My kinda town

I thought today would be a perfect day to begin my leaving celebrations. This afternoon I will be in the pub to watch the friendly between England and USA and hopefully will be joined by various worky people I have got to know until I crawl home sometime tonight.

My American visa when I came here from London in 2003 took so long, that I actually ended up repeating all of my leaving parties! I don't think that will be the case here, as I do seem on plan to leave for Bermuda during June.

Following our absence from the Euro's, today's game bears no significence whatsoever except some good hearted banter, although in the name of pride and face-saving I hope England repeat the easy victory I witnessed in Chicago 3 years ago.

Meanwhile David Beckham warmed up for the match by scoring a 70-yarder for Los Angeles Galaxy on Saturday. Click here to see it and the US squad also includes local boys Jonathan Spector and Jay DeMerit.

Team Challenge - BMS snatch title

In what was a quite dramatic title run in, Wenners and Shay from BMS took the famous trophy beating off their nearest rivals from across the pond Allianz by just 9 points. Allianz looking to become the first winners of the N&R Team Challenge Trophy just fell short and the title remains in brokers hands again for the 5th time in 6th years. Congratulations to BMS and we look forward to handing you the trophy.

In 3rd place came last season's winners Layton Blackham, who put up a great fight led by Huw. RSA suffered a dramatic loss of form to slump to 4th, half of this team is situated in London, the other half Miami.

In 5th were the the Aspen boys with Plummer out in front, but it wasn't quite good enough. 6th were past winners AIG and they can all blame Francey. Next was the Ex-Pats, who made a terrific run in the final weeks - Nobby, Barry and Paull all finishing well. In 8th came the Japanese and the Carribbean arm of Lloyds of London with Neil and Razor both having middling seasons.

9th was Willis, who managed to get out of the bottom three, 10th came Lockton, who slumped from 2nd at one point. Then 2nd from last was the huge Aon Re team. I mean they couldn't ask much more from PK, Graves and McGowan - the best 3 managers in the league but they were let down by others.

And finally bottom of the heap was my fellow Yankies for the time being ARS USA. Littig lead the way with the 45th highest score!

Rant over

A couple of interesting graphs posted on the BBC website today that tells a dramatic story to the reason why we had three of the four semi-finalists in the Champions League, yet we didn't qualify for the European Championships in Switzerland and Austria.

Only 170 of the 498 players who started matches in the top flight in 2007-08 were English - just 34.1% of the total. However it can be pointed out that these generally tend to be the best players in the world. This cannot be said for teams playing foreigners lower down the leagues.Credit to the Hammers for having the most Englishman. Curbs has always been known for his witty dry sense of humour and playing teams predominately of Brits. Kudos to Martin O'Neill too. At the other end of the spectrum, it is no surprise to see Arsenal and Liverpool rock bottom, but it is Blackburn. Fulham have half of the American 'roster' in their team of course.

The other numbers that are worrying, and I don't have a graph, are that of the teams academies, now in nearly every case dotted with young talent from overseas. This is where the world cup winners of tomorrow should be coming from, but all clubs are doing is helping groom Nigeria, Spain and France's national teams. I don't see Barcelona, Milan and Lyon's youth team being stuffed full off Bristish youngsters.

A look at the managers - part 1

Let us start with last season's Champion Ryan Saveall. I bemoaned the low scoring before Christmas, but a remarkable improvement in the second half of this campaign would have meant that Ryan would only have finished 9th with the same score this season! As it was Ryan 4th at one point never built on his excellent start to this season - he obviously had both hands full with Soozie's charms - and after qualifying quite easily for the Title run in, he just flopped into a disappointing 21st place. But he won't be the last N&R manager to suffer that 2nd season syndrome.

Ready, another ex-champ and last years runner up will also be disappointed. Keith also had a fairly good start and hovered around the top 15 for the majority of the season. But after qualification for the Title Race, he ran out of gas and ended up 24th. The sexy Barwick & Higgs played with my emotions this season. They were top 8 up until week 28 of Div 1, and reached the summit for 3 weeks in October. However the ladies normally spot on in the transfer market may have got it wrong a couple time this season, and at the play-off stage started down in 15th. They did come strong though and thought they would challenge the leaders, they did to 10th in week but they came up short.

NY Eagle Barry Paull is always a candidate for honours, but this time he had, for Barry, a very poor 1st half of the season. He got dumped unceremoniously into the Plate but came out of it well and ended up collecting the runners up prize behind his old mate Godders. Pete after his title winning days back in the 90's has found the N&R FL a real tough nut to crack in recent years, particularly now he has to work for a living! Last year he had the embarrassment of finishing last in the Premiership, this time he was dropped into the Plate, but came up smelling of roses by winning it and it's good to see Godders name on a prize once again.

Mark Dewberry has had a couple of good N&R years, especially last season finishing 5th. This time he was up there challenging until Christmas, but then rolled down like Mrs Christmas' stockings. He ended up in the Title Race but struggled to make any inroads and ended up 22nd. Kirstie, the bird with those lips you wanna see suck on a plum, had a poor season. An okay start, well she at least picked players from the right list, but then after September it was a struggle. In the Plate she never got going and finished sucking air in 17th.

Do we have a new consistent N&R manager? Johnny McGowan 7th last year and 3rd this. Great achievement from the lifelong Blues fan (no Johnny come lately here) and only 3 weeks outside of the prize positions - well done John. Razor Nathan had a cracking first season last year and at times in this he looked like he could repeat it. Unfortunately he came unstuck at the change-over missing out of relegation and giving the Plate a crack, but too far behind the challengers to give the Title a go. There were a few mangers that the play-off's were rather unfair for (in fact Ready and Nobby were two of them) and Razor sure told me so in an email. Sorry mate but come back next season.

Mark Simmons kept up his magnificent record of always collecting some prize money. This time it came in the final week grabbing last place, by using his final transfers to good effect. Well deserved though as Mark spent the majority of the season challenging for the title.

Wenners once finished runners up (04-05) but has not since reached those dizzy heights. He did give it a good go this time though, and led the table in the very early weeks but ended just a bit short and finished 11th. Stable mate Shay Reddy won prize money in his first year last time out, it wasn't as fruitful this season. He did make the Title race but came away empty handed. Oakers, oh Oakers. After a couple of much improved seasons, due to German efficiencies, Al (another non-plastic Blue by the way) was back to his old ways this season and took the unwanted tag of the worst manager in 2007-08 out of all 55!

Tatters had again satisfy himself with the 2nd tier, last year he came 4th and therefore got promoted, only for him to get slung out again before redeeming himself once again by this time finishing 4th. Soozie has found a new bloke but it appeared to distract her this season finishing 18th, her worst placing since the 1998-99 season! Sooz - dump him.

Francey is another fantasy old timer and last season actually made a small profit on the his excursions. However it was back to normal for Ian this time, winning nowt and being faced with buying the annual AIG ruby murray. Glenda Francis started with such promise, but has slowly become more useless as the years move on. His fantasy football is much the same.

Ian Kennett, the Newcastle United of the N&R FL. Well supported, big capacity, sleeping midget but never won a thing. Nothing changed this season, although Ian won't mind as the Folkestone Red is still sobering up after last week's events. John Littig ploughs his trade in Philadephia now. Great movie, great cheese steak, fucking terrible fantasy football managers. John dropped to the Plate, and well that was it.

Part 2 to follow.

Crying shame

I walked from the pub yesterday afternoon to another pub chuckling my arse off at John Terry. I mean if it wasn't for that bitch slap that Drogba had done on Vidic, then I'm assuming that JT would not have taken that 5th penalty. I hope poor old Didlier got a good slapping himself in the dressing room, I mean if you're going to get sent-off in a big game, then do it properly a la Zidane, eh?

The game did keep my interest though, I'm not a Champions League watcher because, well I'm a Charlton fan, so for the same reason's I don't watch what the weather's doing in Australia, I have little interest in the Champions League. But it had all the thrills and spills that I'd hoped for. United and Ronaldo were awesome as my American Manchester Devil fans call them, in the first half. Lampard got a lucky goal and then 2nd half Chelsea really should have won it.

