titles with Dirty Leeds.

Talking of Dirty Leeds, down in Div 3 they deserve a N&R mention. 6 wins on the trot. Congratulations to Chelsea plants Wise, Poyet, and Uncle Ken Bates.

Oh and the Birds World Cup has started in China. The Americans are favourites only because they take it seriously. England have qualified after beating the dirty Argies 6-1 earlier today. You know what I make take more of an interest, particularly if they heeded Sepp Blatter's request for tighter shorts.

More on the Birds WC(TM) next week.

Ten spot for Barden

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 4
Week 4 and Aaron Barden wins the MoW again, that's a tenner the boy has banked already. Has he paid Ready??

50 points, identical from last week was enough for Barden to snatch the MoW, 5 more than Rob Beere and 6 more than Nobby.

In fact in Div 1 the nearest to Aaron were ex-champs Ryan Saveall and Ready, who both scored 38, 12 less than the winner. In Div 2 others did better. Neil Cryer scored 40 and league leader Alex Boswell also socred 38.

Other scores of note were Emma Wylie's 36, Paul Hargis' 37, Barry Paull's 35 and for all the wrong reason's Paul Long's 2 points, Ian Kennett's 9 and Tim Feldbruegge who scored 10.

Paul Long now owns the two worst weekly scores this season. Congratulations Mutley.

Lazy days and Mondays at AIG

Breaking news 8888 Division 1 - week 4 news
A new leader in week 4 as Ajax Treesdown took over from Obafemi & the Femidoms as early season leaders. Aaron scoring big for the 2nd week in succession. Surely they must have more to do at AIG than just play fantasy football league all day, like helping Francey with his excel for example.

Sleepless Knights remain 3rd, also clearly doing bugger all at work, and Flighty Feet in 5th.... Francey, I see a theme developing here.... Oh hang on, your Keep the faith are 6th, is there any point doing a Team Challenge Trophy table?

Egg & (Stevie) Bacon are dropping faster than Britney's pants and just outside the main challengers are Tora Tora Torres and Hannoi Utd, who a team in form. Further down NY Eagles are on the march upwards, just as Pure Irish are going backwards. Thank god, someone at AIG is doing some poxy work.

The bottom 8 stay the same but Suzie's Sausages sizzled up 3 places.

Inverted Nipple

Breaking news 8888 Division 2 - week 4 news
Megan & Hannah's Bears streched their lead slightly and stayed top of the table for the 4th consecutive week. Arsene Knows remain in 2nd with 3rd place the Barrett's Bollocks. Next are Emirates FC who top scored in Div 2 in week 4, Student Uprising drop to 5th and the early promotion party threw open its doors to Emma's Wylie Coyotes after an impressive 36 points.

Californication and Boys on Tour make up the top 6 with Premiership here we come, Carnarvon Kickers, Rochdale at Lloyds and the mighty Nobs Jockeys, who have finally got their shit together, close behind.

What the hell now take up reign in the 2nd worst team in the world place with Nipple Antennae tuning out completely in last place.

Letters

These are actual letters that appeared in Sports Illustrated the other week. I think the phrase which includes arse, get, head, out and of comes to mind.

"If I invite David Beckham over to the house to watch paint dry on the walls, will that make it more exciting? I don't think so. Soccer in the United States was boring before David Beckham, and it will be boring with David Beckham."

Steve Shaeval, Woodland Hills, California

"Every few years we go through something like this. That Hamm woman was going to make us a soccer nation. Some US team or other winning a few games or other a few years ago was going to do it. Now Beckham is going to change our lives. Please. Neither I nor any sports fan I know would walk to the window if they were playing the world series of soccer in our front yard. I'm not demeaning the game, I'm just ignoring it. Please let me do so in peace."

Alfred Munsell, Laconia, New Hampshire

Road to Wembley - Alvec moi

Alvechurch beat Bolehall Swifts 3-1 on Saturday in the FA Cup Preliminary Round. They progress to the 1st Qualifying Round and only another 96 rounds before they get to Wembley. Go on the Church!

LEE CHILTON gave his side the lead after 32 minutes but Swifts struck back moments before half-time. But KEITH ROSTILL gave his side the lead yet again after 67 minutes and made sure 'Church's name was in the hat for the next round by grabbing his second in injury time.

86 hardy soles were at Bolehill, which is somewhere near Tamworth apparently to see Alvechurch's victory and they now play the meat free Quorn FC in the next Round on September 15th. I believe we have come across Quorn in our Road to Wembley's before. In fact, just looked them up and Luke Varney of Charlton fame (sic) started his career there before signing for Crewe. Now you know....

Photo of the week

"What's the score Jordan, Jordan, what's the score?" Bragging rights to the Addicks after their 1-0 victory over Crystal Palarse Saturday.

The Bard

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 3
Aaron Barden was the collector of the 3rd fiver of the season after a half century of points. Godders was next up with 44, then Nobby with a wonderful 41, shame he then went and transferred half his team. Comrade Ready hit 40 to kick start his season and Dom Barrett scored 39.

Danny Rose had a good week with 38 which put his side in 2nd place of Div 2 and Chris Wright also did well in the same division with 35.

Other scores of interest were season lows for PK and Kirsty, while Francey, Barry Paull and current champion Ryan Saveall all batted season highs.

In Div 2 consistency was the name of the game for Rob Beere and Greg Foulder. Sweaty hit a season's best as did Ian Monahan and the week's worst score was by Martin Lee, with unlucky 13.

Ajax power

Breaking news 8888 Division 1 - week 3 news
Aaron Barden's Ajax Treesdown surge into 2nd place, a jump of 7 places, to within 10 points of front runner Obafemi & the Femidoms after hitting week 3's best score. Sleepless Knights nuzzle up in 3rd with Glasgow kiss slipping to 4th. Flighty Feet, Egg & (Stevie) Bacon and Runningoutofroubles all remain in the top places which give Div 1 a consistent look even though proper managers say that you shouldn't judge a league table to at least week 7.

So Brighton Blues, please don't despair.

Tally.Wacker.co.uk got caught with his pants down and sinks to 14th, Keep the faith, buoyed by the Seagulls new ground becoming a reality, moves up to 10th. Hannoi Utd whalloped 40 pts and move up the table 6 places. Lovejoy's Luvvies are the new entrant into the prepubescence relegation zone.

Arsene know-all

Breaking news 8888 Division 2 - week 3 news
Megan & Hannah's bears' early lead at the top of Div 2 was cut to just a point after an excellent week from Arsene Knows.

Student Uprising continue happily in 3rd after scoring 35 pts and Barrett's the Bollocks move into 4th with Californication up a slot to 5th. Godders' Premiership - here we come join the top 8 for the first time this season after scoring the 2nd best weekly score.

Elsewhere Red Bull Ginger plummet 9 places after a poor week, PLG is a Fud climb 6 places in the other direction and Nobs Jockeys finally get their arse into gear and hit a very decent 41 points and move off the bottom. Thus meaning that I won't carry out my threat made to Mark Simmons that I was going to withdraw from the league if I was still bottom after week 3.

That pleasure is now had by Hargs Hammers, although he does not actually own the worse score over the two divisions.

