My kinda town

I thought today would be a perfect day to begin my leaving celebrations. This afternoon I will be in the pub to watch the friendly between England and USA and hopefully will be joined by various worky people I have got to know until I crawl home sometime tonight.

My American visa when I came here from London in 2003 took so long, that I actually ended up repeating all of my leaving parties! I don't think that will be the case here, as I do seem on plan to leave for Bermuda during June.

Following our absence from the Euro's, today's game bears no significence whatsoever except some good hearted banter, although in the name of pride and face-saving I hope England repeat the easy victory I witnessed in Chicago 3 years ago.

Meanwhile David Beckham warmed up for the match by scoring a 70-yarder for Los Angeles Galaxy on Saturday. Click here to see it and the US squad also includes local boys Jonathan Spector and Jay DeMerit.

Team Challenge - BMS snatch title

In what was a quite dramatic title run in, Wenners and Shay from BMS took the famous trophy beating off their nearest rivals from across the pond Allianz by just 9 points. Allianz looking to become the first winners of the N&R Team Challenge Trophy just fell short and the title remains in brokers hands again for the 5th time in 6th years. Congratulations to BMS and we look forward to handing you the trophy.

In 3rd place came last season's winners Layton Blackham, who put up a great fight led by Huw. RSA suffered a dramatic loss of form to slump to 4th, half of this team is situated in London, the other half Miami.

In 5th were the the Aspen boys with Plummer out in front, but it wasn't quite good enough. 6th were past winners AIG and they can all blame Francey. Next was the Ex-Pats, who made a terrific run in the final weeks - Nobby, Barry and Paull all finishing well. In 8th came the Japanese and the Carribbean arm of Lloyds of London with Neil and Razor both having middling seasons.

9th was Willis, who managed to get out of the bottom three, 10th came Lockton, who slumped from 2nd at one point. Then 2nd from last was the huge Aon Re team. I mean they couldn't ask much more from PK, Graves and McGowan - the best 3 managers in the league but they were let down by others.

And finally bottom of the heap was my fellow Yankies for the time being ARS USA. Littig lead the way with the 45th highest score!

Rant over

A couple of interesting graphs posted on the BBC website today that tells a dramatic story to the reason why we had three of the four semi-finalists in the Champions League, yet we didn't qualify for the European Championships in Switzerland and Austria.

Only 170 of the 498 players who started matches in the top flight in 2007-08 were English - just 34.1% of the total. However it can be pointed out that these generally tend to be the best players in the world. This cannot be said for teams playing foreigners lower down the leagues.Credit to the Hammers for having the most Englishman. Curbs has always been known for his witty dry sense of humour and playing teams predominately of Brits. Kudos to Martin O'Neill too. At the other end of the spectrum, it is no surprise to see Arsenal and Liverpool rock bottom, but it is Blackburn. Fulham have half of the American 'roster' in their team of course.

The other numbers that are worrying, and I don't have a graph, are that of the teams academies, now in nearly every case dotted with young talent from overseas. This is where the world cup winners of tomorrow should be coming from, but all clubs are doing is helping groom Nigeria, Spain and France's national teams. I don't see Barcelona, Milan and Lyon's youth team being stuffed full off Bristish youngsters.

A look at the managers - part 1

Let us start with last season's Champion Ryan Saveall. I bemoaned the low scoring before Christmas, but a remarkable improvement in the second half of this campaign would have meant that Ryan would only have finished 9th with the same score this season! As it was Ryan 4th at one point never built on his excellent start to this season - he obviously had both hands full with Soozie's charms - and after qualifying quite easily for the Title run in, he just flopped into a disappointing 21st place. But he won't be the last N&R manager to suffer that 2nd season syndrome.