But penalties are made for heroes and villians (and 10 years on, don't we just know it?) and Ronaldo after a season when he could do no wrong, was bloody odds on, in my book, to miss but Terry saved his bacon, even though Big Brave JT fell over, his was still a better kick thant Ronaldo's.

Le Sulk, who doesn't give a flying who he plays for, then strolled up, and that was it. Cue Sir Bobby and some strange looks from the people around me in the pub. "Who the fucks that?" said one, and that was the young lad I befriended in the queue (yes there was a queue to get in the pub much to the amazement of passers by) before the game, who was from that hotbed of United support, Hampshire.

Anyway at least a proper Champion won and I was pleased for Giggsy, what football fan wouldn't be? But as Ronaldo cried joys of relief, Terry blubbed like a baby, and for those who have witnessed him parking in disabled bays, pissing on the floor of nightclubs, attacking innocent bystanders, haranguing referees or spitting at Carlos Tevez, well they just grinned.

Tears at bedtime

I walked from the pub yesterday afternoon to another pub chuckling my arse off at John Terry. I mean if it wasn't for that bitch slap that Drogba had done on Vidic, then I'm assuming that JT would not have taken that 5th penalty. I hope poor old Didlier got a good kicking in the dressing room - if you're going to get sent off in a big game, then do it properly a la Zidane, eh?

The game kept my interest, I'm not a Champions League watcher because frankly I'm a Charlton fan, so it's a bit like not watching what the weather's going to be like in Australia. But it had all the thrills and spills that I'd hoped for. United and Ronaldo were awesome as my American Manchester Devil fans call them, in the first half. Lampard got a lucky goal and then 2nd half Chelsea really should have won it.

But penalties are made for heroes and villians (Charlton beat Sunderland at Wembley on them 10 years ago this weekend Pete) and Ronaldo after a season when he could do no wrong, was bloody odds on, in my book, to miss but Terry saved his bacon, even though Big Brave JT fell over and beat Van der Saar except for a post. It was actually a much better penalty than Ronaldos.

Le Sulk, who doesn't give a flying who he plays for, then strolled up, and that was it. Cue Sir Bobby and some strange looks from the people around me in the pub. "Who the fucks that?" they said, and that was the young lad I befriended in the queue (yes there was a queue to get in the pub much to the amazement of passers by) before the game, who was from that hotbed of United support, Hampshire's New Forest. Here on an intership.

Anyway I was pleased for Giggsy though, what football fan wouldn't be. And as Ronaldo cried joys of relief, Terry blubbed like a baby, well at least he cares.

Mr Chelsea

Who do you want to win the Euro Championships

Ok, so no England, no Scotland, no Irish and of course no Sheep Shaggers. So, who do you want to win? Are you even going to watch it? Or are you in fact looking forward to watching games without any nerves completely unbiased.

Here is the current list of favourites:

Germany 4/1
Spain 6/1
Italy 7/1
Portugal 7/1
France 8/1
Holland 10/1
Croatia 12/1
Czech Rep 16/1
Switzerland 20/1
Russia 25/1
Sweden 25/1
Greece 25/1
Turkey 33/1
Poland 40/1
Romania 50/1
Austria 66/1

BUT, if you can't decide then this will help you. Go on click on the link:
http://www.the-onion-bag.com/euro2008/whotosupport.php

Who you got?

An even better Euro Champs guide

Who do you FANCY to win the European Championships??

This is great - the girls might not appreciate it, but if one of you lasses has a go, then please share your findings:

Click on the link:
http://www.the-onion-bag.com/euro2008/100yards.php

Who was your top 3?

Toilet humour

What do they say about what goes around comes around? Well poor Glen Johnson had his FA Cup winners medal stolen yesterday after he left it in a hotel. Perhaps he should call his old mate Ben May because he may have it stuffed down his sofa?

"When I got back to the hotel and checked to look at my winner's medal, it was gone. I'm so disappointed. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed someone's going to give it back." (more)

Back at the beginning of last year the brainless Johnson and Scunthorpe's May, then at Millwall were caught red handed trying to steal a toilet seat and a set of taps from B&Q in Dartford.

Maybe if Johnson had stolen a bath tap he could of hung that around his neck instead of his medal. Dick.

If You - Ian Kennett

Ian on how he would love to play with his breasts all day, help Ready out in the pant area, his starring role in Star Wars and on the fact that he is not bitter about the Independent collapse at all.

If You
Name: Ian Kennett
Nickname: Conehead (my old school mates coined this and I am at a loss to explain)
I Support: My wife and, two children
Birthplace: A man of Kent I was born in St Helena Military Hospital, Shorncliffe (Folkestone)

1) If you weren’t in insurance, what would you do for a living?
An out of work actor

2) If you could be someone else for the day, who would you be?
If I could name the time and date as well it would have to be Martin Johnson on November 22nd 2003 (for the non egg chasers and Yanks out there that was the day England won the rugby world cup)

3) If you could be a fly on the wall anywhere, where would it be?
Porn film set or the Playboy mansion

4) If you could have those x-ray eyes that could see through clothing, who would you look at first?
Certainly not anyone in our office

5) If you could be any footballer past or present, who would it be?
Very easy ….George Best

6) If you could change the team you support, who would you change it to?
Not a chance – is this one of those crappy catch questions where you try and doubt the sincerity of someone’s support ? (Yes - Nobby)

7) If you worked at airport security, who would you like to search knowing that you can be as obnoxious as you like?
In no particular order:
Michael Bright
Phil Condon
Although I suspect they are not allowed to travel at present....
Arsene Wenger
The South African Rugby world cup winning side and all of their supporters
The Australian cricket team

8) If you were the Prime Minister or President, what would be the first thing you did?
Make St Georges Day a national holiday

9) If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you bought?
Marsh (sorry wrong questionnaire)
A pint (and one for you) to celebrate

10) If you could invent anything, what would it be?
Rub in hair restorer that worked in an hour
Genuine penis enlarger (for Ready)
The never ending pint

11) If you could have starred in a movie, which one would it be?
Debbie does Dallas or Star Wars (R2D2? - Nobby)

12) If you could have been at any football game, which one would it have been?
European Cup Final 1968

13) If you could make one of your dreams real, which one would it be?
Please refer to question 10 or the one with me Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz , Mylene Klass and the industrial size barrel of baby oil and selection of root vegetables

14) If you could live the life of any person in history, who would it be?
I’d probably have to go back to George (Best) – not a long life but what a life!

15) If you were born again, would you want to come back as the opposite sex?
Tough one – whilst the opportunity to play with my own breasts all day might sound enticing I’d have to say no – after all I’d be a Lesbian and all men are bastards!

Road to Wembley - King Kanu

I quite enjoyed the FA Cup final, despite Pompey being so negative in the 2nd half, but credit to Cardiff for never giving up the ghost. I was in a half-full pub and it was unusual not to hear one American accent, just English voices with the occasional Welsh one mixed in. It will be a lot different I am sure on Wednesday when the Manchester Devils play the Chelsea Ruskies.

Cardiff started the game at real pace and continued it for large chunks of the game. Pompey's passing and movement, allowed them to sit back and soak up Cardiff pressure. The first chance came to Paul Parry after Joe Ledley played him in but 'keeper David James made a crucial block to deny Cardiff the lead.

Kanu almost scored in the 21st minute after a sublimely controlling a pass from Sulley Muntari, dancing around Enckelman, only to send his effort against the outside of the post with the goal unguarded.

He made no mistake eight minutes before the interval when Enckelman, aho had looked dodgy all half, could only push out Utaka's whipped cross from the right flank and KANU pounced to score.

Cardiff had more than held their own and almost provided an instant response when Parry raced clear down the left, but his cross stretched Kevin McNaughton as he arrived at the far post and the chance was gone.

And Bluebirds had a goal ruled out in first-half injury time when Pompey keeper James - who has form for high-profile mistakes in FA Cup finals - missed a corner, but Loovens handled before sending a looping finish into the net.

