Ted Striker hit rock bottom

N&R Division 1 - week 18 update
Tanus Terriers into 2nd trail Harry Houdini by 28 points. Boys on tour slip to 3rd with Bagpuss 4th.

Ex-champ Gooner win league march into 5th and Woody's Round Up 6th and Room with a view 7th.

To Elland Back are upto 8th with Good on paper XI, The Magnificent Eleven, MoW A Whitened Smut, ThE DrEaM FacTorY and Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel who sit in waiting below the top 8.

At the bottom we have a new name. Ted Striker dropped to last place with Still not a chance moving above them. CHAMP19NS - 20 in May are in 33rd, We are all Keith Lemon 32nd and Nobby Junior 31st.

Chicken delight

N&R Division 2 - week 18 update
Dynamo Chicken Kiev joins Pure Irish sat proudly on the top of N&R Div 2. Both managers have 609 points as we approach the busy Christmas period.

In 3rd just 2 points away is Pimp my side, 4th is Dalton Worblers who are 9 short of the top.

Alchees Lubes are up to 5th with Standard Ginger 6th. In joint 7 are three teams - 2 Infinity & Beyond, The No-Hopers and on a right old role Glasgow Kiss.

Barceloner, King Of Leon Osman and Kiwi Fantastic make up the promotion group.

Planet Kilpo was a big Div 2 climber after an excellent week - he's best of the season so far.

Stocky Starlets remain stuck to the bottom 50 points behind Californication.

Bixby Best

Manager of the Week - week 18
Neil Bixby won his 2nd MoW award in week 18. After winning in early November Neil has since moved our of dire relegation trouble into a challenging position at the top of Div 1. Neil hit 62 points, 6 more than Tim Harris and 8 more than Henry Williams and back again Ian Kennett.

Kirsty scored a 53, and there were bullseyes for Chris Wright and Kilpo. Three managers scored 49 - Neville White, Sarah Sheron and Brett Davey with Graham Ward scoring 48 and Mark Gregory, Lee Horne and Ready all slotting home 47.

Other notable if not noticeable scores were Mutley 45, Muddy 43, Muzza 41, Doyley 41, Godders 38, Razor 34, Francey 29, Sweaty 27 and Chillers 14.

Week 18 review

Wigan won at West Brom as their form starts to pick up. Swansea beat Fulham at home 2-0, in an exciting game at Carrow Road Norwich beat Newcastle 4-2.

Rooney and Nani both scored twice as Man U hammered Wolves 4-1, Suarez's goal was enough for Liverpool to beat QPR 1-0, Villa won away at sorry Bolton and van Persie scored again as he beat Everton 1-0.

On Sunday a last minute Larsson winner gave MON a first Sunderland win over Blackburn, Stoke beat Spurs and on Monday Chelsea handed Man City their first defeat of the season.

Photograph of the week

"Thursday night, Channel 5"

What's in a team name

No.3 Ted Striker XI - Alan Oakley
Oakers has had some great team names over the years and this year's ditty comes from Al's favourite film, Airplane.

There is an obvious footie connection too, Al reminded me when I asked him of loads of gratuitous visual and verbal jokes with blow up dolls, sh*t hitting the fan, smoking tickets, the Hanging Lady etc etc. I can see him laughing now as he is reading this.

Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar.

Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back?

Ted Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified.

The top 10 Best Weekly Scores

A little update on the Best Weekly Scores. Daniel Weeks enters the top 10 at 7 and Steve Merchant at 9th. Daniel has two scores in the top 10 but the list is still led by Ready.

Top 10 best weekly score
1. Keith Read, week 3, 76 points
2= Brett Davey, week 3, 70 points
2= Daniel Weeks, week 15, 70 points
4= Ian Kennett, week 3, 69 points
4= Alex Boswell, week 3, 69 points
6. Huw Thomas, week 3, 68 points
7. Daniel Weeks, week 17, 67 points
8. Andrew Shepherd, week 3, 65 points
9. Steve Merchant, week 17, 64 points
10= Ian Kennett, week 5, 63 points
10= Steve Black, week 3, 63 points
Up to week 17

Magnifique

N&R Division 1 - week 17 update
2nd week at the peak for Harry Houdini but just one point is the difference between Tim and Greg's Boys on tour.

A little daylight exists between 2nd and Bagpuss in 3rd with Room with a view 4th. Tanus Terriers are nicely placed as are Gooner win the league. 14 points is the difference between 3rd and 7th.

The Magnificent Eleven are in the top 7 for the first time this season, this after Ken spent the first 13 weeks in the relegation zone. Great work from Ken. Rob Munden, who pipped Ken for the title last season has seen his To Elland Back slip to 9th.

FFC 4Ever are also part of a new broom sweeping through Div 1. Hannoi Utd are another and so is Whitened Smut.

Meanwhile Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel continue their fall down the table as do Paris Eagles.

Still not a chance are bottom and Nobby Junior move up a couple of places.

Top 4 break away

N&R Division 2 - week 17 update
Pure Irish lead Dalton's Worblers by 3 points and Dynamo Chicken Kiev by 4 points - ooh it's bloody exciting.

Pimp my side are 4th and then a huge gap has appeared between 4th and 5th. 2Infinity & beyond are 61 points behind 4th.

However 2Infinity & beyond, Standard Ginger, No Hopers, Alchees Lubes, Barceloner, Kiwi Fantastic, Kings of Leon, Glasgow kiss and Gooner Go Up are all only separated by 18 points.

Full Metal Jacket slipped out of the promotion places, Planet Kilpo dropped further back, Luis & Carroll was a big climber.

Stocky's Starlets are 40 points adrift at the bottom.

Week 17 review

Arsenal continued their fine return to form, sorry I meant Robin van Persie continued his fine return to form, as Arsenal beat Wigan away 4-0. Spurs stuffed a poor Bolton 3-0, Chelsea went to Newcastle and came away with a 3-0 win and QPR and WBA drew 1-1.

Man C scored another 5 at home to Norwich and bloody Blackburn and their chicken owners finally got a result beating Swansea 4-2. Man U won 1-0 at Villa and Woves beat Sunderland 2-1. Stoke beat Everton and Fulham beat Liverpool 1-0

3 Weeks

Manager of the Week - week 17
Blow me down with a feather. Daniel Weeks has won his 3rd MoW in 4 weeks. Daniel blew away the opposition with 67 points, his 2nd best of the season. Steve Merchant was next best with 64.