Ready, another ex-champ and last years runner up will also be disappointed. Keith also had a fairly good start and hovered around the top 15 for the majority of the season. But after qualification for the Title Race, he ran out of gas and ended up 24th. The sexy Barwick & Higgs played with my emotions this season. They were top 8 up until week 28 of Div 1, and reached the summit for 3 weeks in October. However the ladies normally spot on in the transfer market may have got it wrong a couple time this season, and at the play-off stage started down in 15th. They did come strong though and thought they would challenge the leaders, they did to 10th in week but they came up short.

NY Eagle Barry Paull is always a candidate for honours, but this time he had, for Barry, a very poor 1st half of the season. He got dumped unceremoniously into the Plate but came out of it well and ended up collecting the runners up prize behind his old mate Godders. Pete after his title winning days back in the 90's has found the N&R FL a real tough nut to crack in recent years, particularly now he has to work for a living! Last year he had the embarrassment of finishing last in the Premiership, this time he was dropped into the Plate, but came up smelling of roses by winning it and it's good to see Godders name on a prize once again.

Mark Dewberry has had a couple of good N&R years, especially last season finishing 5th. This time he was up there challenging until Christmas, but then rolled down like Mrs Christmas' stockings. He ended up in the Title Race but struggled to make any inroads and ended up 22nd. Kirstie, the bird with those lips you wanna see suck on a plum, had a poor season. An okay start, well she at least picked players from the right list, but then after September it was a struggle. In the Plate she never got going and finished sucking air in 17th.

Do we have a new consistent N&R manager? Johnny McGowan 7th last year and 3rd this. Great achievement from the lifelong Blues fan (no Johnny come lately here) and only 3 weeks outside of the prize positions - well done John. Razor Nathan had a cracking first season last year and at times in this he looked like he could repeat it. Unfortunately he came unstuck at the change-over missing out of relegation and giving the Plate a crack, but too far behind the challengers to give the Title a go. There were a few mangers that the play-off's were rather unfair for (in fact Ready and Nobby were two of them) and Razor sure told me so in an email. Sorry mate but come back next season.

Mark Simmons kept up his magnificent record of always collecting some prize money. This time it came in the final week grabbing last place, by using his final transfers to good effect. Well deserved though as Mark spent the majority of the season challenging for the title.

Wenners once finished runners up (04-05) but has not since reached those dizzy heights. He did give it a good go this time though, and led the table in the very early weeks but ended just a bit short and finished 11th. Stable mate Shay Reddy won prize money in his first year last time out, it wasn't as fruitful this season. He did make the Title race but came away empty handed. Oakers, oh Oakers. After a couple of much improved seasons, due to German efficiencies, Al (another non-plastic Blue by the way) was back to his old ways this season and took the unwanted tag of the worst manager in 2007-08 out of all 55!

Tatters had again satisfy himself with the 2nd tier, last year he came 4th and therefore got promoted, only for him to get slung out again before redeeming himself once again by this time finishing 4th. Soozie has found a new bloke but it appeared to distract her this season finishing 18th, her worst placing since the 1998-99 season! Sooz - dump him.

Francey is another fantasy old timer and last season actually made a small profit on the his excursions. However it was back to normal for Ian this time, winning nowt and being faced with buying the annual AIG ruby murray. Glenda Francis started with such promise, but has slowly become more useless as the years move on. His fantasy football is much the same.

Ian Kennett, the Newcastle United of the N&R FL. Well supported, big capacity, sleeping midget but never won a thing. Nothing changed this season, although Ian won't mind as the Folkestone Red is still sobering up after last week's events. John Littig ploughs his trade in Philadephia now. Great movie, great cheese steak, fucking terrible fantasy football managers. John dropped to the Plate, and well that was it.

Part 2 to follow.

Crying shame

I walked from the pub yesterday afternoon to another pub chuckling my arse off at John Terry. I mean if it wasn't for that bitch slap that Drogba had done on Vidic, then I'm assuming that JT would not have taken that 5th penalty. I hope poor old Didlier got a good slapping himself in the dressing room, I mean if you're going to get sent-off in a big game, then do it properly a la Zidane, eh?