Rant over

So Becks has knackered his knee. When will he learn that going into a tackle like a girl and falling over like he's been picked out by a sniper is not big or clever. 6 weeks out and Tom Cruise and the rest of LA want their money back.

Transfer window deadline today. Marcus Bent will thankfully now be looking up skirts and pulling old slags in Wigan and not Chinawhites. Derby and Sunderland prepare themselves for The Championship promotion race next season by signing Kenny Miller and Kenwyne Jones respectively.

One of the strangest deals was old 'Arry signing Glen Johnson for £4m but letting Gary O'Neil go to Middlesbrough. I can only imagine the brown paper bag the accompanied the Boro offer was too good to turn down.

Mad Dog Martin Allen got the tin-tac from Leicester this week after beating Watford 4-1. Apparently Allen had declined his chairman's overtures that he should sign Jimmy Fat Hasselbaink on 20k a week. That Mandaric bloke should get his head out of arse, especially in a week when football lost 3 young men is tragic circumstances.

QPR's Ray Jones used to light up a room with his smile according to the man that signed him, Ian Holloway. He and two of his friends died in a car accident last weekend.

Young Sevilla player Antonio Puerta had it all but lost his life by sadly dying of a cardiac arrest suffered whilst playing last Sunday against Getafe. His dream was to play for his home town club - he did but sadly only 54 times.

Then a young Zambian player called Chaswe Nsofwa died after collapsing during a training session with his Israli 2nd division side Hapoel Beersheba on Wednesday.

And finally Liverpool FC as a tribute to 11-year old Rhys Jones who was shot dead by scumbags last weekend played the Everton Z Cars anthem over their public address system as the players came out for their Champions League match on Tuesday.

Class, something that Milan Mandaric will no nothing about.

Movers and Shakers

A couple of N&R transfers recently that I felt needed to be announced. In Chicago Paul Long left AmWins to join Colemont Insurance Brokers. "A premier global insurance and reinsurance broker" it says on their website. Hang on, I will need to check that again.

And Emma Wylie has left Lansons, who judging by the way she dances, I assumed were the house of champagne to join a company that I have never heard of called MRM. So I googled MRM and found the Mormonism Research Ministry. Congratulations I am sure you and your 4 husbands will be very happy.

Road to Wembley - A bit about Alvechurch FC

Our Cup boys take on Bolehall Swifts, who are in the same Midland league as Alvechurch's last victims, Cadbury Athletic on Saturday. Look out for their result. Here is a bit on The Church:

- Team manager is Shaun Cunnington. He used to play for Wrexham, Grimsby and Sunderland.

- Previous players include Arsenal's Alan Smith and former Ireland star and Preston assistant manager David Kelly

- The furthest they have ever been in the FA Cup is the 3rd Round proper in 1973/4

- Home colours are gold & black

- They were formed in 1929 and play at the beautiful Ley Meadow in Redditch.

Femidoms finger a fiver

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 2
Apologies to my lady readers for the headline but blame Mark Wenman for a ridiculous name - how can I be funny about femidoms, eh? Probably the most unsexy love device since Greg Harris.

Anyway this is dear Nobby, not dear Deidre, and I have to tell you that Mark Wenman won the 2nd MoW award and a fiver will be making its way I am sure over the bar in The Lamb very shortly. Wenners rattled in 54 points, 5 more than Razor Nathan.

Other decent weeks were gained by Dewbs (47) and again by Glasgow's finest Kirsty Baillie (46).

Div 2 was a bit closer with Chris Wright notching 40 points, fellow AIGer Chris Waterman scoring 39, ex-Aiger Boswell with 38, and Megan McLeod and Danny Rose each managing 35 from different sides of the Atlantic.

The two worst scores were from Paul Long, who I have noticed has just made 6 transfers and Paul Hargis, who is a Hammers fan so that makes that a lot clearer.

Wenners doing somersaults

Breaking news 8888 Division 1 - week 2 news
Obafemi & the Femidoms proudly sit atop of the N&R Division 1 after a stunning week of action. They are just 3 points in front of Glasgow kiss, who have started the campaign very perky indeed. In 3rd is Sleepless Knights with early season favourites Flighty Feet in 4th.

Johnny Mc is carrying on his good form from last season with Runningoutofroubles FC just behind Higgs & Barwick in 5th. And two of my favourite team names Egg & (Stevie) Bacon and Tora Tora Torres share 6th place.

Inter Thepub and Pure Irish make great gains after week one and Hannoi Utd head a number of teams hoping not to be in the relegation places too long.

The bottom four are Croatian drug-runner and part time gofor Davor's Dinamo Ilegalna Imigrant, James' Space Badgers, John's (non-playing) Rooney & Ronaldo's Revenge and finally Paul & Christian's Brighton Blues.

Here come the Bears

Breaking news 8888 Division 2 - week 2 news
Megan & Hannah's Bears continue the season in fine fettle after another good week - 38 for Alex. Arsene Knows and I'm sure he does, are in 2nd now, 6 points ahead of a triumvirate of teams.

They are Get him Big Dave, virgin boy Student Uprising and virgin on the ridiculous Carnarvon Kickers. In 6th is Californication, 7th lie Barretts the Bollocks and 8th is Emirates FC.

On their heals are Red Bull Ginger, The Wylie Coyotes, Helen's Hotties and Boys on Tour.

Further down the table in 17th is Wizzi's Wonders, who were unfortunate to get relegated and new boy's What the hell in 24th. Bottom is Nobs Jockeys and frankly I give up.

Rant over

So Flapper Robinson is worse than Calamity James? Surely if Kasey Keller can play for Fulham, then Peter Shilton could make a return for England because blimey he could do no worse. Can you imagine the next north London derby? Lehmann and Robinson together. Wow, one for the goalkeeping connoisseurs that. I might be biased and I think Godders would agree with me, but put Scott Carson in for the games against Israel, Russia and Hrvatska.

Of course we could all club together for a private jet to allow Becks a quicker commute, or how about sacking Steve 'very interesting' McLaren and replacing him with that very nice Swedish man with glasses. Always rated the bloke personally.

There was a time that a league table wasn't produced until after 4 games. I used to like it that way, particularly if Charlton lost their first 4 games, then it was almost like it didn't count. But I have come to realise that the papers now produce tables after 1 game to give fans of clubs outside the big four a chance to gloat because lets face it after 4 games it reads something like the following (in no particular order):

1. Man Utd
2. Chelsea
3. Arsenal
4. Liverpool

And then it doesn't change for the next 9 months. Dull, dull, dull. No stop it Spurs fans, don't make me laugh - get back to your phone and ring the 606 show.

But what about Man City being top then? I bet Neil Cryer let more dodgy quotes go through the books the day after the Manc derby win than ever before. Razor, if you are reading this - send your last quarter's book of dodgy Marsh deals straight to the Franchise Board. Piece of piss.

Has Martin Jol been sacked yet? What's that? A vote of confidence, oh great I bet that has cheered the Dutchman up. Little Sam at Bolton's getting it in the neck too, whilst you have to give it to Big Sam don't you? I mean how many managers do Newcastle have to have before their fans realise that they are shit. Winning one game does not make you Champions League winners. Please put your tops back on and start booing again.