Ken Cobbett came good and rolled in his best score of the season, 62. Greg Foulger and Davor both rounded up a 60, Rosie kept up her excellent form with a fiery 57, Ricky Wood also landed a 57 and Chris Wright slipped in a 56.

Other notables in week 17 were Tim Harris 52, Huw Thomas 46, Neil Addington 45, Alex Boswell 41, Soozie 38, Mark Simmons 33, Ian Kennett 28 and the week's lowest, and you won't be surprised by this, Danny Stock with 17 - his best score for 6 weeks.

Road to Wembley - welcome to the Lambs

Gateshead were beaten in the 2nd Round of the FA Cup by Tamworth.

Gateshead keeper Jak Alnwick was at fault for both goals as Tamworth beat their Blue Square Bet Premier rivals 2-1.

FRANCINO FRANCIS put the Lambs ahead from two yards after Alnwick, on loan from Newcastle, dropped a corner. Fixxxx!

The Heed had Chris Carruthers sent off for a foul on Danny Mills but Alnwick saved Kieron St Aimie's penalty.

Nathan Fisher swivelled and finished to make it 1-1 but Alnwick dropped another corner in the last minute and KYLE PATTERSON was the Lambs' hero.

Jak Alnwick is so rubbish by the way that he even dropped the 'c' from his first name!

Gateshead: Alnwick, Curtis, Clark, Baxter (Anaclet 54), Carruthers, Gate, Brittain (Rents 46), Turnbull, Shaw, Fisher, Moore.
Substitutes: Deasy, Anaclet, Rents, Henderson, Marwood, Nix, Mulligan

Attendance: 1,163

So, Tamworth, the Lambs are our new N&R Road to Wembley and my did they pull a plum draw out of the hat.

The Lambs will go to Everton on Saturday, January 7th. More of Tamworth soon.

Light & Lager 2nd Round Replay

There was one replay in week 17 in the Light & Lager Cup 2nd Round and the Scott Morgan squeaked past Jason in another tight encounter.

Light & Lager 2nd Round Replay Result
Morgan's Machines 38-35 Conan's Destroyers

Movers and shakers

A bit of pre-Christmas job movement amongst our managers.

Please welcome home back to the UK Greg Foulger and his new bride Sandra. Greg has moved from RSA Mexico to RSA London based in Plantation House. Greg has been appointed Insurance Risk Manager.

Richard 'Razor' Nathan has joined Aviva to develop an International/European book of business.

Geoff McCormack left Miles Smith for Aon Benfield a little while back and more recently Lee Horne has moved from Aon Benfield to Guy Carpenter.

Good luck to all.

Ready's Benfleet Bet

Here we go then the 2012 FA Cup Predictions Competition ONLY open to N&R FL team managers.

Simply predict a score, write it on the email that I sent you and send it back to me (simon.newport@aon.com). Then Keith will mark them and we will issue a table for the Blog. Then look out before each following round as we will ask you for further predictions all the way to the final. The winner will have the most points and will win a cash prize.

The very best of luck and make sure you read the rules:

Scoring Points
• 1 point home win
• 2 points away win
• 3 points draw
• 3 points correct score
• 1 additional point per goal in a game where the score has been correctly predicted and there are 5 goals or more during the game.

The rules
• No more than 11 draws allowed
• No more than 6 identical scores, i.e. 2-1, 1-1 etc. Please note that 1-2 counts as a different score to 2-1
• 10 points deducted for each breach of rule

The prize
• £25 or $40.

Ready's decision is final.

FA Cup 3rd Round
Middlesbrough v Shrewsbury
Nottingham Forest v Leicester City
Man City v Man United
Dagenham & Redbridge v Millwall
Crawley v Bristol City
Doncaster v Notts County
Bristol Rovers v Aston Villa
Tottenham v Cheltenham Town
Sheffield Wednesday v West Ham
Milton Keynes Dons v QPR
Hull v Ipswich
Coventry v Southampton
Brighton v Wrexham
Fulham v Charlton
Birmingham v Wolves
Norwich v Burnley
Arsenal v Leeds
Derby v Crystal Palace
Fleetwood v Blackpool
Swindon v Wigan
Barnsley v Swansea
Macclesfield v Bolton
Newcastle v Blackburn
Everton v Tamworth
Sheffield United v Salisbury
Liverpool v Oldham
Gillingham v Stoke
Chelsea v Portsmouth
Watford v Bradford
Peterborough v Sunderland
West Bromwich v Cardiff
Reading v Stevenage

Photograph of the week

As expected Martin O'Neil or MON as he is known to his friends became Sunderland's new manager last week and in his first game in charge watched The Black Cats beat Blackburn 2-1

Week 16 review

Adebayor scored twice as Sours beat WBA 3-1, Steve Bruce was sacked after Sunderland lost at home to Wigan, their first win for ages. Stoke beat the hapless Blackburn 3-1 and Norwich overcame the battle of promoted clubs beating QPR 2-1. Russell Holt with the winner.

Man U had a refereeing decision go against them for the first time since 1976. Ba convering the penalty for Newcastle to earn the Geordies a 1-1 draw at the OT (sponsored by Aon).

Chelsea beat Wolves 3-0, Everton won at struggling Bolton 2-0 and Arsenal were held at home by Fulham. Vermaelen scoring in both ends.

On Sunday Liverpool and City shared the spoils as did Swansea and Villa.

Light & Bitter and Light & Lager 2nd Round Results

These ties were played in week 16 and the results were as follows:

Light & Bitter (Div 1) 2nd Round
Loads of Roubles 41-39 Woody's Round Up
Still good on paper 26-37 Whitened Smut
Super Savlyuncheko 36-44 Hannoi United
Nobby Junior 39-47 The Magnificent Eleven
Bagpuss 27-34 To Elland Back
Travelodge Kettles 34-25 FFC 4 Ever
Gooner win League 49-33 ThE DrEaM FacTorY
Two points, two flats, and a packet of gravel 19-26 Brox banditos

So Ready wins the big clash of the round against Sav, Chris Wright upset Ian Kennett on the road and Nobby bows out of the competition, but at least he can now concentrate on the league.