The game did keep my interest though, I'm not a Champions League watcher because, well I'm a Charlton fan, so for the same reason's I don't watch what the weather's doing in Australia, I have little interest in the Champions League. But it had all the thrills and spills that I'd hoped for. United and Ronaldo were awesome as my American Manchester Devil fans call them, in the first half. Lampard got a lucky goal and then 2nd half Chelsea really should have won it.

But penalties are made for heroes and villians (and 10 years on, don't we just know it?) and Ronaldo after a season when he could do no wrong, was bloody odds on, in my book, to miss but Terry saved his bacon, even though Big Brave JT fell over, his was still a better kick thant Ronaldo's.

Le Sulk, who doesn't give a flying who he plays for, then strolled up, and that was it. Cue Sir Bobby and some strange looks from the people around me in the pub. "Who the fucks that?" said one, and that was the young lad I befriended in the queue (yes there was a queue to get in the pub much to the amazement of passers by) before the game, who was from that hotbed of United support, Hampshire.

Anyway at least a proper Champion won and I was pleased for Giggsy, what football fan wouldn't be? But as Ronaldo cried joys of relief, Terry blubbed like a baby, and for those who have witnessed him parking in disabled bays, pissing on the floor of nightclubs, attacking innocent bystanders, haranguing referees or spitting at Carlos Tevez, well they just grinned.

Tears at bedtime

I walked from the pub yesterday afternoon to another pub chuckling my arse off at John Terry. I mean if it wasn't for that bitch slap that Drogba had done on Vidic, then I'm assuming that JT would not have taken that 5th penalty. I hope poor old Didlier got a good kicking in the dressing room - if you're going to get sent off in a big game, then do it properly a la Zidane, eh?

The game kept my interest, I'm not a Champions League watcher because frankly I'm a Charlton fan, so it's a bit like not watching what the weather's going to be like in Australia. But it had all the thrills and spills that I'd hoped for. United and Ronaldo were awesome as my American Manchester Devil fans call them, in the first half. Lampard got a lucky goal and then 2nd half Chelsea really should have won it.

But penalties are made for heroes and villians (Charlton beat Sunderland at Wembley on them 10 years ago this weekend Pete) and Ronaldo after a season when he could do no wrong, was bloody odds on, in my book, to miss but Terry saved his bacon, even though Big Brave JT fell over and beat Van der Saar except for a post. It was actually a much better penalty than Ronaldos.

Le Sulk, who doesn't give a flying who he plays for, then strolled up, and that was it. Cue Sir Bobby and some strange looks from the people around me in the pub. "Who the fucks that?" they said, and that was the young lad I befriended in the queue (yes there was a queue to get in the pub much to the amazement of passers by) before the game, who was from that hotbed of United support, Hampshire's New Forest. Here on an intership.

Anyway I was pleased for Giggsy though, what football fan wouldn't be. And as Ronaldo cried joys of relief, Terry blubbed like a baby, well at least he cares.

Mr Chelsea

Who do you want to win the Euro Championships

Ok, so no England, no Scotland, no Irish and of course no Sheep Shaggers. So, who do you want to win? Are you even going to watch it? Or are you in fact looking forward to watching games without any nerves completely unbiased.

Here is the current list of favourites:

Germany 4/1
Spain 6/1
Italy 7/1
Portugal 7/1
France 8/1
Holland 10/1
Croatia 12/1
Czech Rep 16/1
Switzerland 20/1
Russia 25/1
Sweden 25/1
Greece 25/1
Turkey 33/1
Poland 40/1
Romania 50/1
Austria 66/1

BUT, if you can't decide then this will help you. Go on click on the link:
http://www.the-onion-bag.com/euro2008/whotosupport.php

Who you got?

An even better Euro Champs guide

Who do you FANCY to win the European Championships??