Finally was Roy Keane right about what he said on WAGS controlling their husbands. Does he not think that footballers are not intelligent human beings and have their own minds? Don't answer that.

Road to Wembley - Cadbury's flunk

After holding Alvechurch to a 1-1 draw at home on Saturday, Cadbury Athletic succumbed to a heavy defeat on Tuesday in the replay. Cadbuy play at a rung below Alvechurch on the football ladder and Saturday's first game was Cadbury's big chance to progress particularly when leading 1-0.

However Alvechurch become our new N&R Road to Wembley team after hammering the chocolate boys 6-0. Goals coming from RAVI SANGHA (2), KEITH ROSTILL, STUART HENSMAN, LEE CHILTON and a OG wrapped things up. Alvechurch will play Bolehall Swifts from the Tamworth area in the next round.

The attendances for the two games were 68 at Cadbury and a whopping 89 at Alvechurch on Tuesday.

Please don't forget the entry money

In the immortal words of Bob Geldof. We want your fucking money. Please excuse my Irish accent, but if you have not paid yet, then please either do so by one of the following means:

1) Send my parents a cheque made out to me or drop it in my bank. Details as follows:

8 Paddock Gardens
Wannock
Polegate
E Sussex
BN26 5PW

2) Pop the money into my bank account in the UK. These are the details:

Simon J Newport
NatWest
Sort Code
56 00 18
A/C no. 08164193

3) Send a cheque or a check to me in Chicago at:

Simon Newport
Aon Risk Services
200 East Randolph Street
Chicago, IL
USA 60601

4) Pass it to Ready in the London Market. He will be on the prowl.

Any manager not paid up by early September will face expulsion from the N&R League - sorry, but we mean it!

Bozzie's boondoggle

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 1
The early days of the season always throw up some surprises. Man City top of the Premiership whilst Man Utd and Bolton battle it out for relegation. Leeds relegation odds being cut from 2/1 to 4/1 and the biggest surprise is that West Ham have yet to be accused of doing anything unlawful, although it was settling to see Craig Bellamy have a spat with his manager just 2 games into the season - some things never change.

And so in the world of N&R fantasy, it does ocassionally follow reality particularly when old cart-horse Alex Boswell wins the season's first MoW the award. An extra 5 quid will be finding its way into Megan and Hannah's pocket money we hope.

Alex was closely followed by early Div 1 leader Ben Graves, who scored 44 points and Huw Thomas (see, I told you the first week is fcuked up!), John McGowan and new boy Howard Grace.

The weeks worst score was actually in Div 1 and owned by Davor Duvancic, the Croat mafiosa, who managed a utterly rubbish 6 points.

Wake up and smell the bacon

Breaking news 8888 Division 1 - week 1 news
Egg & (Stevie) Bacon is a stoopid name for a fantasy football team, but it might be one that we have to get used too, as Ben was the quickest out of the blocks in N&R Division 1 last weekend. Ben is a point ahead of Runningoutofroubles FC, an apt name but we are sure John won't be one of those new-found Chelski fans that moves on to supporting Man City once Roman gets bored or imprisoned and it all goes to pot at Stamford Bridge.

Glasgow and Oldham have often being compared and Kirsty and last season's champion Ryan Saveall occupy good early berths as does Obeonekanobenil. God, I wish you lot would give your teams sensible names, like Catherine and Karen's Flighty Feet, who stand in 6th.

Below their soft paws come Wenners' Obafemi & the Femidoms, and Tally.Wacker.co.uk. Now, in case you were wondering what a Tally Wacker is PK kindly gave us a link to this http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=TALLY+WACKER. Yes, simply a big dick then, how very suitable.

At the bottom as we have already said is Dinamo Ilegalna Imigrant, 5 points behind Lamb to the Slaughter.

Other teams worth a mention were Keep the faith, with Francey's celebrated excel spreadsheet having a good start to the season, Soozie's sausages, who should frankly get it on with Ben Graves for a bloody good fry-up, scoring 26 and last season's surprise package Richard Nathan's Tora Tora Torres notching 17.

Flat up top and tight at the bottom

Breaking news 8888 Division 2 - week 1 news
Megan & Hannah's bears sit proudly on top of N&R Division 2 after the first round of scores with Get him Big Dave in 2nd.

Carnarvon Kickers was a late entry - Howard texting me on the Friday night drunk as a skunk whilst stood outside The Lamb, but they are in 3rd just ahead of Pete Doyle's Red Bull Ginger - a lethal cocktail if I ever heard one. Arsene Knows lie in 5th, with Barrett's the Bollocks making a welcome return in 6th.

New boy Greg Foulder saw his Boys on tour make an excellent start as did Helen's Hotties, of which I am assured there are 11 of and not just 2!

Endurance's collective team, The wise prankers with Martin Lee as head coach also had a very good first week and lie in joint 8th.

The bottom is very tight (sic) with Lee's Last train to Seaford on 15 and then 3 teams each on 17 - What the hell, 2Infinity & beyond and a pile of poop called Nobs Jockeys. Dear me, after 13 bloody years of doing this, you would have thought that I might be friggin half decent at it, eh?

Other teams first weeks to note were early season favourites Premiership here we come and Californication who scored 28 and 27 respectively. Goonersmoan hit just n-n-n-19 and N&R's new friend the Wylie Coyotes, who I took a bit of a fancy to at the end of season do, although I suspect it was mutual, scored 26 in her first week.

Picture of the week

Becks scored his first goal with a trademark curling free-kick, in his first start for LA Galaxy in Wednesday's SuperLiga semi-final win over DC United. It was about time because the locals were getting a bit tardy as his huge move to the MLS has not gone quite to plan.

The Road to Wembley - Cadbury Athletic FC

All of you plastic Chelski, ManU, Arsenal and Liverpool fans probably think that the FA Cup begins at the semi-final stage in May, well you and your tv remote controls would be wrong, because the world's most famous cup competition, 2nd only to the MLS' Lamar Cup, actually begins this weekend with the Extra Preliminary Round.

372 teams from all over the country take part in the first round on Saturday and as is customary, we have selected one to put the quite considerable full weight of N&R FL behind it.

Come Saturday night over-weight postman, candlestick makers and underwriters will be heroes in towns and villages across England as they their teams progress to the Preliminary Round proper in a couple of weeks time. 13 victories later and they will walk out at the final at Wembley on May 17th, 2008. Easy.

This is the full draw.

There are some great names amongst them including West Allotment Celtic, Esh Winning, Bottesford Town, Daisy Hill, Maine Road, Blackpool Mechanics, Coventry Sphinx, Walsham Le Willows and Bemerton Heath Harlequins but we have plumped for someone close to everyones heart.

Cadbury Athletic FC play in the Midland Football Combination Premier Division and are affiliated with the Cadbury's factory based in Bournville. Better than that Hershey's toilet anyday of the week!

The club use Cadbury's logo as its badge and even play in the Cadbury's corporate colours of purple and white. Cool eh? The players do not however wear little white masks.

They have their own website - click here, and check out star player Leon Mooney's photograph!

It is Cadbury Athletic's first ever appearance in the FA Cup and they will be our first boys on the road to Wembley and play Alvechurch at home on Saturday at 3pm.

Cadbury Athletic - Did you know?