In the 2nd half Cardiff took the game to Portsmouth, who sat back and rarely threatened. Pompey resorted to niggly fouls to upset Cardiff's tempo. Dave Jones threw on 17-year old Aaron Ramsey, and later substituted fat boy Jelly Floyd Hasselbaink, who was as pants as he was for Charlton the whole of last season.

Pompey sub Nugent, got his fat arse of the bench and nearly scored from a tight angle, and as the Welshman desperately pushed forward Distin almost punished them with a run from the half-way line that was only halted by a fine tackle from Roger Johnson.

But it was our boys Pompey's day as for once the favourites justified their tag in this season's unpredictable FA Cup. To their credit, many Cardiff supporters stayed inside the stadium to see Pompey lift the Cup before they left to weigh up their sheep shagging options later that evening.

Portsmouth: James, Johnson, Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson, Utaka (Nugent 69), Pedro Mendes (Diop 78), Diarra, Muntari, Kranjcar, Kanu (Baros 87).
Subs Not Used: Ashdown, Pamarot.
Attendance: 89,874 (at Wembley)

Almost there

Just one more game then, and only Portsmouth players will earn points this Saturday in the FA Cup final. Unfortunately if you have Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink in your team or Robbie Fowler, you probably picked your team from an old list. Kirsty? You have Jimmy Floyd?

In the next week or so I will knock out this season's final table, the newsletter, the prize winners, a look at each manager and any other weird and funny stuff I can think off.

I am still waiting on my move to Bermuda and am waiting for a date. If my contact details change I will of course let you know. A summer end of season drinkie poos is planned and Ready and I will advise the date.

Meanwhile a few dates for your diary:

Wed 21st May - Champions League Final
Man Utd v Chelsea (Moscow)

Thursday 22nd May - final SPL games
Aberdeen v Rangers (Pittodrie)
Dundee Utd v Celtic (Tannadice Park)

Saturday 24th May - Championship play off final
Bristol City v Hull City (Wembley)

Saturday 24th May - Scottish Cup final
Queen of the South v Rangers (Hampden)

Sunday 25th May - League One play off final
Leeds Utd v Southend or Doncaster (Wembley)

Monday 26th May - League Two play off final
Rochdale or Darlington v Stockport or Wycombe (Wembley)

Wed 28th May - Friendly International
England v USA (Wembley)

Saturday 7th June - Euro 2008 start (Austria and Switzerland)

Week 40 reminder

Well you can't have forgotten already? Man U beat Wigan with a Ronaldo penalty and a goal for the great Giggs. Strike One for United. Chelsea were pegged back by safe Bolton 1-1, not that it mattered.

At the bottom that twat Danny Murphy headed Foolham to safety (drat, I hate Fulham), Pompey lost their 4th game on the trot and Reading despite beating Derby 4-0 (89 conceded for the season for the Rams) join Birmingham, who also won 4-1 at home to Blackburn in dropping out of the Prem.

Middlesbrough sent Sven off on an embarrassing note beating Citeh 8-1. Alves got a hattrick. Walcott got the Gunners winner at Sunderland and Liverpool beat Spurs with Torres 24th league goal.

Top Premier League scorers:
Ronaldo Man Utd 31
Adebayor Arsenal 24
Torres Liverpool 24
Santa Cruz Blackburn 19
Berbatov Tottenham 15
Keane Tottenham 15
Benjani Man City 15
Yakubu Everton 15
Tevez Man Utd 14
Carew Aston Villa 13
Defoe Portsmouth 12
Rooney Man Utd 12

The Bard

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 40

Aaron Barden won his hatrick of MoW's in week 40 scoring a massive 79 points, 17 points more than his nearest rival, who was straggler Richard Nathan.

To emphasise how good Aaron's score was the 3rd best was 55 points, 24 less than his 79. Dewbs owned the 55, Ben Graves scored 54, James Down 53, Nobby and Stouty 52, last season's champ Ryan Saveall with 50 and Barry Paull scored 48.

Other mentions in dispatches go out to Chris Wright, Paul Kelleher, Mark Wenman and Neil Cryer.

Week 40's worst score? Rutts with 6.

Johnny, Plums & Barden fight for prize money

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 40 news
Egg & (Stevie) Bacon made some ground up on Tally.Wacker.co.uk but with just one game to play the title is heading to Romford. Runningoutofroubles are 2 points ahead of 2Infinity & beyond, who in turn are 2 points ahead of MoW Ajax Treesdown. Its very tight between these 3 with 50 quid additional prize money up for grabs.

There is a gap to 6th with Student Uprising climbing a place above Boys on tour, who will be hoping to stay in the top 8 after a fine first N&R FL season. In 8th remains Get him big Dave but right on his tail is Inter Thepub and Premiership - here we come.

Barretts the bollocks, Obafemi & the Femidoms, Flighty Feet and the No Hopers look like they might miss out.

At the bottom Arsene Knows after a poor week own the Title Race penultimate spot snatching it from Tora Tora Torres, who had a great week. It is all about timing!

Eagles trying to land on top

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 40 news
A cracking, if sad week for Barry's NY Eagles as they moved within 30 points of leaders Premiership - here we come (although not in either SE6 or SE25 I'm afraid). It's a huge gain for Barry with just the Cup Final to play.

In Tatters slip to 3rd, and Carnarvon move back into 4th above Pure Irish. To add to the mix Lee's Last train to Seaford jumps into 5th, a point above fellow Hammers, Hargs. Rochdale at Lloyds are just a point behind Paul and Californication are also still in with a big shout of burtsing into the prize positions.

Space Badgers and Wizzi's wonders have a very outside chance.

Nipple Antennae look set to sweep The Plate penultimate place award.

Road to Wembley - Pompey unusual facts

Play up Pompey, our team for Saturday's final. Here are some things about Harry Redknapp's team you may not have known:

1) Fratton Park is one of the most atmospheric stadiums in the Premier League. It has slowly undergone some redevelopment but still looks a bit past it. That's probably because Pompey have played there since 1888!

2) They hope to move to a new ground in 2011

3) Pompey almost went bankrupt in 1999 and to save money, the cash-strapped club cancelled their weekly order of new jockstraps, a move which would save £112. Administrator Tom Burton ordered the club to wash them instead of buying new ones.

4) The origins of the 'Pompey Chimes' lies with the Royal Artillery, Portsmouth's most popular and successful football team for much of the 1890s, who played many of their home games at the United Services ground in Burnaby Road. The nearby Guildhall clock would strike the quarter hours and the referees would use the clock to let them know when the match should finish at 4pm. Just before 4pm the crowd would lilt in unison with the chimes of the hour to encourage the referee to blow the whistle signifying full time.

5) Portsmouth have won the FA Cup before. In 1939 they beat Wolves 4-1. During the 2nd World War, the competition was suspended, so Pompey retained the cup until 1946.

6) Portsmouth badge (above) dates back for 800 years. The coat of arms was given to the city in 1194 by King Richard I.

7) San Diego has a fully fledged Pompey supporters club with over 100 members.

8) Goalkeeper Alan Knight holds the record for the most appearances for one club by a goalkeeper. He played 801 games Portsmouth between 1978 and 2000. This beat easily Peter Bonetti's previous record of 600 goalkeeping appearances for Chelsea.

9) After Harry Redknapp left in November 2004 to take over at bitter rivals Southampton, 3 different managers (Velimir Zajec, Alain Perrin and Joe Jordan) took the helm before Redknapp rejoined just 13 months later.

10) If you have been to Fratton Park, you cannot help to get bloody annoyed by a bell that is rung by a fan all game long. The man responsible is John "Portsmouth Football Club" Westwood. That's not a nickname, he actually changed his name to Portsmouth Football Club and I've actually had a beer with him in a pub before a Pompey v Charlton game, and he is a fookin nutter!

If You - Peter Godfrey

Godders tells us about his hopes for no targets, redundancy and caring politicans.