This is great - the girls might not appreciate it, but if one of you lasses has a go, then please share your findings:

Click on the link:
http://www.the-onion-bag.com/euro2008/100yards.php

Who was your top 3?

Toilet humour

What do they say about what goes around comes around? Well poor Glen Johnson had his FA Cup winners medal stolen yesterday after he left it in a hotel. Perhaps he should call his old mate Ben May because he may have it stuffed down his sofa?

"When I got back to the hotel and checked to look at my winner's medal, it was gone. I'm so disappointed. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed someone's going to give it back." (more)

Back at the beginning of last year the brainless Johnson and Scunthorpe's May, then at Millwall were caught red handed trying to steal a toilet seat and a set of taps from B&Q in Dartford.

Maybe if Johnson had stolen a bath tap he could of hung that around his neck instead of his medal. Dick.

If You - Ian Kennett

Ian on how he would love to play with his breasts all day, help Ready out in the pant area, his starring role in Star Wars and on the fact that he is not bitter about the Independent collapse at all.

If You
Name: Ian Kennett
Nickname: Conehead (my old school mates coined this and I am at a loss to explain)
I Support: My wife and, two children
Birthplace: A man of Kent I was born in St Helena Military Hospital, Shorncliffe (Folkestone)

1) If you weren’t in insurance, what would you do for a living?
An out of work actor

2) If you could be someone else for the day, who would you be?
If I could name the time and date as well it would have to be Martin Johnson on November 22nd 2003 (for the non egg chasers and Yanks out there that was the day England won the rugby world cup)

3) If you could be a fly on the wall anywhere, where would it be?
Porn film set or the Playboy mansion

4) If you could have those x-ray eyes that could see through clothing, who would you look at first?
Certainly not anyone in our office

5) If you could be any footballer past or present, who would it be?
Very easy ….George Best

6) If you could change the team you support, who would you change it to?
Not a chance – is this one of those crappy catch questions where you try and doubt the sincerity of someone’s support ? (Yes - Nobby)

7) If you worked at airport security, who would you like to search knowing that you can be as obnoxious as you like?
In no particular order:
Michael Bright
Phil Condon
Although I suspect they are not allowed to travel at present....
Arsene Wenger
The South African Rugby world cup winning side and all of their supporters
The Australian cricket team

8) If you were the Prime Minister or President, what would be the first thing you did?
Make St Georges Day a national holiday

9) If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you bought?
Marsh (sorry wrong questionnaire)
A pint (and one for you) to celebrate

10) If you could invent anything, what would it be?
Rub in hair restorer that worked in an hour
Genuine penis enlarger (for Ready)
The never ending pint

11) If you could have starred in a movie, which one would it be?
Debbie does Dallas or Star Wars (R2D2? - Nobby)

12) If you could have been at any football game, which one would it have been?
European Cup Final 1968

13) If you could make one of your dreams real, which one would it be?
Please refer to question 10 or the one with me Angelina Jolie, Penelope Cruz , Mylene Klass and the industrial size barrel of baby oil and selection of root vegetables

14) If you could live the life of any person in history, who would it be?
I’d probably have to go back to George (Best) – not a long life but what a life!

15) If you were born again, would you want to come back as the opposite sex?
Tough one – whilst the opportunity to play with my own breasts all day might sound enticing I’d have to say no – after all I’d be a Lesbian and all men are bastards!

Road to Wembley - King Kanu

I quite enjoyed the FA Cup final, despite Pompey being so negative in the 2nd half, but credit to Cardiff for never giving up the ghost. I was in a half-full pub and it was unusual not to hear one American accent, just English voices with the occasional Welsh one mixed in. It will be a lot different I am sure on Wednesday when the Manchester Devils play the Chelsea Ruskies.

Cardiff started the game at real pace and continued it for large chunks of the game. Pompey's passing and movement, allowed them to sit back and soak up Cardiff pressure. The first chance came to Paul Parry after Joe Ledley played him in but 'keeper David James made a crucial block to deny Cardiff the lead.