1) Cadburys sell enough Cadbury Dairy Milk each year to cover all 92 Premier and Nationwide League football pitches in the UK - five times over.

2) If all the Creme Eggs made each year were stacked one on top of each other they would stretch from the Bournville factory in Birmingham to Australia - around 12,000 miles.

3) Over 1,300,000,000 Cadbury Roses chocolates are sold every year in the UK - enough for 25 per person.

4) The total weight of Cadbury Dairy Milk produced in one year is equivalent to 51,641 minis or 7,230 Indian elephants.

5) Cadbury Athletic Football Club was formed in 1994 by an employee of Cadbury's

6) Cadbury's products include Flake, Creme Egg, Double Decker, Picnic, Crunchie bar, Heroes, Mile Tray and LA Galaxy.

Division 1 and Divsion 2 split

55 managers, £1,375 in prize money, which is roughly $10,000. Two divisions, big question: who will be in which. Here you go:

Division 1

Ryan Saveall will be attempting to retain his trophy, something that the majority of previous winners have found very difficult. Last year’s runner up and previous champion Ready will start as one of the early favourites as will the dream team of Barwick and Higgs. Other pre-season desirables include Barry Paull, Paul Kelleher, Ben Graves and dirty Leeds fan Rob Munden, who will start with a 15 point deficit for a laugh.

Last year’s Championship winner Mark Simmons does our scores, and fuck I don’t check them, so he must have a chance as does another promoted man, Iron Mark Wenman.

Last season’s first timers generally did very well. Paul Long, who gets more help than he lets on from his son, will start in Div 1 as will AIG's Aaron Bardon, Razor Richard Nathan and a little known soccer fan John Littig. Or should that read knows little about soccer?

Other Div 1 starters are Mark Dewberry, who surprised everyone last season, including all of his colleagues at AIG, the very sexual Kirsty Baillie and the less sexual Alex Byatt, who forms 1/9th of the Aon Re posse.

Promoted managers include 2nd season Shay Reddy, ex-champion Soozie Syrett, who incidentally is looking for a boyfriend, and is listening to offers. Send SAE via me here at Nobby & Ready Towers with photo, plus Nigel Tatlock and Glenn Francis.

The big turn up last season was the promotion of both Ian France and Alan Oakley. Francey who abides by an excel spreadsheet, the same one that Leeds use for budgeting purposes, turned the tables upside down on the bookmakers and got promoted as did Oakers, who abides by The Sun and what he overhears in the boozer lunchtime.

Because a huge influx of new managers to the N&R FL, both Davor Duvancic and Hilary Ryan are given relegation reprives. Davor, an illegal immigrant living in a basement flat in Chicago with 15 of his sisters will be hoping for a good season as will Paddy Hilary Ryan.

And lastly James Down, who missed out on promotion by a couple of points, starts the season in the top flight too.

Division 2

Starting in the 2nd Division will be last year’s relegated managers, the fallen from grace ex-champion twice over Peter Godfrey. Also dumped into the second tier were another ex-champ Barry Plummer, new bird Megan McLeod plus a couple of old moaners Brian Rutter and Neil Cryer, who frankly were both not good enough for the top division anyhow!

As well as a couple of the relegated managers, I would say Rut and Godders, Danny Rose should also be there or thereabouts. Another previous champion (my that must have been a good bribe) Peter Doyle should challenge as too will Chris Waterman, who rumour has it, is paid so shit he can no longer afford to pay for the end of season curry's around at AIG.

Other players who will be hoping for far better seasons in this league are Chicago-based Michael Stout and Tim Feldbruegge, who teams up with his mate Dennis. A quick starter is Lee Day, but he soon becomes a bit of a flop. We need more stamina from the chicken eater this season.

Huw Thomas was part of the team that won the Team Challenge Trophy last season despite a lowly finish.

Then there are perennial bottom feeder battlers such as Rob Beere, Alex Boswell, Martin Singleton and Lee Baughan. Nobby puts himself in that collection of degenerates as well.

The N&R FL sees a return to the fray of Dom Barrett and Ian Monahan, whilst Howard Grace graces us with his presence and finally we have new contenders and fantasy unknown quantities of Steve Black, Martin Lee (who is leading an Endurance team), Helen Peters, Greg Foulder, Paul Hargis, Emma Wylie and Chris Wright.

Week 1’s scores will be out soon.

Sack Race - we have a winner

It is normally custom for bets to be waged on who will be the first football manager to get fired after the season starts. This season that race lasted 2 days after Carlisle United sacked ex-Palace coach Neil McDonald after just 1 game, a draw at Walsall. Last season McDonald led Carlise to 8th in League One.

"The board of Carlisle United Football Club regret to say that they have lost confidence in Neil McDonald and are terminating his contract forthwith" said a statement." Nice work.

So, who will be the first manager to get the old heave-oh in the Premeirship? Here are the current odds:

Lee S 5/2
Hutchings C 4/1
Curbishley A 6/1
Jol M 8/1
Bruce S 10/1
Sanchez L 10/1
Davies B 12/1
Southgate G 14/1
Redknapp H 20/1
Wenger A 20/1
Benitez R 25/1
Moyes D 25/1
Mourinho J 25/1
Allardyce S 33/1
Ferguson A 33/1
Coppell S 33/1
Hughes M 33/1
Keane R 33/1
Eriksson S 33/1
O'Neil M 40/1

The two favourites were both only appointed pre-season. Interesting that Sven is one of the outsiders. Also think Martin Jol may just have moved up the rankings after 2 opening defeats. I would plump for Curbs, althought O'Neil at 40's is worth a fiver I would say.

Rooney out

Tough titty for all of you that chose Wayne Rooney is your starting line ups. After Michael Duberry stood on his toe accidentially on Sunday, Rooney suffered a hairline fracture to his toe for the 3rd time in 3 years.

Congratulations to those of you that plumped for Carlos Tevez, as he now looks likely to see a lot more action over the next 8 weeks.

Remember the weekly deadline is Tuesday at 5pm GMT. Click here for all injury updates.

Kick off

The fantasy league season started for me on early Saturday morning, sorting through 54 entries and putting them into some semblance of order with a massive hangover. I was back in London this weekend and got horribly hammered Friday night and stayed at a friends place, who had tracing paper for curtains, so waking up with a cracking headache, jetlag and having to turn my laptop on hopefully proves to you that this N&R FL malarkey is not all as gamourous as you lot probably make out.

This season we will run two divisions, based on last season’s final places. All new entrants will have to start at the bottom and work their way up. We have 27 entries in Div 1 and 27 in Div 2, and we expect there will be a certain coming together of the best scoring sides at some time in the season, so we get the ultimate best manager.

There will also be the Nobby & Ready Team Challenge Trophy and 11 teams will contest that to have the honour of having a tacky trophy on their desks, engraved by the blind cobbler two blocks from where I live.

Of course we will have a weekly winner, i.e. the manager who hits the week’s best score over the two divisions and plenty of other goodies that Keith and I will dream up over the course of the next 9 months.

If can find the time I might resurrect the N&R Questionnaire, if only to get Rob Munden’s response to some rather embarrassing questions.

A big welcome back to the familiar names, some of which have been with us for 10 years and a warm welcome to a host of new faces this year, some actually quite attractive, but some quite ugly.