If You
Name: Peter Godfrey
Nickname: Godders or Mr Kipling (If anyone’s seen my golf swing, they’ll know why)
I Support: Heart – Man Utd. Financially – Charlton, although undecided as yet about next season (glory boy - Nobby)
Birthplace: Eriffff, Kent (just south of Manchester - Nobby)

1) If you weren’t in insurance, what would you do for a living?
Professional drinker

2) If you could be someone else for the day, who would you be?
The Queen

3) If you could be a fly on the wall anywhere, where would it be?
Bin Laden’s cave

4) If you could have those x-ray eyes that could see through clothing, who would you look at first?
Cameron Diaz

5) If you could be any footballer past or present, who would it be?
George Best

6) If you could change the team you support, who would you change it to?
Why change now after 40 years?

7) If you worked at airport security, who would you like to search knowing that you can be as obnoxious as you like?
Tony Blair

8) If you were the Prime Minister or President, what would be the first thing you did?
Ban specific sub- targets in any work objectives, thus allowing people to actually do what they should be doing. I.E. Private sector making as much profit for their company as possible. Public sector doing what it says on the tin – teachers teaching, police policing, doctors doctoring, nurses nursing etc. It’s terrifying to think how much time and effort is wasted in trying to reach irrelevant targets, rather than actually doing what should be done.

9) If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you bought?
A one-way ticket to Thailand

10) If you could invent anything, what would it be?
A politician who didn’t lie and actually had their constituent’s interest at heart, not their own

11) If you could have starred in a movie, which one would it be?
Dr No – opposite Ursula Undress

12) If you could have been at any football game, which one would it have been?
1957 CAFC v Huddersfield. 10-man Charlton win 7-6 having lost Ufton at 0-0 and been 4-1 down

13) If you could make one of your dreams real, which one would it be?
Redundancy tomorrow

14) If you could live the life of any person in history, who would it be?
George Best

15) If you were born again, would you want to come back as the opposite sex?
Pass

Ryan Giggs - a legend

Ryan Giggs, probably one of the best ever players I have watched in the flesh matched Bobby Charlton's 758 games appearance record for Man U the day he helped the team he has played for since 1991, win the Premier League title at Wigan on Sunday.

A Picture history can be found here

Road to Wembley - what happened

Play up Pompey, our 10th club that we have followed through the 15 rounds of this season’s greatest cup competition in the world. Back in August we began with Cadbury Athletic, purely because I liked the creme eggs.

Round by Round this is what happened:

Extra Preliminary Round - Cadbury 1-1 Alvechurch. Att: 68
Extra Preliminary Round Replay - Alvechurch 6-0 Cadbury. Att: 89
Preliminary Round - Bolehall Swifts 1-3 Alvechurch. Att: 86
1st Qualifying Round - Quorn 5-0 Alvechurch. Att: A nut cutlet and two carrots
2nd Qualifying Round - Quorn 1-4 Evesham Utd. Att: 109
3rd Qualifying Round - Halesown 0-3 Evesham Utd. Att: 332
4th Qualifying Round - Evesham 0-0 Halifax Town. Att: 652
4th Qualifying Round Replay - Halifax Town 2-1 Evesham Utd. Att: 1,025
1st Round proper - Halifax Town 0-4 Burton Albion. Att: 1,936
2nd Round - Burton Albion 1-1 Barnet. Att: 2,769
2nd Round Replay - Barnet 1-0 Burton Albion. Att: 1,379
3rd Round - Swindon 1-1 Barnet. Att: 5,944
3rd Round Replay - Barnet 1-1 Swindon (AET, Barnet won on pens). Att: 2,810
4th Round - Barnet 0-1 Bristol Rovers. Att: 5,190
5th Round - Bristol Rovers 1-0 Southampton. Att: 11,920
6th Round - Bristol Rovers 1-5 West Brom. Att: 12,011
Semi Final - West Brom 0-1 Portsmouth. Att: 83,584 (at Wembley)
Final - Portsmouth v Cardiff City (at Wembley Saturday)

More on Portsmouth soon.

Week 39 reminder

Wigan won at Villa to secure their Premier League status - well done to Paul Jewell and we look forward to the next video installment. Bolton almost did likewise beating Sunderland at home with an o.g. and one from ace gobber Diouf.

Fulham had a massive win over the Blues at the Cottage in front of 4,000 neutrals. McBride and Nevland scoring. West Ham threw in the towel but defended a 4-1 defeat superbly at OT. Robbie Keane did a cartwheel at the Majedski on a bad day for Reading.

Arsenal and Liverpool both won 1-0, goals from Bendtner and Torres whilst Chelsea made sure the title race would go to the wire by winning at St James. Ballack getting his 9th goal of the season.

Wright on

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 39
Chris Wright deservedly won his first prize money of the season in week 38. A fiver for MoW is a great effort for the player that has been challenging all season and can still secure a top 10 finish in the Title Race. 56 points did for Chris, 5 more than Tim Feldbruegge, who suddenly is knocking the points in.

Next up was James Down and Dave Wisdom, who despite being separated by an ocean still work superbly as a team. Wenners and Foulger both scored 49 and almost forgotten Davor notched a credible 45.

Week 39's lowest score was 7 scored by Alex Boswell.

Dom, Wenners & Flighty all chase top 10 spot

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 39 news
Only a minor miracle will prevent Paul's Tally.Wacker.co.uk winning their first N&R FL title even though Egg & (Stevie) Bacon did close the gap in week 38. Runningoutofroubles are hot on the heels of Ben though and by the looks of it the positions of the other managers currently in 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th all look up for grabs.

Inter Thepub did hurdle Coming from behing again and Mark is frantically looking over his shoulder as Barretts the Bollocks, Obafemi & the Femidoms and Flighty Feet are each chasing a top 10 finish and some prize money.

Lower down the non-business end of the table Nobs Jockeys and Little Red Devils changed places. I was going to write that I jumped over Ian, but that would be ridiculous as I'm 6ft 2 and Ian's 4ft 10!

Nipples tuned in

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 39 news
35 points is now the difference between Premiership - here we come and In Tatters. NY Eagles are a further 7 points adrift and it seems between these three as we enter the final two weeks.

Pure Irish are now just a point ahead of Carnarvon Kickers after a slow week. Lower down Wizzi's Wonders move upto 10th.

Nipple Antennae tuned again in week 39 and remain in the prized penultimate position.

Week 38 reminder

Chelsea beat Man U in the big game to keep the title race alive, Ballack scoring twice, the winner in the 86th minute after Rooney had equalised. Birmingham and Liverpool drew 2-2, with Crouch and Benayoun scoring for the Reds.

Fulham went to Man C and hammered a nail in poor Sven's coffin and won 3-2, Kamara scoring twice. Sunderland assured their safety by beating Boro 3-2. Bolton seured a point at White Hart Lane and Reading failed to beat Wigan at the JJB.

The happy Hammers threw away a 2-goal lead at home to Newcastle, Keegan almost smiles, Curbishley would never do such a thing!

And in the UEFA place clash Everton drew 2-2 with Villa. Neville, Yobo, Agbonlahor and Carew the scorers.

Ready and able

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 38
Keith Read, the man, was MoW in week 38, his first prize money of the season. Ready scored 48, 4 more than Hilary Ryan and 5 more than her team mate Chris Wright, who are both giving the final weeks of the season a right go.

Danny Rose scored 42, and peas in a pod Brian Rutter and Paul Long both homed in with 40. Wizzo and Greg scored 38 and Munden and Godders 36.

The worst score in week 38 was by that fuckin cheshire cat looking Barry Paull and far nicer Martin Singleton - both scored 5.

Ben doesn't bring home the bacon.... again!

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 38 news
Another sloppy week from Tally.Wacker.co.uk but again Egg & (Stevie) Bacon fail to take advantage, as don't 2 Infinity & Beyond. Runningoutofroubles did though and are just 5 points behind 3rd. In 5th remain Ajax Treesdown.

Boys on tour had an excellent week and Greg is moving closer to 5th place and 60 quid. Student Uprising move up two places at the expense of Coming from behing again and Get him Big Dave. just a point behind Mark is Inter Thepub.