Light & Lager (Div 2) 2nd Round
Pimp my side 48-39 Kings of Leon Osman
Muddy's Mavericks 33-45 Dynamo Chicken Kiev
The No Hopers 26-25 Lazarus United
Dalton Worblers 39-15 Californication
Red Ken relives the 80's 33-32 Kiwi Fantastic
Alchees Lubes 33-29 Brighton Blues
Luis & Carroll's Adventures in Wonderland 31-37 Glasgow kiss
Morgan's Machines 30-30 Conan's Destroyers

Some really close games in the Light & Lager. Brett just pipped Paul Long 33-29, Razor Nathan beat John Hardiman by a point as did Michael Stout who beat Mark Wenman. Rosie embarrassed Chris Waterman and Scott and Jason couldn't be split so they will replay in week 17.

Houdini Houdunnit

N&R Division 1 - week 16 update
Harry Houdini hit the top of the table for the first time in week 16. That is 3 leaders in month following Bagpuss, Tanus Terriers and Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel.

Bagpuss is 2nd and Tanus Terriers are 4th but Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel are now back in 10th! Come Kennett for gawd's sake!!

Gooner win league are into 6th and Financial Bale Out are 9th. Paris Eagles is another big faller, now in 13th but both Good on paper and Hannoi Utd are climbing the ladder. Watch out..

Irish charm

N&R Division 2 - week 16 update
Just one week Pure Irish was off the top of her perch and then boom, she jumps back on it again. This after her MoW performance, Hils is 7 points ahead of Dalton's Worblers in 2nd with Pimp my side in 3rd.

Dynamo Chicken Kiev remain 4th with No Hopers 5th and 2Infinity & beyond up to 6th.

Standard Ginger, Alchees Lubes and Barcelona all share 7th place and are being chased by Barceloner, Full Metal Jacket, Kiwi Fanatastic and Gooner Go Up.

Dan's Dribblers and Planet Kilpo are going backwards. Goonersmoan was a faller too.

Big news at the bottom as Californication takes over the Penultimate Position title, as Lazarus United move up to 33rd. Chillers Champions is letting the girls down in 32nd.

Benary

Manager of the Week - week 16
Two Chartis winners in week 16. Ben Guarino and Hilary Flynn will fight over a fiver after both scoring 54 points. Steve Black was next up with 50 followed by Neil Reynolds 49, Graham Ward 48, Ken Cobbett 47 and Geoff McCormack 46.

Winner for the last two weeks Daniel Weeks scored 45 as did Alastair Bigg and Lee Horne.
The week's worst score was tied between Danny Stock and Chris Waterman. Both managed 15.

N&R Weekly Bet

Ready was back in winning ways last weekend. Nobs, ahem, wasn't.

Nobby:
Bolton v Villa HOME - WRONG
Norwich v Newcastle HOME - CORRECT
Swansea v Fulham DRAW - WRONG

£2 stake. Winning potential £8.58. Winnings £0

Ready:
Man U v Wolves HOME - CORRECT
Arsenal v Everton HOME - CORRECT
Liverpool v QPR DRAW - CORRECT

£2 stake. Winning potential £4.50 Winnings £4.50

Running total:
Ready £35.50 (positive)
Nobby £10.24 (negative)

Road to Wembley - The Heed

Good luck to our Road to Wembley side Gateshead tomorrow in their FA Cup 2nd Round tie at home to Tamworth.

Tamworth are just 4 points behind The Heed in the Blue Square Premier League. The winners of course get potential chance to play one of the league's big boys.

Gateshead boss Ian Bogie said: "The FA Cup is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The incentive is to get one of the big boys and get the exposure and the national spotlight on themselves and the club, the area. That's the dream, but we can't look too far ahead because we've got to get through first."

Ian Bogie played for Newcastle, Millwall, Leyton Orient and Preston.

Harry's game

N&R Division 1 - week 15 update
Bagpuss still top 9 points ahead of new into 2nd Harry Houdini. Boys on tour slip to 3rd. Tanus Terriers, Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel, Room with a view, To Elland back and Paris Eagles all remain in close contact.

Woody's Round Up drop out of the top 8 and Financial Bale out and Good on Paper were good climbers in week 15.

Lower down Hannoi Utd, The Magnificent Eleven and A Whitened Smut all move away from the drop zone.

Still not a chance remain bottom.

Everything's Rosie

N&R Division 2 - week 15 update
A new leader! Dalton's Worblers moved ahead of Pure Irish in week 15. Hils had lead the table for 14 solid weeks. Pimp my side is 7 points behind in 3rd with Dynamo Chicken Kiev 4 a further 4 adrift in 4th.

Then there is a gap to No Hopers in 5th with Standard Ginger in 6th and 2infinity & beyond and Alchees Lubes sharing 7th.

Barceloner is a new entrant at 10th after a week out of the promotion race and Gooner go up clings onto a promotion spot alongside Full Metal Jacket in 12th.

Goonersmoan was a big climber, now 19th.

Lazarus United remain in the penultimate place with Stocky still last.

2nd Weeks in a row

Manager of the Week - week 15
For the 2nd consecutive week Daniel Weeks swept to the N&R MoW award, this time winning it in his own after sharing last week's fiver with Neil Bixby.

Daniel smacked a superb 70 points, a full 12 pts more than the next best, which was 58 by Tim Harris - another manager in fine form.

Ken Cobbett scored 55, which was his best score of a inconsistent season, Mark Gregory hit 54 and Ready weighed in with a 51.

Rutts also hit his peak for the season with a half century, Rosie collected another 49 in her surge up the table and Dewbs also landed on 49.

Steve Merchant scored 46, last week's joint winner Neil Bixby 45, current champ Rob Munden 44 and both Neil Reynolds and Sarah Sheron scored 43.

Other notable scores were Brett Davey 40, Simon Ward 39, Paul & Christian Long 36, fellow Chicagoans Tim & Dennis scored 35, their best score for a few months, Tony Murray 32, Scott Morgan 28, Andrew Wheeler 22, Katie Chillman 18 and Danny Stock 6, the worst of the lot.

Best weekly scores

Daniel Weeks hit the joint 2nd best weekly score so far this season, but it is Ready who sits on top of the leaderboard.