For those of you new to the most sought after insurance (and select hangers-on) fantasy league on the planet, it is on here, http://www.nobbyandready.blogspot.com/ that you will find all the news, stories and utter bollocks that this season’s N&R FL will bring.

Weekly scores will come out weekly, no shit Sherlock, or depending on how busy or drunk I am.

Every manager can make 12 transfers at any time, with no restrictions on how many players you can have from one club, just a maximum team value of 50million quid and a formation of either a 4-4-2 or a 4-4-3. The weekly deadline is Tuesday at 5pm GMT.

Just to help you lot of amateurs, and to prevent Ready and I sweeping up, on the right hand column of this web page you will find all kind of helpful links. Go on click on a few. Oh, and the top one is all about my rock star life as a Charlton fan and expatriated insurance broker living in Chicago, just in case you can’t sleep at night wondering what the heck I am up to.

That just leaves me to wish good luck to you all. Amongst other things this is a way for me to keep in touch with some old and new friends in London and the US, so please make it as interactive as possible. We have had over 5,000 visits to the blog, so please feel free to comment and I am such a girl when it comes to gossip, so don’t forget to include me on an email or just drop me a line once and a while.

Take care and enjoy the rest of the summer.
Nobby & Ready

Pay Up

If you have come by here, then you must be looking for payment.

Please either send my parents a cheque made out to me or drop it in my bank. Details as follows:

My parents address:
8 Paddock Gardens
Wannock
Polegate
E Sussex
BN26 5PW

My bank details:
Simon J Newport
NatWest
Sort Code
56 00 18
A/C no. 08164193

Or pass Ready the money owed. Thanks.

At last

Sorry this has taken so long to get out. I did most of it ages ago, but then had family in town and then I flew to London (was nice to see a few of the boys for a pint) and all along I planned to write a bit about each manager and never got around to it.

However, before the end of season drinks on Tuesday 24th July (see below for more details) I will give my very intelligent thoughts on all of your performances, and it won't all be complimentary!

Also on the 24th I will be giving out the prizes and will be collecting next years entry money. Next year by the way, anyone not paying within the first few weeks will get thrown out of the league, cos this is losing me money.

So, here it is.... the N&R FL 2006/07 final newsletter....

Enjoy, Nobs

The Declaration of Independence

So what did Americans do with their freedom, won from us Brits 231 years ago? How do they spend their precious national holiday? The answer is Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest.

Whilst your normal American will consume 150 million hot dogs today, never failing to miss an oportunity for the 91st time the world's most famous hot dog eating contest, a status I imagine not that difficult to achieve, will take place later today. Last year 30,000 people actually attended the event, whilst incredibly, but this is America, another 1.5 million households watched legend unfold live on ESPN! Sorry, I get indigestion just watching someone on a bus eat a sandwich.

The competition is held in Coney Island in New York, which is the original home of the famous Nathan's hot dog stand and according to one lardy official the event is "rich with zeal and pageantry, the Nathan’s Famous International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest puts the basis of human endeavor on display for all the world." I am now officially scared and nope I have never had one either.

According to legend, on July 4th, 1916 four immigrants had a hot dog eating contest at Nathan's Famous stand in Coney Island to settle an argument about who was the most patriotic. After twelve minutes, James Mullen had eaten thirteen hot dogs and was crowned the victor. 13? Girl.

Now the event sponsored by Heinz attracts 'competitive eaters' from all over the world, well America and Japan anyway. Like most things these days the Japanese are dominant and only one Yank has won the competition since 1996. Sadly last year's winner Takeru Kobayashi is a late fitness doubt with a case of "creaky jaw." Last year Kobayashi ate 53¾ hot dogs and their buns in 12 minutes, a gut-busting record munch.

Only in America. July 4th, the day the Brits came to their senses!

Sav wins his Spurs

Breaking news 8888 The N&R Premiership - week 40 scores
58 points was like an ocean seperating Ryan's Savchenko Spurs from the competition as the N&R first timer became the league champion following in such fine footsteps as luminaries as Godders, Ready, Doyley, Plumms and Soozie.

Ryan ran a fine race, particularly in the last 5 weeks when he regained the lead from Barwick & Higgs. In the final week Sav scored 18 which was plenty and the young man will be presented to coveted trophy in person by Nobby & Ready at the annual gala prize evening (see elsewhere for details).

In 2nd was indeed Keith, whose Hannoi Utd crept up the table from mid-March. 2nd place is not bad from someone who ended the first half of the season with the 13th best score.

3rd remained the dream team of Barwick & Higgs, who continued their fine form last year and once again Flighty Feet were big cash winners. In 4th came fantasy stalwart Barry Paull, and his story was the most remarkable. NY Eagles were twice in the relegation zone, the last time as recent as March but they put a fantastic run to surge into title contention and eventually with 2 weeks before the end of the 40-week marathon got themselves into the top 7 for the first time and stayed 4th to win big.

Dewberry was another manager who dallied with relegation but also found some crazy form in the Spring to become a surprise package and it will certainly be an East Indian Summer for Dewbs who came 5th.

6th was another surprise - the lovely Kirsty and Glasgow kiss. Kirsty had a great first half of the season and took some great form (oo-er) in the N&R Premiership. She had a spring wobble (oo-er) but came good (oh, this is get ridiculous) to finish the job in 6th just 5 points ahead of a tied 7th.

Now I thought about goal difference or goals scored or best haircut or nickname to separate McGowan and Nathan, but heck they both have bad haircuts so I will give them both a prize.

Johnny Mc has been a constant underachiever so deserves his palace and as for Razor, it is totally beyond me that he managed to finish so high anyway. Therefore 7th place will be split between Roubles FC and Cristiano's Allstars.

The teams that missed out but had excellent seasons nevertheless are Rooney & Ronaldo Rockstars and Christian Dailly Football Genius.

8 egg & spooned into Championship

Breaking news 8888 The N&R Premiership relegation battle - week 40 scores
The relegation race was more of an egg and spoon than a 100m dash. Not much to report in the final weeks, a bit of jockeying for position to stave off some embarrassment in the boozer. You know Godders' I Still *ing Hate Chelsea got off the bottom, ex-champ 2Infinity & beyond moved up a bit but it will be Wizzis Wonders and #1 Strugglers who will kick themselves the most as both had fine first half of the season's and carried that forward initially into the Premiership but both Dave & Davor got sucked into the relegation mire and will drop a division next season.

Thieving Chelsea Gits, Lovejoys Lovies, Epping 'dog walking' club and Living in Sin were the great survivors. Rob, Alex, Paul and Brian both danced with the relegation devil but their Premiership status remains.

The Underwriting cop had the pleasure of finishing bottom 18 points adrift of Godders. The ever miserable Goonersmoan dropped as did the lovely Nut Meg in her first season, although she can be proud of her performance up until Christmas and rather surprisingly last season's 4th London Irish completed the jigsaw.

Missed tackle

Breaking news 8888 The N&R Championship - week 40 scores
As expected Mark Simmons' Sven and Janas strolled across the finissh line and swept the N&R Championship title by 28 points. The next five all kept their places to achieve promotion. Bollocks to Ballack, Jonny Forskins and the Phullbacks, Thank You 4 The Daze and In Tatters all did enough to move up to the world of the N&R Premiership.