Below the top 10 there is a bit of a gap but Obafemi & the Femidoms look the most likely.

At the bottom Razor's Tora Tora Torres slip into the prized penultimate place - remember the N&R FL the only competition that rewards shit, although I heard Mitsui's bonus' weren't bad!

Irish cream

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 38 news
The top 3 remain altered with just 3 weeks to go. Premiership - here we come are 31 points clear and if Godders can see it through, it will be he first win in many a year. In Tatters stay 2nd with NY Eagles 3rd.

Meanwhile the lovely Hilary is doing a damn lot better than her namesake here in the US and Pure Irish move into 4th after a very fine week.

AIG's very own Barack Obama, Chris Waterman and his Californication continue their run and move another place higher into 6th usurping Last train to Seaford. Wizzi's wonders also push further on into 13th.

The bottom 12 all remain unchanged.

NY Eagle has landed

I am seeing Barry Paull tonight who it seems has made a very special effort to fly to Chicago just to gloat about fuckin' Palarse getting in the play-off's (for those Chelsea and Man U supporters the league table below the Premier League is normally found tucked deep inside the sports pages).

I am sat here typing this and he has just sent me an email telling me that he is in his hotel and partaken in the first part of the 'three S's' and is now about to get in the shower whilst singing at the top of his voice "Wembley, Wembley...."

I just hope he doesn't cut himself shaving....

My kinda town

I’ve just got back from RIMS in San Diego, which we followed with a 1,000 mile road trip that took us to Palm Springs (desert life for the rich and famous), the Joshua Tree National Park (stunning trees older than anything that surrounds them), Sedona in Arizona (a wild west kind of town known for it’s spirituality and sat amongst the most glorious red rocks), the Grand Canyon (one of the greatest natural wonders of the world), the Hoover Dam (an engineering marvel) and Las Vegas (a marvel of gambling, drinking, eating, boobs and sun).

If you are ever thinking about coming on holiday to the US, then please consider this trip to explore the west. It is an amazing part of the world, and Vegas will certainly fill any shopping or late night desires.

It was a great trip and almost certainly our last break before the move to Bermuda, which before you ask is still date to be determined. At RIMS I had a terrible sense of déjà vu, with everyone that knew me asking when I was moving. Answer, just like it was for those 6 months in London waiting on my visa, was the same: “I don’t bloody know. It depends on the visa.”

The first person I bumped into in San Diego on the Sunday night was James Bird, ex N&R FL manager. James is still at JLT, in case you didn’t know, and it was nice to catch up with him. I also saw Stuart Kilpatrick a couple of times, late of course slumped at a bar, with me next to him!
The weekend before RIMS I had the dubious pleasure of having Paul Kelleher and Lee Day in town, with their other halves. Friday Lee was feeling a bit rough, so fortunately our boy’s lunch was cut short at 5 hours but one of strangest things happened whilst we were at lunch - Brian Rutter’s double showed up (see photo).

We all went out on Saturday night to Gibsons, one of my favourite Chicago restaurants and we ate like kings (see photo of PK), drunk an awful lot of wine and then ended up in the bar. Paul befriended the barman and we mixed it with some cougars (American speak for old Mum’s who were gagging for it) and I eventually fell off my bar stall, so we decided to call it quits.

All this means of course that I am now behind with the N&R at this crucial time with just one league game to go plus the Cup Final, which only includes Pompey. Anyhow I will bring us all up to speed by the weekend, so everyone will be aware of what the deciding Premier League games means to them and if they have a chance to win any prize money, which I have again listed below.

Premiership +

All credit to Chelsea and Avram Grant for talking the title race into the last weekend of the season. The top four is rapidly becoming the top 2. Man U know they have to win at Wigan and then the Premier League is won, anything less, and a win for Chelsea will give the Londoners the title. I would like to see United win it, because they play the game in such style and a Ronaldo goal and a Giggs appearance would keep them on target for a place in the history books.

If however Chelsea did win the title, and then the Champions League, it would be interesting to see how Abramovich deals with such a ‘tardy’ season under the Toad from Toad Hall. Does he still sack him? Move him upstairs? Appoint Dennis Wise as his Director of Football? What?

Everton need just a point at 1 point to claim the UEFA Cup place from Villa but for me all the fun of the fair is at the bottom.

Derby were relegated on August 11th, but Bolton under Megson and Foolham under Hodgson have given themselves a real chance.

Reading have been on a terrible run but all they have to do is show up at Pride Park on Sunday, like everyone else has, and collect their 3 points. I can see Fulham winning at Portsmouth, who have eyes, and bodies on the following week’s FA Cup Final at Wembley.

Birmingham have a dodgy game at home to Blackburn and Bolton are at Chelsea, who of course also need to win. If all four won, then Fulham and Bolton would survive. Whoever loses will probably drop, although Bolton’s goal difference will see them escape.

From a personal point of view, I want Foolham to come down, because they annoy me intensely. Birmingham and Reading will be strong contenders in next season’s Championship, so I’d rather avoid them, so Bolton I would choose as the 3rd team, because financially they will go through the same problems as Charlton.

Prize money reminder

Title Race
Champion - 220 and the famous N&R FL trophy
Runner Up - 150
3rd place - 110
4th place - 85
5th place - 60
6th place - 50
7th place - 30
8th place - 25
9th place - 10
10th place - 10
26th place - 10

The Plate
Winner - 60
2nd place - 40
3rd place - 30
4th place - 25
5th place - 20
6th place - 10
27th place - 10

Others
Best weekly score - 40
Worst weekly score - 40
Premiership week 32 winner - 30 PAUL KELLEHER
Championship week 32 winner - 30 BARRY PLUMMER
40 x Manager of the week - 5 each
Team Challenge winner - Special trophy

*All denominations in GBP

Week 37 reminder

West Ham actually won, oh hang on they beat Derby - doesn't count. Bolton keep scrapping for thei lives as they beat Boro 1-0 at the Riverside. Foolham lost at home to Liverpool, Pennant and Crouch scoring and Tevez got a late goal at to draw at Ewood.

Newcastle beat rivals Sunderland 2-0, and Villa hammered their local rivals to win compete summer bragging rights over City 5-1.

A fine threesome

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 37
Flighty Feet's lovely pair, er Catherine and Karen were top banana's this week, scoring 50 points along with Chris Wright, both winning their first MoW, even the prize has to be shared. Congrats to all three from AIG.

The next best score was Steve Black with 49, and then Wenners with 46. Title challengers Aaron Barden and Barry Plummer were the next best with 43 and 42 respectively, whilst BMS dude Shay scored 41.

40 points was the best the teams contesting The Plate could do, both reached by Paul Long and Paul Hargis and Dewbs hit 40 too.

Thank Godd

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 37 news
Once again The Plate provided most of the action in week 37 with Godders' Premiership - here we come back on top after a 7-day sabatical. NY Eagles, whose franchise owner Barry Paull I am seeing tonight for a pint after work, is still in 3rd just tucked in behind In Tatters. Carnarvon Kickers remain 4th and Pure Irish 5th.

Hargs Hammers gain a place as they look to get in on the action and Chris' Californication also get within grabbing distance of the prizes. Chris incidentially looks like he won't be buying the curries around at AIG this summer for the firs time in a couple of season's, a Mr I France will.

Further down Wizzis Wonders made some futile ground, and the gorgeous Emma and her Wylie Coyotes moved up a spot at the bottom with father to be Tim and his Nipple Antennae's still in the prized penultimate place.

No one takes advantage of Tally's flop

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 37 news
A strange week in the top tier with Tally.Wacker.co.uk slipping up badly but none of the next three managers took advantage. In fact 2nd placed Egg & (Stevie) Bacon scored 3 less points than Tally and the title sure looks like heading to Romford.

2Infinity & beyond and Runningoutofroubles each failed to take advantage scoring 42 and 33 respectively, although they do get into spitting distance of the top two.

Below them in 5th remains Ajax, and in 6th are Boys on tour, hanging in there in Greg's virgin season. Outside of the top 7, Student Uprising climb into a pink spot after a half century of points. Flighty Feet are also chasing down a top 10 finish but the biggest mover was Shay's Obeonekanobenil, up four places.