Top 10 best weekly score
1. Keith Read, week 3, 76 points
2= Brett Davey, week 3, 70 points
2= Daniel Weeks, week 15, 70 points
4= Ian Kennett, week 3, 69 points
4= Alex Boswell, week 3, 69 points
6. Huw Thomas, week 3, 68 points
7. Andrew Shepherd, week 3, 65 points
8= Ian Kennett, week 5, 63 points
8= Steve Black, week 3, 63 points
10= John McGowan, week 3, 62 points
10= Michael Stout, week 3, 62 points
10= Mark Gregory, week 3, 62 points

Photograph of the week

Almost December and the first Premier League manager to get the sack. Sunderland have sacked boss Steve Bruce following a torrid run of result, just two wins in the first 13 games.

N&R Weekly Bet

No winners again in week 15.

Nobby:
Arsenal v Fulham HOME - WRONG
Chelsea v Wolves HOME - CORRECT
Norwich v QPR AWAY - WRONG

£2 stake. Winning potential £12.58. Winnings £0

Ready:
Arsenal v Fulham HOME - WRONG
Chelsea v Wolves HOME - CORRECT
Swansea v Villa DRAW - CORRECT

£2 stake. Winning potential £11.92 Winnings £0

Running total:
Ready £31.00 (positive)
Nobby £8.24 (negative)

Week 15 review

In a crazy game at Wigan, Yakubu scored a 99th minute equalising penalty for Blackburn to make it 3-3, but Hoilett's goal came after the dodgiest corner you will ever see in your life.

Ex-Addick Jerome Thomas scored at West Brom put Bolton back in their box, Hernandez's early goal was enough for Man U to beat Swansea at the Liberty, QPR striekr Helguson scored twice at Rangers had a fine win at Stoke and Van Persie FC beat Norwich 2-1.

Sudnerland and Fulham drew 0-0, Newcastle lost their first game of the season at Man City 3-1 and Everton beat Wolves 2-1 thanks to a late Baines pen.

On Sunday Liverpool beat Chelsea at the Bridge and on Monday Spurs beat Villa at the Lane.

Gary Speed MBE RIP

Although my fingers are hovering over my keyboard without really knowing what to say, I felt compelled to write something, a tribute of some kind following the really tragic death of Gary Speed this morning.

Speed was a model professional, a rare breed respected by all supporters whatever their bias, who played at the top level until he was 40 years old. He made 677 appearances and played for his beloved Wales 85 times.

I also suspect I was one of many non-Welshman who was excited about what Speed was doing in the Welsh national job. What a loss he is to the game.

Occasionally you hear or read something that stops you in your tracks and this news is heart wrenching and my heart goes out to his family and friends.

Tributes: Daily Mirror; Henry Winter; The Guardian; Robbie Savage; Dan Walker, BBC.

Week 14

There were no week 14 scores due to the international break and the play-off's for the 2012 European Championships.

Photograph of the week

I saw this photo and thought of Davor. Congratulations to both Croatia and the Irish on making through to next summer's European Championships.

Croatia booked their ticket to the Euro 2012 finals with a 0-0 home draw ensuring a 3-0 aggregate victory after the second leg of their play-off against. It was sweet revenge for Croatia who were knocked out of Euro 2008 at the quarter-finals stage on penalties by their play-off rivals.

Ivica Olic, Mario Mandzukic and Vedran Corluka did the damage to give the Croats a priceless win away from home in Istanbul on Friday and ensure Slaven Bilic's side had the upper hand going into the return leg in Zagreb.

Gazza-risms

Paul Gascoigne wasn't only a footballing genius he was also a genius clown. Keith unearthed 50 of his favourite pranks as follows:

1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit... boots included.
2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse:"Church Of England."
3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand "a go" on a workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.
4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that he reminded him of Russ Abbot.
5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of augmenting team line-ups with footage of each player mouthing his own name. Gascoigne's genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'f***ing w***ker.' Broadcasters across the world had to use it all the way through the tournament.
6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.
7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off, Norway." Then ran off laughing.
8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out of his sock.
9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.
10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions. Looked a fool and had them taken out a day later.
11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to the hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton.'
12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's impromptu performance.
13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.
14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew to be a transvestite.
15) Has taken the piss out of refs constantly during his career. On one occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his hand high to signal a free kick.
16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was booked for his troubles.
17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled the beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98. One reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable response: "I feel like a kebab with onions."
18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous angler to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton promptly threw all but the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a whopper. Lesson over.
19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took Kevin Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the Newcastle Underground.
20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed Enzo Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he was play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one leg with his tongue rolling out. 21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a post-season tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at home. An emotional Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring it to the airport.
22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia 90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the legend 'Gazza.'
23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish Chef.
24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out the filling and replaced it with cat shit.
25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his training socks and ordered lunch.
26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for local kids.
27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the shoulder of a diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod him in the cheek.
28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife inside that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred Daz or Omo.
29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and caused £310,000 worth of damage.
30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough.
31) Handed £1,000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the bridge of his nose for five seconds. Jimmy could. Twice!
32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest.Picked bingo.
33) Bought a £1,000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."
34) Was banned from Liverpool's Cream nightclub in advance within days of joining Everton because the Evertonians who run the place wanted him to avoid temptation and stay fit.
35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important tournament by playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday sun.
36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before the1991 FA Cup Final.
37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown, Oliver Hardy and Braveheart for photo opportunities.
38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched into a Sheffield barber shop and demanded "a Waddle cut."
39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the deal with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in Hadley Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to thank you for the best three days of our lives."
40) Was asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London afte requests were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the duck pond.
41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder the slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The minder thought he'd committed suicide.
42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers."
43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then farting at ear-splitting volume.
44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number 13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together. Oddly, the combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.
45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh."
46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in his four-wheel drive Jeep.
47) While his reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not. Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's Boys, We Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer.'
48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta.'
49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with virtually every member of the Genoa side.
50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and there's no bloody bacon!" Genius!!!!

The Light & Bitter and Light Lager Cup 2nd Round Draw

Sepp Blatter was our guest ball plucker for this round and this is what he drew out of the hat.

Light & Bitter (Div 1) 2nd Round
Loads of Roubles v Woody's Round Up
Still good on paper v A Whitened Smut
Super Savlyuncheko v Hannoi United
Nobby Junior v The Magnificent Eleven
Bagpuss v To Elland Back
Travelodge Kettles v FFC 4 Ever
Gooner win League v ThE DrEaM FacTorY
Two points, two flats, and a packet of gravel v Brox banditos

The tie that catches the eye is the Sav v Ready match, with Ryan having home advantage. I am sure Soozie will make the tea. Current league leader Andy Cassell will play current N&R champion Rob Munden and Nobby takes on Ken.