Then in 6th previous champion Soozie's Ping Pong held on after a wonderful last few weeks to go up as well, whilst Francey's Vote Seagulls Party also joined the party.

The drama came for the last place available with James Down's Massive Tackle missing out in the last week despite a half-decent week 40 score. James had been a fixture in the top 8 for 19 of the 21 weeks but will play his fantasy football in the Championship again next season.

The final 8th place was tied between Kennett's Incontentia B uttocks and Francis' Lamb to the slaughter, who were out of contention a few weeks back. Both will get promoted.

Behind James in 10th was Crown Jewells, who like Nobby's North of Crystal Palarse and Rose's Rovers all finished the season strongly but it wasn't enough.

Down at the bottom, Sweaty's Le Guen's Revolution picked up the wooden spoon and Boswell's Megan & Hannah's Bears comfortably walked away with the N&R penultimate prize award.

The Hall of Fame

Another season, another champion. Not since 1998 has a team retained this glorious trophy and Ryan will be hoping he can change that next year. His teammate Ready has come closer than most though and frankly puts me to shame!

This is the list of champions, with Ryan proudly the newest edition etched onto a famous list:

League Champions
2006/07 Savchenko Spurs - Ryan Saveall
2005/06 Ping Pong Yo-Yo - Suzie Syrett
2004/05 Ginger (not so) Athletic - Peter Doyle
2003/04 Chang Noi's Ham Yai - Keith Read
2002/03 2Infinity & Beyond - Barry Plummer
2001/02 Read 'em & weep - Keith Read
2000/01 Brighton Revenge - Jonathan Poole
1999/00 Cowboys Ride Again - Brett Davey
1998/99 Millennium Buggers - Richard Taylor
1997/98 Flo's Champs - Godfrey, Rose
1996/97 Flo's Army - Godfrey, Rose

In the Team event, Marsh had started to form a bit of a monopoly up until last year when the mighty AIG took their trophy to Fenchurch Street. However it was the turn of the brokers to reclaim the award in 2007 with Ryan, Ready and Huw leading Layton Blackham to the coveted title.

Team Challenge Winners
2006/07 Layton Blackham - Read, Saveall, Thomas
2005/06 AIG - Waterman, France, Dewberry, Barwick, Higgs, Ryan.
2004/05 Marsh - Simmons, Doyle
2003/04 Marsh - Simmons, Doyle
2002/03 Allianz - Jenkins, Day
2001/02 Avon - Godfrey, Rose
2000/01 HSBC - Waters, Murrell, Ready

Thank you

This is the emotional bit. I have always tried to put a lot of effort and fun into the things I do in my life. I've not always been successful but no one could ever knock me for not trying.

The N&R Fantasy league started in my head, probably with a beer in my hand, 11 years ago and effort and fun is what this has always been. It is time consuming and life and work takes up a lot of my time, but fortunately I have always tried to balance this with doing things for me, and particularly things that make me smile and which I enjoy.

The N&R FL is one of these and with help from various people and in particular Mark Simmons & my old partner Ready, the N&R FL has been a constant in my life and it has been a great way of keeping in touch with old mates, meeting new people and introducing stoopid Americans to the beautiful game.

Thanks for reading, calling and emailing - it makes it all worthwhile.

Have a great summer,
Nobby

Summer end of season / pre-season drinks

You are all cordially invited to a night of the stars on Tuesday 24th July when Messrs Nobster and Ready will hand out prizes, cash and one-liners. We will also be collecting next years entry money and will have no hesitation in deducting it from any prize money won this year.

The venue will be a change from previous years and will be outside The Lamb in Leadenhall Market.

Please put the date in your diaries and dress to impress. Reminders will be sent out nearer the scheduled time.

I will also plan to do drinks with the American participants and will soon send an email out seeking some dates for an afternoon of iced teas and dougnuts.

Team Challenge - Ready, Sav & Huw claim glory

Sav & Ready led Layton Blackham to victory in the N&R Team Challenge trophy and will get a delightful (?!) gleaming trophy for their broking team. Huw struggled in his first season, but the Welshman would be proud of his team mates who dominated the N&R Premiership finishing 1st & 2nd. Ryan Saveall doing the double for the first time in the history of the N&R.

In the runners up spot was the dream team of Willis' Kirsty Baillie & Ian Kennett, who probably don't even know each other - but believe me you could be twins! 3rd were last years winners, AIG. The team of 7 had a sterling season, with even Francey winning promotion. Who knows if Waterman wasn't out galivanting so much they may have made up those points to reclaim their title. Enjoy the curry team.

4th was Aon Re, who slipped back in recent weeks despite Johnny Mac's fine season. As did Aon USA, as Littig couldn't continue his super early season form. Nevertheless John was their star and Dougal too did his brethren proud.

In 6th were Wenners and Reddy, both having great ends to their seasons completing a double promotion. Congratulations to the BMS boys. Behind them in 7th stood Aspen, a disappointing season for Plummer saw him get relegated alongside Wizzo.

8th were the mighty Ex-Pats, who were apart from Bazza, all talk and no pants, sorry trousers. Longey did fantastic in his first season, helped admirably by his son Christian, but Nobby and Stouty let Queen and country down. In 9th were the eclectic Lloyds boys led by old Razor himself, Richard Nathan. 10th came twice winners Marsh. Ex-champ Ginger Rabbit was disappointing but Simmo swept to the N&R Champiosnhip title.

One off the bottom was the drunken RSA, used to be the drunken Allianz of course, where they actually won this title once and last and very least was JLT, where both Beere & Bird were shocking, although to be honest Birdy had his best season in all the time he has taken part in the N&R FL!

Thanks to everyone for taking part. Remember if you feel a bit lonely, ask a colleague to take part next season, and I promise I won't abuse them too much.

How the money & prizes were won

This is a list of how the 2006/7 prizes were won. Prizes will be paid by cheque in either GBP or USD, whatever exchange rate suits me and my accountant. Congratulations to all the winners and please note if you want me to keep the £25 or $50 to put against next season's entry money, then please advise.