The bottom 7 remain unaltered with Arsene Knows still in the penultmate place.

My kinda town

I have Paul Kelleher and Lee Day in the Windy City this weekend, and I'll be catching up with them tomorrow. They got here last night and leave Monday. Lee knows the city pretty well, it's the 3rd time he's visited me and he came here as a school kid to play rugby. I also understand he is well known at various chicken joints around the city!

I'm lookin forward to it, although I sprained my ankle last week playing football and am currently hobbling around on crutches - Pk, Lee, beer, crutches - a recipe for disaster I would say....

Week 36 reminder

Man U finished Arsenal's title hopes off with a 2-1 win at OT, this despite a fine performance from the Gunners. Ronaldo did slightly better from the spot than he did against Barcelona. Hargreaves got the winner with a screamer.

Liverpool beat Blackburn (yawn) and Emile Heskey got as last minute equaliser at Stamford Bridge.

Bolton kept up their hopes by beating West Ham 1-0, but don't worry Hammers' fans, you have your 40 points. Villa thrashed Derby 6-0 at No Pride Park. That's 76 goals conceded for The Rams this season - there is no sympathy if you have a Derby player in your team!

Foolham beat Reading to keep Steve Coppell's lot right in the doo-doo. McBride scored, his 3rd of the season.

Wacker racing on

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 36
The Title Race managers showed their quality in week 36 with a dominant performance in the MoW competition. PK picked up the fiver, his fifth of the campaign. His lead now at the summit of the league looks almost unsurmountable.

Johnny Mc is keeping up the pressure though, John hit 62, Baz 57, then Steve Black was up there with 54 and his mate Michael Stout scored a point less to keep up their hopes.

Shay hit 51, Helen 50 and Kennett and Nobs 49. The best Plate manager was Hilary who also mustered 49, two more than next best Martin Lee, his best since February.

AIG-ites Barwick & Higgs scored 48 and their New York correspondent Barry Paull scored 47.

The weeks lowest score was 7, by Megan McLeod.

Uncle Nige

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 36 news
A new leader in the Plate, In Tatters go top after week 36 replacing Premiership he we come. NY Eagles and Carnarvon Kickers remain where they are but Pure Irish are up 3 to 5th dumping Last Train to Seaford out of the top 5.

The rest of the table is pretty static, although Lovejoy and Rooney & Ronaldo's Revenge both improved their places.

Black & Stout chase prize money

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 36 news
Well there was a little doubt creeping in but Tally.Wacker.co.uk stormed further ahead in the Title Race in week 36 after 65 point haul and only 5 weeks left. 2 Infinity & Beyond and Runningoutofroubles both kept up the pressure though and it leaves Egg & (Stevie) Bacon looking over his shoulder.

The No-Hopers gain a place in their superb efforts to grab some prize money - just 35 points from the top 10. And What the hell doing likewise up 3 places. Little Red Devils were also a climber.

At the bottom Nobs Jockeys gained two spots, Tora Tora Torres slip to 24th and Arsene Knows stay in the penultimate place.

Having a Brazilian

I love this - ever wondered what your name would be if you were Brazilian and one of their best footballers?

Click on here: http://www.minimalsworld.net/BrazilName/brazilian.shtml

Thieves again target player's homes

Thieves took advantage of the " Battleof Britain" Champions League match Between Liverpool and Arsenal last week burgle two more footballers homes.

The first unfortunate player was Liverpool skipper Steven Gerrard. The crooks got away with countless items of football memorabilia including many of Gerrard’s own medals. Amongst the items currently being hunted by police are:

2 FA Cup winners medals
A FA Youth Cup winners medal
2 League Cup winners medals
A Champions League winners medal
A Uefa Ccup winners medals
2 Super Cup winners medals
2 Charity Shield winners medals

They also took a number of personal awards including player of the year, young player of the year and his much cherished MBE.

The other unfortunate player to be targeted was Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas. Thieves are thought have escaped with a kettle, a toaster and a pair od cufflinks.

Well done Shots

Really pleased for Aldershot tonight. Back in the early 1970's before my Dad finally buckled into taking me to The Valley, a highlight of a weekend staying with some family friends in Camberley was a trip to their local ground, The Recreation in Aldershot to see my first ever football match.

We sat in a rickety old stand in a ground surrounded by trees as high as the floodlights, which cast shadows over the pitch. I am sure the final score was 2-2, and the opposition was either Southport or Stockport, or was it Chesterfield? Or Workington. Ah, never mind but I remember The Rec well. I've never seen Charlton there, although according to Soccerbase we have lost in all four visits, but I did see another game there in later life.

Not helped by a 19-year old fantasist called Spencer Trethewy, who I remember being on Wogan, Aldershot FC went bust in 1992. Trethewy ended up in prison but is now owner and manager of Chertsey Town! A ground swell of local support from fans and honourable businessmen helped recreate the club as Aldershot Town just a few months later. They dropped 5 divisions and started again.

One of those in the thick of the Shots rebirth was an old work mate of mine called Graham Brookland, who I'm glad to see from their website is still working at the club. I used to love talking to him about football because, well he got it didn't he? And he is still living his dream.

Congratulations to everyone involved with Aldershot tonight. There is a 1,000 of them winding their way back from Exeter, back in the football league after 16 years. Enjoy the Scrumpy!

Week 35 reminder

Arsenal and Liverpool cancelled themselves out of the Premier League title in week 35 after a 1-1 draw. Chelsea kept up their hopes beating Man City 2-0 with goals from Kalou and a o.g. by Dunne. Boro nearly unrailed United's ambitions with 2-2 draw at home to Man U in what was one of the best games of the season.

At the bottom Wigan had a massive win at home to Birmingham, Taylor scoring a brace. Newcastle won again at home to a poor Reading. Viduka, Martins and Lil Mickey Owen getting the goals. Sunderland beat Foolham 3-1 at the Cottage.

Super Plums

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 35
A 3rd MoW for Baz Plummer, 59 points in a reasonably low scoring week, 5 more than Hot Helen and a whole 13 more than Huw Thomas in 3rd.

Next up was Nobby and Stouty this side of the Atlantic both with 44, Pk managed 42 to keep up his title hopes, followed by Ian Kennett with 40.

A host of managers scored 38, which was the best score in The Plate by Paul Long. Shay Reddy and Chris Wright matched him.

Other credit goes to Johnny Mc, Barry Paull, Wizzo, Catherine & Karen and Godders.

Completely discredited was Francey with 2 points, the worst score for 7 weeks and the joint 10th worse of this season.

Plummer's title hopes no toy story!

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 35 news
Barry Plummer is warming up nicely as we approach the business end of the season in the Title Race. 2Infinity & beyond are now 45 points behind Egg & (Stevie) Bacon and 73 behind Tally.Wacker.co.uk, which might just be too much to ask.

Runningoutofroubles slip to 5th and Ajax Treesdown to 6th. Get him Big Dave kept up the pressure and jump to 7th at the expense of Barretts the Bollocks.

Further down Flighty Feet and The No-hopers gained good ground. Helen's Hotties also moved up a couple of places from 22nd to 20th. Arsene Knows stay in the penultimate prize place.

Character reference

I have a mate here (a previous N&R FL manager) who I asked to give me a character reference for my immigration stuff for Bermuda. Fortunately I checked it first before I forwarded it straight on to HR! This is what it said:

"To whom it may concern

I don’t really know Simon, but I know of him through his notoriously violent drug fuelled rampages and all too frequent appearances on local television news.
In his defense I understand that he has brought his pyromania somewhat under control, and has not started a fire in a government building for some six weeks.
His syphilis is no longer contagious, and there is no conclusive DNA evidence linking him to a series of armed robberies in the Chicago area last year.
I would be happy to provide you with the number of his local Police department should you need any further information, and would recommend you do not attempt to approach him.