Light & Lager (Div 2) 2nd Round
Pimp my side v Kings of Leon Osman
Muddy's Mavericks v Dynamo Chicken Kiev
The No Hopers v Lazarus United
Dalton Worblers v Californication
Red Ken relives the 80's v Kiwi Fanatastic
Alchees Lubes v Brighton Blues
Luis & Carroll's Adventures in Wonderland v Glasgow kiss
Morgan's Machines v Conan's Destroyers

Rosie will play Chris in a Chartis derby and the Dynamo 'Chicken' Kiev v Muddy's Maverick's game looks like a tight one.

All ties to be played this weekend (week 16). Winners into the Quarter Finals.

Photograph of the week

Actually it was last week but definitely worth a mention. Manchester United renamed the North Stand at Old Trafford the Sir Alex Ferguson Stand in recognition of his 25 years as manager of the club. Ferguson was given a guard of honour by his own players and visitors Sunderland as he made his way on to the pitch for their Premier League game. The club also announced that a statue of the Scot would go outside the stand before the start of next season.

Ferguson, 69, succeeded Ron Atkinson as United manager on 6 November 1986.

Week 13 review

Arsenal beat WBA 3-0, Villa and Norwich battled out a 5 goal thriller at Villa Park with the Villians prevailing. Liverpool were held at home again, Swansea leaving with a deserved point.

Frank Lampard got the Blues winner at Blackburn, United sneaked by Sunderland where all the focus was on Fergie, Newcastle won again, this time against Everton and Citeh won an exciting game at QPR 3-2.

On the Sunday Wolves beat Wolves 3-1, Spurs incredibly won at Fulham despite the Cottagers having about 90 shots on target and Bolton finally found their goalscoring boots thrashing Stoke 5-0.

Double top from Bluefin

Manager of the Week - week 13
A tie between two Bluefin brokers in week 13 for the coveted MoW. £2.50 each which used to get you a full meal in Benjy's but now buys you a biscotti in Starbucks.

53 was the headline score from Neil Bixby and Daniel Weeks, just a mere point better than our favourite ginger rabbit, Doyley. Our favourite Croat, who has been hitting the Rakija hard since Croatia's qualification into the Euro's next year, but despite a hangover Davor still managed to score a 51 and Kirsty is back with a bang and scored a nice round 50.

Rosie had another excellent week with 47 as did Graham Ward, who pocketed 46, the same big climber Tim Harris.

Danny Rose has been slowly moving away from the bottom of the table, a bit like Arsenal and Dan plucked a 45 out of the sky in week 13. Neil Reynolds and Oakers both hit a 44, Ken Cobbett 42 and we saw a 40 from Alex Boswell and Wenners, who climbed of the bottom of Div 2 for the first time since week 6.

Nobby scored a season's best 38, Pk 34, Huw 33, Ben 29, Razor 27, Ready 27, Francey 25, Lee Horne 25, Henry 23, Jason 18 and the lowest score for the 7 days was 11. Welcome back Tony Murray. We have no idea who stole your body!

Magic from Houdini

N&R Division 1 - week 12 update
Bagpuss has his 2nd week at the top of Div 1 four points above Boys on tour. Then there is a gap to Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel with Tanus Terriers and Harry Houdini (named for Redknapp's tax evasion and not his relegation skills) are equal 4th. Tim climbed 6 places in week 13.

Paris Eagles are now 6th with Room with a view 7th and Woody's Round Up 8th. To Elland Back slip a little to 9th and ThE DrEaM FacTorY and Gooner win league share 10th.

Looking further down the table, I don't know what has happened to Bingo as they rocket to a relegation battle. Hannoi Utd move out of the drop zone, A Whitened Smut also moved himself into a much better position after a MoW winning week 13.

Still not a chance fall to bottom for the first time this season while Nobby Jnr climbs over both Neville and Lee's We are all Keith Lemon.

New order

N&R Division 2 - week 13 update
Pure Irish still top and still going strong but Dalton's Worblers are up to 2nd, Rosie's highest ever position and the gap between Hilary and the pack reduces to its slimmest margin yet.

There is a little bit of new order now in the chase for the top spots in Div 2 with Pimp my ride up to 3rd, Standard Ginger moving into a promising 6th, Dynamo Chicken Kiev a new entry in at 7th and Dan's Dribblers was a big climber too.

The No Hopers are 4th, 2infinity & beyond are 5th, Alchees Lubes 8th and Kiwi Fantastic 10th but Planet Kilpo, Gooner Go Up, Morgan's Machines and King of Leon Osman are all going backwards.

Not so Glasgow Kiss, who it is good to see back knocking points in. Brighton Blues were another mover upwards and at the bottom Lazarus United finally got their rear end of the ground and jumped ahead of Stocky's Starlets. Mark now has the best penultimate score.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Turkey Day to all of our American friends. As my old boss used to say Thanksgiving is like a four-day Sunday. You just eat, drink and watch sport on the telly for four days without any of hassle of having to buy presents for each other.

In honour, apologies honor, of my American friends I will have a little libation on Thursday and we close our office here in Bermuda on Friday because, well we can.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your famililes.

The fall and rise of Alan Pardew

I wrote this recently for my blog and wondered what you Hammers and Newcastle fans out there thought about Mr Alan Pardew.

-------------------------------------------------

Like 99.9% of all Charlton fans I was as pleased as punch when the club announced late on Christmas Eve in 2006 that Alan Pardew was joining to become our new manager and thus putting us out of the Les Reed misery. Reed's short spell in charge was a disaster and in my mind Pardew had done good things at Reading and was unfortunate to lose a political game at Upton Park a fortnight previous, and the Hammers loss was our gain.

Pardew was welcomed with open arms and he then proceeded to take us a rollercoaster of emotion. Who can forget the West Ham game or the comeback at Watford and of course the poignant final home game against Tottenham before we finally succumbed to relegation after losing just 7 of Pardew's 19 games in charge.

We all blamed Dowie, and we proudly dusted ourselves down and looked forward to watching a Championship promotion party a year later. Pardew instilled belief and pride in those first six months and we all bought in to it.

But then it all went wrong and somehow he then proceeded to completely dismantle the club's soul and helped by a weak board Pardew's ego became out of control as were allegedly some of his off-field antics.