Kanu almost scored in the 21st minute after a sublimely controlling a pass from Sulley Muntari, dancing around Enckelman, only to send his effort against the outside of the post with the goal unguarded.

He made no mistake eight minutes before the interval when Enckelman, aho had looked dodgy all half, could only push out Utaka's whipped cross from the right flank and KANU pounced to score.

Cardiff had more than held their own and almost provided an instant response when Parry raced clear down the left, but his cross stretched Kevin McNaughton as he arrived at the far post and the chance was gone.

And Bluebirds had a goal ruled out in first-half injury time when Pompey keeper James - who has form for high-profile mistakes in FA Cup finals - missed a corner, but Loovens handled before sending a looping finish into the net.

In the 2nd half Cardiff took the game to Portsmouth, who sat back and rarely threatened. Pompey resorted to niggly fouls to upset Cardiff's tempo. Dave Jones threw on 17-year old Aaron Ramsey, and later substituted fat boy Jelly Floyd Hasselbaink, who was as pants as he was for Charlton the whole of last season.

Pompey sub Nugent, got his fat arse of the bench and nearly scored from a tight angle, and as the Welshman desperately pushed forward Distin almost punished them with a run from the half-way line that was only halted by a fine tackle from Roger Johnson.

But it was our boys Pompey's day as for once the favourites justified their tag in this season's unpredictable FA Cup. To their credit, many Cardiff supporters stayed inside the stadium to see Pompey lift the Cup before they left to weigh up their sheep shagging options later that evening.

Portsmouth: James, Johnson, Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson, Utaka (Nugent 69), Pedro Mendes (Diop 78), Diarra, Muntari, Kranjcar, Kanu (Baros 87).
Subs Not Used: Ashdown, Pamarot.
Attendance: 89,874 (at Wembley)

Almost there

Just one more game then, and only Portsmouth players will earn points this Saturday in the FA Cup final. Unfortunately if you have Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink in your team or Robbie Fowler, you probably picked your team from an old list. Kirsty? You have Jimmy Floyd?

In the next week or so I will knock out this season's final table, the newsletter, the prize winners, a look at each manager and any other weird and funny stuff I can think off.

I am still waiting on my move to Bermuda and am waiting for a date. If my contact details change I will of course let you know. A summer end of season drinkie poos is planned and Ready and I will advise the date.

Meanwhile a few dates for your diary:

Wed 21st May - Champions League Final
Man Utd v Chelsea (Moscow)

Thursday 22nd May - final SPL games
Aberdeen v Rangers (Pittodrie)
Dundee Utd v Celtic (Tannadice Park)

Saturday 24th May - Championship play off final
Bristol City v Hull City (Wembley)

Saturday 24th May - Scottish Cup final
Queen of the South v Rangers (Hampden)

Sunday 25th May - League One play off final
Leeds Utd v Southend or Doncaster (Wembley)

Monday 26th May - League Two play off final
Rochdale or Darlington v Stockport or Wycombe (Wembley)

Wed 28th May - Friendly International
England v USA (Wembley)

Saturday 7th June - Euro 2008 start (Austria and Switzerland)

Week 40 reminder

Well you can't have forgotten already? Man U beat Wigan with a Ronaldo penalty and a goal for the great Giggs. Strike One for United. Chelsea were pegged back by safe Bolton 1-1, not that it mattered.

At the bottom that twat Danny Murphy headed Foolham to safety (drat, I hate Fulham), Pompey lost their 4th game on the trot and Reading despite beating Derby 4-0 (89 conceded for the season for the Rams) join Birmingham, who also won 4-1 at home to Blackburn in dropping out of the Prem.

Middlesbrough sent Sven off on an embarrassing note beating Citeh 8-1. Alves got a hattrick. Walcott got the Gunners winner at Sunderland and Liverpool beat Spurs with Torres 24th league goal.