Here is how the money was won:

The N&R Premiership
N&R FL Champion £200 + the much sought after N&R winners trophy
Ryan Saveall

Runner Up £140
Keith Read

3rd £100
Catherine Barwick & Karen Higgs

4th £80
Barry Paull

5th £60
Mark Dewberry

6th £50
Kirsty Baillie

Joint 7th £12.50 each
John McGowan & Richard Nathan

Relegation to The Championship
Davor Duvancic
Hilary Ryan
David Wisdom
Barry Plummer
Megan McLeod
Brian Rutter
Neil Cryer
Peter Godfrey

The N&R Championship*
Winner £100
Mark Simmons

Runner Up £70
Mark Wenman

3rd £50
Akshay Reddy

4th £30
Alan Oakley

5th £20
Nigel Tatlock

6th £10
Soozie Syrett

7th £10
Ian France

Joint 8th £5 each
Glenn Francis & Ian Kennett
*The top 8 clubs will be promoted to The Premiership

26th Penultimate Place Prize £10
Alex Boswell

N&R Team Challenge Trophy

Best weekly score $50
John Littig

Worst weekly score £8 each
Brian Rutter, Rob Beere & Huw Thomas

Serie A Champion £30
Catherine Barwick & Karen Higgs

Serie B Champion £30
Ryan Saveall

Manager of the week 40 weeks x £5 = £200
John Littig 3 wins, 1 shared $25
Kirsty Baillie 3 wins £15
David Wisdom 2 wins, 1 shared £12.50
Alex Byatt 1 win, 2 shared £10
Barry Paull 2 wins £10
Brian Rutter 2 wins £10
Richard Nathan 2 wins £10
Keith Read 2 wins £10
Rob Beere 2 wins £10
Soozie Syrett 2 wins £10
Ben Graves 1 win, 1 shared £7.50
Chris Waterman 1 win £5
Ian Kennett 1 win £5
Brian Dougal 1 win $10
Catherine Barwick & Karen Higgs £5
Aaron Bardon 1 win £5
Simon Jenkins 1 win £5
James Down 1 win £5
Alan Oakley 1 win £5
John Knouse & Nick Davies 1 win $10
Glenn Francis 1 win £5
Megan McLeod 1 shared $5
Barry Plummer 1 shared £2.50
Ryan Saveall 1 shared £2.50
Simon Newport 1 shared £1.60

Steve Jewell 1 shared £1.60

Mark Dewberry 1 shared £1.60

An amazing 37 cash winners. Congratulations again.

Best weekly score - Littig collects with 11-year high

I am pleased that John Littig won the Best weekly score prize. He's a nice boy, the sort that Mum's would approve. He knows bugger all about the beautiful game mind and somehow led the N&R title race for 6 weeks (yikes). However back in December he did something no one else has ever done and hit over 130 points in a week. There was eventually no prize money for John in the battle for the title but he did win $50 for the best weekly N&R FL score in its 11-year history.

2nd place James Down and 3rd Ben Graves also coincidently missed out on the big prize money with James finishing 10th in the Championship and Ben 10th in the Premiership. Just shows consistency is more important than being Billy Big Bollocks for just one week. Champion Ryan Saveall's best score was 95 points.

The top 10 best weekly scores:

1. John Littig, week 20, 132 points
2. James Down, week 25, 114 points
3. Ben Graves, week 20, 113 points
4. Mark Simmons, week 25, 109 points
5. Mark Dewberry, week 25, 107 points
6. Richard Nathan, week 25, 105 points
7. Barwick/Higgs, week 25, 103 points
8= Dave Wisdom, week 25, 102 points
8= Barry Paul, week 31, 102 points
10= Aaron Barden, week 25, 101 points
10= Brian Dougal, week 20, 101 points

Worst weekly score - embarrassing 3 way tie

It's embarrassing enough when 1 manager picks up the prize for the Worst weekly score, let alone 3. Rob, Rutts and Huw - hang your head in shame. You will share the £25 prize. Scant consolation for being rubbish, however even the champion had an off week.

And how many times did Michael Stout get himself on this list? It's not cool and it's not clever.

The top 20 season's worst weekly scores:

1= Rob Beere, week 7, 0 points
1= Brian Rutter, week 30, 0 points
1= Huw Thomas, week 30, 0 points
4= Danny Rose, week 30, 1 point
4= Michael Stout, week 30, 1 point
6= Rob Beere, week 28, 2 points
6= Soozie Syrett, week 30, 2 points
8. James Bird, week 24, 3 points
9= Brian Rutter, week 28, 4 points
9= Peter Godfrey, week 27, 4 points
9= Alex Boswell, week 30, 4 points
9= Michael Stout, week 39, 4 points
13= Ian France, week 27, 5 points
13= Ryan Saveall, week 24, 5 points
13= Shay Reddy, week 26, 5 points
13= James Down, week 37, 5 points
13= Paul Long, week 37, 5 points
18= Peter Doyle, week 28, 6 points
18= Danny Rose, week 28, 6 points
18= Michael Stout, week 38, 6 points

Lamb chops? That'll be lovely

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 40

I love that quote - Rutts planning out how beers he can have before he gets home to the Missus for dinner. I embellished the Lamb bit because it was Glenn Francis and Lamb to the slaughter that won the final MoW fiver after securing promtion after scoring 28 points from the awful FA Cup final game alone.

Ian Kennett's Incontentia B uttocks thankfully came second because otherwise I would have had to put up a picture of Ian's buttocks instead of a cute little lamb. Kennett's 26 points was also good enough to secure promotion to the Premiership next season.

Crown Jewells and NY Eagles were next up with 24 points. Megan & Hannah's Bears hit the low point with 1, but this doesn't count towards the lowest seasonal score because rule #46, paragraph 3 was evoked.

The all-star Fantasy League team

Based on the Premiership players total points scored. This was the best performing fantasy team & it is pretty fair to say, that if you chose this lot then you would be the N&R FL's newest champion**:

Goalkeeper - P Reina, Liverpool 123 pts
Defender - R Carvalho, Chelsea 135 pts
Defender - J Carragher, Liverpool 132 pts
Defender - JA Riise, Liverpool 132 pts
Defender - J Terry, Chelsea or M Taylor, Portsmouth both 125 pts
Midfielder - C Ronaldo, Man Utd 247 pts
Midfielder - F Lampard, Chelsea 215 pts
Midfielder - M Pederson, Blackburn 169 pts
Striker - W Rooney, Man Utd 236 pts
Striker - D Drogba, Chelsea 199 pts
Striker - M Viduka, Middlesbrough 196 pts

**Total cost 55.5m (our max is 50m)
Fantasy player of the year - Cristiano Ronaldo
Best Bargain - Matthew Taylor (3.4m)
Biggest flop - Michael Owen (6 pts)
Best Charlton player - Darren Bent (142 pts)

The Fizzy Pops - how did I do?

At the end of March I predicted the top 6 finishers + winners of the play-off's and the teams to get relegated from the Championship, League One & Two plus The Conference. How did I do?

Championship My Picks (finish in brackets)
1. Derby (3rd & p/o winners)
2. Birmingham (2nd)
3. Sunderland & p/o winners (Champions)
4. Preston (7th)
5. West Brom (4th)
6. Southampton (6th)

22. Leeds (24th, but did have 10 points deducted)
23. QPR (18th)
24. Luton (23rd)

League One My Picks (finish in brackets)
1. Scunthorpe (Champions)
2. Bristol City (2nd)
3. Forest (4th)
4. Yeovil (5th)
5. Oldham (6th)
6. Blackpool & p/o winners (3rd & p/o winners)

21. Chesterfield (21st)
22. Cheltenham (17th)
23. Brentford (24th)
24. Rotherham (23rd)

League Two My Picks (finish in brackets*)
1. Hartlepool (2nd)
2. Walsall (Champions)
3. MK Dons (4th)
4. Swindon & p/o winners (3rd)
5. Lincoln (5th)
6. Stockport (8th)
7. Peterborough (10th)
*Bristol Rovers won play-off final

23. Bury (21st)
24. Torquay (24th)

Conference My Picks (finish in brackets*)
1. Dagenham & Redbridge (Champions)
2. Oxford (2nd)
3. York City (4th)
4. Stevenage (8th)
5. Gravesend & Northfleet (7th)
*Morecombe won play-off final

You are joking?