Despite being hero worshipped at The Valley in that first year, it became obvious he thought Charlton was below him, an interesting jactitation, as his man management skills started to resemble David Brent. Like a small scab, Pardew picked at it and picked at it trying to make it better but only making things a whole lot worse until fan power forced him out, his grubby little hands clasping a cheque made out for £1.5m as he drove his Bentley out of the Valley gates.

Southampton were next for Pardew, brought in by the late Markus Liebherr. After Liebherr died Pardew relationship with his new boss, the outspoken Nicola Cortese, was always on a crash course and sure enough within a few months he was gone but not after he had signed almost a new team. Pardew left St Mary's with another big cheque in his hand.

In December last year, one of his mates and the head of the unofficial Cockney Mafia, Mike Ashley surprised and further dismayed Geordies by giving Pardew a five and half year contract, but not before he was castigated for some unwise words on BBC's MOTD2.

Today West Ham, Charlton, Southampton and Newcastle all sit in the top three of their respective divisions with some media types talking about Pardew as a possible next England manager.

Pardew's Newcastle are expected to lose their first game of the season tomorrow, but is Pardew any good? These are some questions I've been asking myself recently:

What would West Ham's fans do for a Premier League club again? Would Pardew have got Charlton relegated like his replacement did winning just 2 of the 21 games after Pardew was sacked. How many Southampton players that were signed by Pardew are now showcasing their talents at the top of the Championship under Nigel Adkins and how the flying fcuk is that smug git now managing a Premier League team sat 3rd in the table and still unbeaten?

Pardew is an extremely self confident individual who came to the glamour of professional football late but to me represents everything that is wrong with English football's new money. I often hear that because of his non-league background he brings old fashioned principles to clubs, well I'm not so sure Richard Murray would agree.

What Pardew does bring is a circus but there are few bigger and sillier circuses than at St James Park, sorry Sports Direct Arena. Maybe this has helped him up in the north-east and he was so unwanted when he first showed up that he had to show some humility, which I don't think comes easy.

What has always come easy however is his ability to say the right things to get supporters on side. Dowie may have had his PowerPoint presentation but Pardew has a well honed collection of patter.

Pardew is talented as a coach no doubt and many people in the game hold him in high regard, Chris Powell is one but what is pretty apparent is that he needs to be ruled with an iron fist and his ego and access to the purse strings need to be kept well in check. I am not convinced that Mike Ashley and Derek Llambias are the men to do that but the Geordies lack of cash has at least halted Pardew's mostly unnecessary raids into the transfer market.

Pardew at times reminded me of one of those determined shoppers barging into Harrods swing doors on New Year's Day waving (someone else's) cheque book! Pardew though wasn't always shopping in Harrods, at least when he was with us!

Whether Pardew is obsequious enough to have learnt from his mistakes, we will have to wait and see but one thing is for certain though, trouble is never far away and he won't help but fall over himself at some point and there will be plenty of obstacles in his way at Newcastle United.

N&R Weekly Bet

I went big in week 13 and came up short.... again.

Nobby:
Stoke v QPR HOME - WRONG
WBA v Bolton AWAY - WRONG
Wigan v Blackburn HOME - WRONG

£2 stake. Winning potential £36.10. Winnings £0

Ready:
Man C v Newcastle HOME - CORRECT
Stoke v QPR HOME - WRONG
Everton v Wolves HOME- CORRECT

£2 stake. Winning potential £7.80. Winnings £0

Running total:
Ready £33.00 (positive)
Nobby £6.24 (negative)

What's in a team name

No.2 Full Metal Jackett - Andrew Shepherd

Newbie Andrew named his N&R FL team in homage of Kenny Jackett - widely thought of as one of the best coaches outside of the top flight.

Millwall had a rough start to the season, especially after selling it's prized asset Steve Morison to Norwich in the summer but have improved dramatically in recent weeks.

Jacket spent his whole playing career at Watford notching up 337 appearances before injury ruined his career at the young age of just 28. Had he not incurred the injury he would have most likely topped Watford's all-time appearance record - currently held by striker Luther Blissett.

Jackett learnt had his coaching apprenticeship under Graham Taylor at Watford and was actually manager for a while in the mid-nineties. He left when Gianluca Vialli took over at Vicarage Road but Jackett made another smart move by working with Ian Holloway at QPR and contributed towards their Division Two promotion campaign.

After 3 years as an assistant Jackett left QPR to replace Brian Flynn as manager of Swansea in April 2004 and in his first full season in charge, they were promoted from League Two, finishing in third place. The club also won the FAW Premier Cup and he is acknowledged by Swans fans as the man who laid the foundations for Swansea's current push up the leagues.

He then had a short spell as Man City's reserve team manager before joining the Lions in November 2007.

Andrew is currently emulating his hero by challenging for promotion to N&R Div 1 in his first season.

Week 12 review

Wigan lost at home to Fulham, who won their first away game since 1967. Even Andy Carroll scored for Liverpool at WBA, Danny Graham scored in both nets as Swansea beat Bolton 3-1 and Darren Bent didn't score in Aston Villa's 2-2 draw at Sunderland.

Norwich had Grant Holt to thank again for converting a dodgy last minute penalty in the 3-3 draw against Balckburn Rovers.

Wolves put up a good fight at Eastlands and only conceded 3 goals. Dzeko, Kolarov and Johnson got the goals. Hernandez kept up United'c chances of grabbing a top 4 place with the winner at Everton but in the game of the day Arsenal beat Chelsea 5-3 at the Bridge, although sadly I am informed that Arsene Wenger didn't see any of the goals.

On Sunday Scott Parker was the stand-out player as Spurs beat QPR 3-1. Monday night the rampant Geordies (sorry that might just be their manager) beat Stoke away 3-1 with a Ba hat trick.

Photograph of the week

David Beckham won his first silverware (ignoring various Mickey Mouse cups that are given out willy nilly) last night as LA Galaxy beat Houston Dynamo 1-0 to win the MLS Cup. In fact it was Beckham who started the move for the goal, flicking the ball to Robbie Keane who laid on a nice pass for Landon Donovan to finish with a rare piece of quality.

Another Planet!

N&R Division 2 - week 12 update
Pure Irish remain top of the pops after 12 weeks with a 22 point lead over The No Hopers. Dalton's Warblers move back into 3rd although Soozie's Gooner Go Up slipped to 8th to prevent a burning of the bras at Nobby & Ready Towers.