Yours faithfully,
Nicholas Davies"

Nipples point the way

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 35 news
The top 4 remain unaltered in week 35 as we draw towards the end of the season. NY Eagles made up the most ground, closing in on In Tatters in 2nd. In the prize zone for the first time are Hargs Hammers, clearly having a better end to the season than Curbs.

Lamb to the slaughter jumped a spot as did NotmadeinSheffield and Lovejoy's luvvies.

The big, big news this week was not that Tim Feldbruegge was about to become a Dad, more on that another time, but him and Dennis actually moved off the bottom of the table for the first time since WEEK 3! Double congratulations to Nipple Antennae and perhaps a consolation 20 bucks will help buy some diapers (nappies to you).

Premiership +

Haven't done this for a while. The final straight of the Premiership race, and after Chelsea succumbed to a late Emile Heskey goal it looks like it's Man Yoo by a length. Arsenal were desperately unlucky to leave OT with nowt on Sunday after dominating the game for long periods, particulary the first one. But Ronaldo's 38th goal and a cracker from Hargreaves almost certainly gave the Red Devils the title.

In fact United could win the title at Stamford Bridge like they did last year, didn't they? Put that one in your Ruskie pipe and smoke it (outside of the stadium) Roman!

Arsenal have only a Champions League place to play for - another trophyless season for Arsene and Liverpool could still slip up, especially with all the crap that is going on behind the scenes. Wasn't Liverpool and Anfield once the home to conversative uniformity?

Everton have had another great season under Moyes with a small squad and some injuries but will have to settle for a UEFA cup place and then Portsmouth, Blackburn, Villa and Man C battle it out for the last one with Pompey having two opportunities.

Derby are gone and have to gain another 5 points to beat Sunderland's lowest ever points tally - unfortunately they only have 4 games left not 4 months! To me Bolton and Fulham have gone, although I was impressed with Foolham's win at Reading on Saturday.

Bolton have had that Charlton look ever since Big Sam left and Little Sam was brought in to change their style. Yep, that worked. And Steve Coppell's Reading, who have the worst goal difference other than the Rams are still in danger but I think Wigan, Birmingham and the Andy Reid inspired Sunderland will be ok. Oh come back fat boy.... please.

Week 34 reminder

Just to remind you what happened and where for this scoring week.

10 man Arsenal fought back from 3 goals down at The Reebok to give them their first win in a while, whilst denting Bolton's survival hopes. A JLloyd Samuel o.g. in the last minute put another nail in Gary Megson's coffin. Do you think JLloyd's parents were dyslexic?

Derby and Fulham played out a 2-2 draw, which relegated Derby with 25 games still to go and all but doomed Fulham. Paul Jewell meanwhile was spotted leaving early as he had to get home early to set his camera up.

United won easily at home to Villa, Rooney scoring twice, and Defoe got two more for Pompey in their home win over Wigan. Andy Reid, probably a big reason why the Addicks won't go up this season continued to set the Stadium of Light alight with a last minute winner at home to Wet Spam.

On the Sunday Chelsea bored everyone to sleep with a 1-0 victory over Middlesbrough, Liverpool beat Everton in the 'calm down, calm down' derby and Newcastle came alive slaughtering the Spuds 4-1 at White Hart Lane.

Ben Dover

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 34
Ben Graves won his 3rd MoW title in week 34 sweeping to 65 points and closing the gap on the Title Race leader Paul Kelleher, who scored 17 points less.

Mark Wenman showed his intentions with a masterful 64 points, and Ian Kennett popped up with a 59, three more than the lovely Catherine & Karen.

New top 10 manager Rob Munden got 54 alongside Johnny McGowan and Chris Waterman, who excelled for a second straight week. That is two of his top three weekly scores of the season in 14 days. Chris is now in 8th place in The Plate.

Howard Grace did well with 53, Wizzo (I saw Pete Coleman recently and he asked after you Dave) and Tatters both nobbled 52 and Kirsty and Plums weighed in with a 51.

The lowest score of the week was from Alan Oakley with 10.

Premiership - you're having a laugh!

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 34 news
The top 6 remained unchanged in the plate still led by fantasy stalwart Godders' Premiership here we come, which if he is referring to Charlton, must make him demented! Just 4 points behind are Nige's In Tatters though and NY Eagles are also in close contact.

Hargs Hammers and London Irish swap places outside of the top 6, but any manager all the way down to mid table still has an excellent chance of winning some prize money.

Down at the bottom Nipple Antennae closed to gap to just 6 points on Herr Oakers.

Graves digs in

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 34 news
Despite a small case of cheating this week being put down to drunkeness, Ben Graves had a storming week 34. Egg & (Stevie) Bacon closed the gap on long time leader Tally.Wacker.co.uk to just 15 points. Runningoutofroubles and Ajax Treesdown are almost 60 points behind - is it a two horse race between the two Aon boys?

2 Infinity & Beyond had a good week and closed the gap on 3rd to just 7 points and remember Plummer is been there before. Inter Thepub climbed a slot to 10th, handing off Student Uprising to 11th on route.

Obafemi & the Femidoms jumped 7 places in a very fine week indeed for Wenners. Flighty Feet also gained some ground as did Little Red Devils.

Conversely Arsene Knows' mimicked Arsenal's real life form and slumped 5 places to the penultimate 26th place.

Leaving Chicago

After four and a half years I will be leaving Chicago and moving once again, this time to the island of Bermuda, otherwise known as the Island of Insurance! Immigration has yet to be approved, so there is a still a chance the British Colony turns us down but all being well we will only be in Chicago for another 5 to 7 weeks, sad as that is to think about.

This has been going on for some time, and although I have been to Bermuda a number of times since I came to the States, I spent two hectic days down there in January to discuss the opportunity presented to me by Aon to lead their property team. Then just last week we spent 5 days on the island with a relocation company representative, realtors, human resources, my new boss and new colleagues. It was an exhausting, eye opening affair.

Last summer my big boss in New York suggested that I might like to live and work in San Francisco. I wasn’t keen, nothing to do with the location because San Francisco is beautiful, but it was too far from the UK. I turned the chance down but it got me thinking about my future and evidently it got my company thinking about it too.

I moved to Chicago at the end of 2003 for a number of reasons, although if someone had told me then that I would still be here over 4 years later, then I wouldn't have had any of it.

This has been a very hard decision, I guess I assumed that back to London would be where I would go next - it is where my son is, my mates are, my brother, my football team, and it is 70 miles from my parents. London however was not where the job opportunity was that offered itself in Bermuda. Career wise, financially and excitingly the next chapter of my life and one half of the dream fantasy football management team will be on an island in the Atlantic Ocean 21 miles long and 2 miles wide.

I'm going to miss Chicago, it truly is a great city and one of America's best kept secrets. Give me Chicago over Los Angeles, New York, Miami, San Francisco and Boston any day of the week. I'm going to miss my home, on which I have spent a lot of money upgrading it to the point it is now the end result of the dream I had when I bought a tatty, uncared for large brick loft in what was an old lamp factory 3 years ago but I've decided to keep it as the Windy City will forever be a home for me.

Bermuda was described to me as a bubble last weekend. At times life is not real, dreamlike one minute and nightmarish in another. It certainly is not for everyone, I would never have gone there in 2003 on my own. It is a place for couples and young families or retirees. I know it will take a huge adjustment but as someone said to me recently - a couple of years down there can't be bad for my career, my stress levels and my sun tan.

One thing I am certainly looking forward to is Bermuda's Britishness. It is one of the British Empire’s best preserved legacies. Discovered in 1503 there is history, beauty and culture everywhere and after more than four amazing years living in America, I can’t wait call football football and not bleeding soccer, watch cricket (two days are declared a national holiday in July to watch the two ends of the island play each other), rugby, go to a real pub, drink tea with hot water and milk and a bit of BBC as well thrown in for good measure.

Quite a few of you have come to visit me here in Chicago, and you have all kept in touch for which I thank you. The N&R FL is my little connection to my old life in the London Market and you certainly find out who your friends are when you do something like I did in 2003. I am sure Messrs Down, Paull, Foulger, Long and the tall Croat Davor all agree with me.