I found this in today's Daily Mirror:

"Watford have secured a new sponsorship deal. They will bear the brand name Beko on their shirts instead of the names of their Turkish parent companies - Arcelik and Koc Holding."

Arcelik & Koc Holding - what in the hell are those for names of companies?

New York, New York so good they named it twice

Breaking news 8888 The N&R Premiership - week 39 scores

Savchenko is looking pretty secure in pole position as we enter the final week of the season. Hannoi Utd and Flighty Feet will battle it out for the runners up spot but Barry Paull's NY Eagles, in the relegation places in mid March have made a late run to try to disrupt the party. Barry jumped an amazing 5 places to 4th and succeded in knocking out long time challenger Rooney & Ronaldo Rockstars out of the prize money places.

East Indian Summer slip to 5th, with Glasgow kiss in 6th. Kirsty had a good week 39 and will be hoping to hold onto her place.

And Cristiano's Allstars and Roubles tie for 7th place, both just 3 points ahead of John in 9th. Christian Dailly Football Genius is a further 14 points behind in 10th. Epping 'dog walking' club and Living in Sin look like missing out despite good recent form.

The bottom 8 remain unchanged with only perhaps Davor's #1 Strugglers in a position to catch Rob's Thieving Chelsea Gits.

All will be revealed after this week's final scores.

Soozie causes stir at promotion party

Breaking news 8888 The N&R Championship - week 39 scores
Wenners closed the gap to 20 points in the final week but it is a big ask for him to pip Mark at the top of the table. Bollocks to Ballack had a better week than Sven & Janas in w39 and these two are guaranteed to be playing Premiership FL next season.

Jonny Forskins look settled in 3rd although Thank You 4 The Daze and In Tatters are still looking over their shoulders in 3rd and 4th. And what about Soozie's Ping Pong Aces, who only for the 2nd time this season get into the promotion places. Last season's Champ has had a dire season but she has saved the best for last and she pushes both Incontentia B uttocks and Lamb to the slaughter out of the promotion race.

Massive Tackle and Vote Seagulls Party have a right to be nervy as only 8 from perhaps 12 teams will make the cut.

Meanwhile Hannah & Megan seems pretty set on the 25 quid consolation prize of finishing the 50th best N&R FL manager in 2006/07!

Aces are high

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 39

Soozie sausage burst into the prize money scene after week 39 by poking in the weeks best score and surging into the promotion race. What a girl, and a what a week by the lovely Sooz & her Aces.

And NY Eagles did exactly the same thing in the Premiership after scoring 56 points. The old fantasy stalwart Bazz, looks like walking away with some prize dough again.

Quite a way behind these two were Crown Jewells with 45, Savchenko Spurs with 44, Glasgow kiss and Epping 'dog walking' club both with 41 and The Underwriting Cop and Jonny Forskins and the Phullbacks both with 40.

The week's lowest score was Ballhogs with just 4.

Good luck to Liverpool tomorrow

On the grapevine

I recently heard off and saw a couple of N&R FL connected folk in the good old US of A. I was in New Orleans minding my own business in Bourbon Street shopping for antiques the week before last and a bit of a commotion caught my attention and there was Chris Waterman bearing all for some purple beads. Not the way to get on but it certainly has done him no harm at AIG. By the way Chris, the boys want to know where you will be taking them to lunch this year?

I also heard from a very good source that Ged Stimson was in the country playing the role of best man at a mate's wedding. Apparently the page boy job was already taken. I understand the speech was a bit long but his northern monkey charm went down well with the hoy-peloy of Manhattan, NY.

The only problem came towards the end of the evening when Ged was giving the best looking bridesmaid the custominary tongueing but proceeded to fall off his orange crate.

Congratulations baby Plumms

Mr & Mrs Plumms had a baby boy today. His name is Benjamin George Plummer and weighed in at 9lb 3oz. Everyone's doing well and I have baby Charlton kit in the post to the young Addick!

My kinda town

Americans are obsessed by their teeth. When I was a kid I tried every trick in the book to avoid having to wear a brace, but heck if I'd had grown up here I would have been an anomaly in the school playground. Americans have perfect teeth, fact, well at least the ones whose parents can afford it, because those shiny straight choppers do not come cheap.

Americans look at our British teeth with disdain a bit like we look at their burger habits or dress sense I suppose but I never thought my teeth were that bad, straightish, slightly showing the signs of years of drinking red wine, tea and more recently coffee but I'm not a smoker. And I've only got a few fillings, so when I first went to the dentist (recommended to me by Brian Dougal) 2 or 3 years back I thought they would give me the once over and I'd be off. Oh no....

I reckon I see the hygenist bird, her name is Sue and she loves my accent, about 5 times a year for a good old scraping and scrub up. Then the dentist always comes in and sticks his head in my mouth, tuts with derison then runs through them one by one in code shaking his head, before telling me that I should get this done and that replaced and that I should seriously think about getting my wisdom teeth yanked out. No thanks.

Last week I was sat in the chair, in fact I was sat in the chair 2 weeks before that as well, but most recently to have a crown put in - a bloody huge thing too - cost? A couple of g's. Some of it covered under America's wonderfully extortionate and unfair health system, some of it coming out of my bank, by direct debit for ease. How kind.

The first visit was the get a temporary filling he put in a year ago and then drill away for 45 minutes at the poor little peg and then put another temporary crown in while a new one is made. Then last week I was back in to have it fitted and because I am brave, nay stupid and scared of needles, I opted to have good old fashioned mouthwash instead as he played around with this new crown and my exposed nerves for half an hour to get the sodding thing fitted.

Tell you what I've never had a baby before, but don't tell me that it would be worse than that?

And all the time Brian Dougal gets sent gifts and cards for referring me to his dentist. I am not bloody surprised, he saw this particular Brit coming.

Road to Wembley - Blue is the colour

Feedback

Just 2 weeks to go, the scores from the last week of the Premiership season are to come and points from tomorrow's FA Cup final between Chelsea and Man U will count and could make a vital difference. Ah, sorry too late to make a transfer. Deadline was Tueaday!

Well it's been fun, sometimes tough to keep up what with work but I hope you have enjoyed it. I would be interested in any feedback (email me at simon_newport@ars.aon.com) and I do expect to be over in the summer and Keith and I will host a prize giving night.

Cheers
Nobs

Sav wins first MoW award

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 38
Run away leader Ryan Saveall won his first MoW in week 38, an amazing stat for the champion elect. Sav's score of 53 was only good enough though to share the spoils with Wizzi, who hit the same score in his efforts to stave off relegation. It was Dave's 3rd MoW win and they will share the fiver.

Brighton Blues look like they have done enough to have another season in the top flight. A sterling 47 from the ex-pat Seagull and his son Christian would appear to make them safe. NY Eagles are still fighting for a top 7 place and I wouldn't it past the ex-pat Eagle, who scored 46.

Hannoi Utd kept their challenge in full swing with 45, whilst Underwrting Cop's 45 was enough to take them off the bottom of the Premiership.

In the Championship promotion heading In Tatters top scored with 46, ahead of Nobby's North of Crystal Palarse with 40.