In 4th and on form is Pimp my ride, 2Infinity & beyond fall to 5th and in 6th is, gawd love us, Planet Kilpo! Alcoves Lubes is back to 7th but Div 2 is equally as tight.

Barceloner are back in the promotion race and at 9th, Standard Ginger are 10th, Kiwi Fantastic 11th, Dan's Dribblers 12th, Full Metal Jacket 13th and Dynamo Chicken Kiev 14th.

Morgan's Machines fell to 16th and Goonersmoan were a big climber in the pack.

Bottom remains Lazarus United.

Pussy galore

N&R Division 1 - week 12 update
A new league leader in week 12 after Bagpuss hit top spot climbing 6 points clear of Boys on tour. Leader for one week Tanus Terriers drop to 4th, with long term leader Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel in 3rd. Paris Eagles are on equal points with Tanus and only 17 points separate the top 5 managers.

Not far behind in 6th is Woody's Round Up with Room with a view just a point behind Ricky.

To Elland Back climb back into title contention in 7th with Super Sav, ThE DrEaM FacTorY 8th and Harry Houdini all closing in behind.

Bingo, Keep the faith, Financial Bale Out and Gooner win League are all within spitting distance in what is turning into a very exciting period.

The bottom 14 are unchanged although Brox Banditos did make up some good ground. Nobby Jnr despite making 16 substitutions (it's my league so I do what I want) are still poxy bottom! Stewards!!

Pimp it up

Manager of the Week - week 12
Graham Ward lorded it to the week 12 MoW fiver with 61 points to push himself further into the Div 2 promotion reckoning. Graham will be hoping to emulate his brother and win promotion to the Big League.

Just a point behind Graham was Steve Merchant with 60 points, then Andy Cassell continued his great run with 57, the same as Geoff McCormick. Paul Long banged in his best weekly score of 55 with Neil Wallis doing likewise with 54.

Newly married Greg Foulger scored 53 with Chris Wright on 51. There was a half century for Daniel Weeks and a season-high.

Rutts hit 48, as did the delightful Rosie and champ Rob scored 47 alongside Mark Gregory.

Other notable week 12 scores were 40 for Bingo, 39 for Pk, 37 for Barry Paull, 35 for Neil Addington, 32 for Scott Morgan, 17 and a season-low for Mark Sterry and finally 14 for Richard Nathan.

Road to Wembley - Gateshead move on

Gateshead eased past local rivals Blyth Spartans to book their place in the FA Cup second round.

Calamitous defending from the Blue Square Bet North club allowed JON SHAW to break into the box and slot home for his 17th goal of the season and send The Heed on their way.

The visitors struck again when Shaw laid off a Chris Carruthers cross and MICKY CUMMINS' shot flew beyond the dive of keeper David Knight.

Blyth's best chance fell to Jamie Mole, whose right-footed effort hit the bar.

Gateshead: Alnwick, Curtis, Clark, Baxter, Carruthers, Gate, Brittain, Turnbull, Cummins, Shaw, Fisher.
Subs: Deasy, Rents, Henderson, Gillies, Nix, Mulligan, Moore.
Attendance: 2,763

So The Heed entered the 2nd Round draw and paired with either Hinckley or Tamworth.

More on Gateshead to follow.

Beckham and Galaxy need to win the MLS Cup

David Beckham in all probability will play his last game for LA Galaxy in the MLS Cup Final on Sunday night against Houston Dynamo. Galaxy’s Home Depot Center had already been pre-chosen as the venue for the final and in my mind Galaxy and Beckham need to win the game to justify the progress of professional soccer in the USA.

Sounds ridiculous I know and I would normally not say such nonsense but Galaxy have been the best MLS team for the past two seasons yet Beckham and co and have yet to lift the major trophy in American soccer.

Only twice since 2000 has the ‘best team’ won the end of season finale, which the media (and the MLS) pronounce as the championship title. Columbus Crew were the last team to win the Supporters Shield given to the team with the best overall season record and the MLS Cup. That was in 2008 and Columbus dominated in that period as did DC United for a couple of seasons before that.

However in the last two seasons LA Galaxy have finished the 34-game season with the best record (they were 2nd the season previous) but have failed miserably in the end of season play-offs.

Calls for a national single league, now 18 teams strong, and thus an eventual league winner have gone unheralded by the MLS, who worry that it would deter American sports fans from following their local(ish) teams. The American sports fan's psyche is like no other remember and fans well and truly believe that their team, in whichever sport, start every season with a chance of winning silverware, and at the very least are in with a big shout of an extended season via the play-offs.

Following a Fulham or a Sunderland would hold no value for an American fan and with no relegation, it is all about being the winner, which might explain that there are so many ridiculous side trophies up for grabs. I'll give you the Coffee Pot Cup and the Texas Derby to name just two.

If Galaxy beat Houston Dynamo tonight it will be a fitting finale for Beckham and provide a huge boost for the sport in a land where soccer has never been king. Whatever you think of him, you cannot deny his real love of playing the game and few thought that when he signed his 5-year deal in 2007 that he would see it out.

Beckham is still a crowd pleaser and without doubt, although not quite to the same initial degree, he still adds bums to seats wherever he plays. Why do you think the GB Olympic team are talking up his chances of playing next summer?

Beckham has had a record season for assists (15) and has an eye on returning to Europe, preferably the Premier League. No doubt he still feels he could feature in the European Championships, although I would say that is unlikely but a chance to champion the 2012 London Olympics would mean an awful lot to him.

Beckham has been good for the growth of soccer in America despite the cynics and naysayers. Without his influence I wonder if Thierry Henry, Torsten Frings, Robbie Keane and others would have come to America to play? Would new stadiums have been built and would NBC have taken so much as a sideways glance?

There will be a full house in Carson, California tonight, but if Houston win the game, news of it will only fill a few lines of tomorrow and Monday's national papers but if David Beckham is photographed holding aloft the trophy, well that will be big front page news and every sports fan will be talking about it and not just in the USA but around the globe.

It is as simple as that. Sorry Houston but there can be only one winner tonight if the MLS and soccer in America is to continue to progress.

Whilst on the subject of the MLS I'd like to recommend a blog written by fellow Charlton fan Jimmy Stone, called Football Not Soccer, who has followed the MLS season with some erudite and witty posts. Take a look.