I am looking forward to a visit from Paul Kelleher and Lee Day in a couple of weeks, probably my last visitors to My Kinda' Town. I hope you are not shy and some of you get yourselves down to Bermuda too. The warm English beer is on me!

2007/08 Prize Money announced

Drum roll..... Sepp Blatter has given his go ahead to this year's N&R FL prize money pot, although he did insist that the lady manager's wear their shortest skirts at the end of season drinkie-poos (date and venue to be determined).

So here goes:

Play off Winners
Champion - 220 and the famous N&R FL trophy
Runner Up - 150
3rd place - 110
4th place - 85
5th place - 60
6th place - 50
7th place - 30
8th place - 25
9th place - 10
10th place - 10
26th place - 10

Play-off Losers plate
Winner - 60
2nd place - 40
3rd place - 30
4th place - 25
5th place - 20
6th place - 10
27th place - 10

Others
Best weekly score - 40
Worst weekly score - 40
Premiership week 32 winner - 30 PAUL KELLEHER
Championship week 32 winner - 30 BARRY PLUMMER
40 x Manager of the week - 5 each
Team Challenge winner - Special trophy

63 prizes in all. Any prize money is in GBP and will be exchanged into US$ if won by a manager Stateside (as unlikely as that appears!). Any prizes tied will be shared.

Nobby & Ready's decision is final.

Road to Wembley - Play up Pompey

West Bromwich Albion lasted just a round as our Road To Wembley team. However for long periods of their semi-final game against Premiership Portsmouth, the Baggies played the better football and controlled the game with veteran Kevin Phillips, Zoltan Gera and Roman Bednar all causing Portsmouth's defensive pair of Sol Campbell and Sylvain Distin problems.

34-year old Phillips, who has scored goals for fun his whole career found plenty of space dropping deep and tested Pompey early on with a long-range shot just over the bar before a neat lay-off that ended with Zoltan Gera causing problems for a fumbling David James with a low shot.

Portsmouth were all at sea going forward, with Baros wasteful and Kanu barely contributing as Redknapp looking increasingly agitated on the sidelines.

But Pompey came out better second-half goal and 54th minute goal from Pompey's very own veteran KANU was enough to send Portsmouth through to their first FA Cup final in 69 years.
Ex-West Brom striker Kanu side-footed an easy chance to see off the Baggies after Dean Kiely had denied Milan Baros and Zoltan Gera had failed to clear. The replay did show that Baros looked to have handled in the build-up to the goal.

Later Baros missed a simple chance to seal the win and they were almost made to pay but Robert Koren's shot hit the bar and Ishmael Miller fired wide late on.

"You know what these officials are like, they tend to bottle it a little bit in these big games. I'm gutted, I don't think we deserved to lose. We can hold our heads up high, Portsmouth have been very lucky." - Kevin Phillips

West Brom: Kiely, Hoefkens, Albrechtsen, Clement, Robinson, Morrison (Brunt 60), Koren, Gera (Kim 75), Greening, Bednar (Miller 60), Phillips.

Subs Not Used: Danek, Pele.

Attendance: 83,584

Portsmouth will play Welsh sheep shaggers Cardiff in the FA Cup Final on May 17th at Wembley stadium.

Road to Wembley - West Brom Boing Boing

Who would have thought it? West Brom, Barnsley, Cardiff and Pompey in the final four. Fergie's bemoaning the fact that the cup's been devalued because the semi's are at Wembley, sorry I thought he did that when he put out Man U's 3rd XI a couple of years back?

Why not let them have their day in the sun - even the Welsh sheepshaggers (no offence Huw!). Albion look the favourites to me - Pompey without Defoe are up for the taking I reckon. Kevin Phillips, aged 49 has already scored 22 goals this season and I'm lumping money on him and Simon in The National to give me a nice win double this weekend. Oh go on then, throw in Barnsley as well.

Boing, Boing....

What it all means

So we have split the divisions. Sepp Blatter and FIFA are currently deciding on the proposed prize money split. The majority of the wonga will go to the sides in the Title Race but a fair amount of cash will be put aside for what we call The Plate competition.

The best 26 teams will now chase the big money and the coveted trophy, hand engraved by Thai lady boys that Ready knows. There will also be some other prizes for silly things such as best weekly score, worst weekly score, penultimate places, biggest tits, worst underwriter - that kind of thing - Martin Singleton will start favourite for both of the last two prizes.

There are fully 8 weeks left and plenty of points to play - hopefully splitting the league will mean almost every team still has something to play for and cash to be won. The Manager of the week will continue and the final placings will go to decide how teams line up next season.

Any questions call Sondhi Boonyaratkalin and ask for the engraving department.

Week 33 reminder

Darren Bent scored again - I told you lot you should have put him in your teams. This was at home to Pompey. Youngster O'Hara got one too. Bikey scored twice for Reading in their crucial win over Birmingham. Newcastle got their first win under Keegan, 2-0 against Fulham, oh that probably doesn't even count.

Ashton equalised Yakubu's goal at Goodison Park and Michael Chopra got a vital winner at Villa Park.

On Soooper Sunday, Arsenal lost to Chelsea after a magical substitution by Avram Grant. Drogba scoring twice after Arsenal looked home and dry. In Manchester United wiped Liverpool away 3-0 and it now looks like a three-horse race. Who am I kidding - it's only one isn't it?

Kelleher leads title race

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 33 news
200 points separate the top 10 teams in the race to the title. Anyone who finishes in the top 10 will win a cash prize but between 10th and 1st there is a difference of £210.

Tally.Wacker.co.uk leads the way, 32 points ahead of Egg & (Stevie) Bacon. Ajax Treesdown and Runningoutofroubles make up the top 4, but they are now joined in 5th by ex-champion and serious contender 2 Infinity & Beyond.

Boys on tour are nicely placed in 6th with Barretts the Bollocks in 6th, all coming up from the Championship. Coming from behing again are 7th but again the 2nd tier provide us with two more teams Get him Big Dave and Student Uprising.

Outside of the top 10 there are 4 teams led by Inter Thepub all chasing the leading pack and hoping to get their hands on some prize money.

At the bottom are Megan & Hannah's Bears, 18 points behind Nobs Jockeys, currently occupying the penultimate prized place. Hannoi Utd sit above Nobby.

Pete's sake

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 33 news
So the final phase of the season kicked off with 27 managers contesting the plate and £195 of prize money. Old fantasy stalwart Pete Godfrey's Premiership - here we come (I don't think so Godders!) lead after week 33 scores, just 14 points ahead of In Tatters. Next come NY Eagles, who along with Nigel and Pete must be favourites.

It's nice to see some new faces up amongst the top teams. Howard Grace's Carnarvon Kickers and Last train to Seaford are not far behind, then Rochdale at Lloyds followed by a good outside bets, London Irish and Hargs Hammers.

Less than 100 points separates another experienced fantasy manager Chris Waterman and his and Californication. Lamb to the slaughter and another previous champion Red Bull Ginger follow them.

In the prized penultimate place currently is Herr Oakers nicely sandwiched between Nipple Antennae and Nancy Lollygaggers.

A+ for Aaron

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 33
Aaron Barden swooped his 3rd MoW award in week 33 with 84 points. Another fiver in his coffers then. The next best score was by the forgooten Croatian Davor Duvancic, with 79 - his best of the season and. Mark Dewberry equalled that total. Ready got 78, Sweaty 77, Godders and James Down 72 and Razor 71.

Other mentions must go to Nobby, Mark Simmons and Glenn Francis.

Best weekly score - top 10

It's been a while, so lets see whose winning - remember there is a prize for the best weekly score:

1. Paul Kelleher, week 22, 112 points
2. Michael Stout, week 22, 100 points
3. Mark Simmons, week 22, 99 points
4. John McGowan, week 26, 98 points
5= Danny Rose, week 26, 97 points
5= Rob Munden, week 26, 97 points
7. Simon Newport, week 26, 96 points
8. Barry Plummer, week 21, 95 points
9= Helen Peters, week 22, 94 points
9= Soozie Syrett, week 26, 94 points