What's in a team name

No.1: Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel - Ian Kennett

I asked around again to see what an earth possesses some of you to name the teams the way you do. I'll start of with early season N&R Div 1 leader Ian Kennett for the first of the series.

We've had Goliath's Big Brother, Nortius Maximus and the Wody Webels, Who are you calling Big Nose, He's not the Messiah he's a very naughty boy, Blessed are the cheesemakers, Incontinentia Buttocks and now Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel.

For you film buffs or at least Monty Python fans, then you will have guessed that Ian is a huge fan of what he describes as the best film ever made - The Life of Brian.

For this year's team name the reference Ian uses is from a scene before the stoning, Brians mother (played by Terry Jones) is buying some stones and asks for 'Two points, two flats, and a packet of gravel' and it is a simple as that but bloody annoying when I have to keep typing it!

I'm leaning towards "Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper" for next season!

Tanus tops

N&R Division 1 - week 11 update
For the first time in 8 weeks we have a new N&R FL Div 1 leader. Tanus Terriers scramble to the top ahead of Two points, two flats and a packet of gravel by one whole point. Lee is the 3rd manager who has led table after Ian and Barry Paull in week's 1 & 2.

Barry's Paris Eagles stay 3rd, with Woody's Round Up, Bagpuss and Boys on Tour all in close pursuit.

There is a little gap to 7th where sits Harry Houdini and only a few points then separate Room with a view and Super Super Sav, Super Savlyuchenko.

In 10th is current champ To Elland Back with ThE DrEaM FacTorY 11th and Guinness & eggs 12th.

Bingo was the week's biggest faller - from 8th to 13th, whilst Financial Bale Out went from 22nd to 15th.

Gooner win League made some good ground and FFC 4Ever made it out of the relegation spots.

At the bottom We are all Keith Lemon moved back above basement team Nobby Jnr.

Hopers hot on Hills heels

N&R Division 2 - week 11 update
Pure Irish still lead but the No Hopers are now hot on Hills heels. 2Infinity & beyond drop to 3rd and Dalton's Worblers are 4th.

Gooner go up and Alchees Lubes swap places with 7th spot going to Pimp my Side. Planet Kilpo keep surprising us with another jump to 8th and Ginger Standard move into 9th after a excellent week.

Full Metal Jackett are 10th but Kiwi Fantastic slip to 11th. Dan's dribblers are back in the promotion places and Morgan's Machines are only a point ahead of King Of Leon Osman and 3 in front of Barceloner and SAF.

Megan & Hannah's Teddy Bears moved up the table as did Glasgow kiss and Wheelers Warriors.

At the bottom remains Lazarus United but they closed the gap on Stocky Starlets in week 11.

Run rabbit run

Past N&R FL Champion Doyley struck gold, well ginger, in week 12 by earning himself a nice little fiver when his 51 points was enough to win the latest MoW award.

Dewbs came closest to Pete with 49, which was a season high, and then Neil Reynolds and Greg Foulger both smashed a 46. Francey hopped in with a 45 and new Div leader Lee Horne scored 43.

Andrew Wheeler scored 41 and 40 points was the number of choice for Graham Ward, Rutts, Michael Stout and Daniel Duboux.

Other scores of note were Steve Black (38), Kilpo (36), Soozie (34), Alex Boswell (33), which was a season's best as was Wenners with a 31.

Pk hit 24, Jason Syrett managed just 18, which was a season low, likewise Chillers with just 17 and Mark Gregory (15), Barry Plummer (15), Geoff McCormick (14) and John McGowan (14) also suffered their worst week of the season.

But let's spare a thought for Man U fan Mark Simmons, whose whole team is made up of players from the Theatre of NightmareS. A -2 score for Mark, the league's worst of the season - poor Mark, he must be ONE SIX MAN.

Worst weekly score - one six man!

Well done Mr Simmons, that -2 is going to be tough to beat. But then again that will probably guarantee you your annual cash prize!

Top 10 worst weekly score:
1. Mark Simmons, week 11, -2 points
2. Danny Rose, week 2, 6 points
3. Mark Wenman, week 6, 8 points
4= Danny Rose, week 3, 9 points
4= Simon Newport, week 6, 9 points
4= Brett Davey, week 7, 9 points
7= Neville White, week 11, 10 points
7= Peter Godfrey, week 11, 10 points
9= Chris Waterman, week 7, 12 points
9= Tony Murray, week 11, 12 points
Scores up to week 11

The Road to Wembley - Hebburn out

Sadly the Road to Wembley is over for the lowest ranked team left in the world famous cup competition. Hebburn Town’s fairytale FA Cup run came to a shuddering halt on Saturday courtesy of Gateshead’s razor-sharp striker Jon Shaw and it is now Gateshead that we will follow into the FA Cup 1st Rd proper.

The Conference’s top hit man moved to an astonishing 18 goals in 18 games with a brace against the Northern League part-timers – but there was no disgrace in defeat for Paul Bennett’s men, who snuffed out their high-flying opponents with some determined defending during a tight first half.

Registering some 25 shots to Hebburn’s two, this ended up being a thoroughly professional job from the professionals.

Ian Bogie had asked for focus and application from his side, and after Shaw’s second-half opener they turned the screw on their North East neighbours.

But having banked nearly £20,000 and moved through five stages to get to the brink of the first round proper, Hebburn can hold their (presumably sore) heads up high this morning.

They had a healthy following in an impressive 1,198 crowd at the International Stadium and defended with determination for half-an-hour, when skipper Chris Jewels was the best player on the pitch.

Fitness inevitably told and Gateshead were clear, deserved winners as Jon Shaw (2) and Nathan Fisher scored in The Heed's 3-0 victory.

Hebburn Town: Regan; Forster, King (Tate 75), Forsyth (Toomey 79), Wright; Stephenson (Lunn 67), Jewels, Gardiner, Nicholson; McBryde, Nicholson. Subs: Harrison, Walker, Bamborough, Hunter
Attendance: 1,198

Then on Sunday lunchtime Gateshead were rewarded with a trip to Droylsden or Blyth Spartans, both from the Confernce North, where The Heed will start as favourites.

Full FA Cup 1st Rd draw here. My Charlton boys are on the box away at FC Halifax Town.

Gateshead become just N&R's 4th Road to Wembley team this season following AFC Liverpool, Runcorn Linnetts and Hebburn Town.