Top Premier League scorers:
Ronaldo Man Utd 31
Adebayor Arsenal 24
Torres Liverpool 24
Santa Cruz Blackburn 19
Berbatov Tottenham 15
Keane Tottenham 15
Benjani Man City 15
Yakubu Everton 15
Tevez Man Utd 14
Carew Aston Villa 13
Defoe Portsmouth 12
Rooney Man Utd 12

The Bard

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 40

Aaron Barden won his hatrick of MoW's in week 40 scoring a massive 79 points, 17 points more than his nearest rival, who was straggler Richard Nathan.

To emphasise how good Aaron's score was the 3rd best was 55 points, 24 less than his 79. Dewbs owned the 55, Ben Graves scored 54, James Down 53, Nobby and Stouty 52, last season's champ Ryan Saveall with 50 and Barry Paull scored 48.

Other mentions in dispatches go out to Chris Wright, Paul Kelleher, Mark Wenman and Neil Cryer.

Week 40's worst score? Rutts with 6.

Johnny, Plums & Barden fight for prize money

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 40 news
Egg & (Stevie) Bacon made some ground up on Tally.Wacker.co.uk but with just one game to play the title is heading to Romford. Runningoutofroubles are 2 points ahead of 2Infinity & beyond, who in turn are 2 points ahead of MoW Ajax Treesdown. Its very tight between these 3 with 50 quid additional prize money up for grabs.

There is a gap to 6th with Student Uprising climbing a place above Boys on tour, who will be hoping to stay in the top 8 after a fine first N&R FL season. In 8th remains Get him big Dave but right on his tail is Inter Thepub and Premiership - here we come.

Barretts the bollocks, Obafemi & the Femidoms, Flighty Feet and the No Hopers look like they might miss out.

At the bottom Arsene Knows after a poor week own the Title Race penultimate spot snatching it from Tora Tora Torres, who had a great week. It is all about timing!

Eagles trying to land on top

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 40 news
A cracking, if sad week for Barry's NY Eagles as they moved within 30 points of leaders Premiership - here we come (although not in either SE6 or SE25 I'm afraid). It's a huge gain for Barry with just the Cup Final to play.

In Tatters slip to 3rd, and Carnarvon move back into 4th above Pure Irish. To add to the mix Lee's Last train to Seaford jumps into 5th, a point above fellow Hammers, Hargs. Rochdale at Lloyds are just a point behind Paul and Californication are also still in with a big shout of burtsing into the prize positions.

Space Badgers and Wizzi's wonders have a very outside chance.

Nipple Antennae look set to sweep The Plate penultimate place award.

Road to Wembley - Pompey unusual facts

Play up Pompey, our team for Saturday's final. Here are some things about Harry Redknapp's team you may not have known:

1) Fratton Park is one of the most atmospheric stadiums in the Premier League. It has slowly undergone some redevelopment but still looks a bit past it. That's probably because Pompey have played there since 1888!

2) They hope to move to a new ground in 2011

3) Pompey almost went bankrupt in 1999 and to save money, the cash-strapped club cancelled their weekly order of new jockstraps, a move which would save £112. Administrator Tom Burton ordered the club to wash them instead of buying new ones.

4) The origins of the 'Pompey Chimes' lies with the Royal Artillery, Portsmouth's most popular and successful football team for much of the 1890s, who played many of their home games at the United Services ground in Burnaby Road. The nearby Guildhall clock would strike the quarter hours and the referees would use the clock to let them know when the match should finish at 4pm. Just before 4pm the crowd would lilt in unison with the chimes of the hour to encourage the referee to blow the whistle signifying full time.

5) Portsmouth have won the FA Cup before. In 1939 they beat Wolves 4-1. During the 2nd World War, the competition was suspended, so Pompey retained the cup until 1946.

6) Portsmouth badge (above) dates back for 800 years. The coat of arms was given to the city in 1194 by King Richard I.

7) San Diego has a fully fledged Pompey supporters club with over 100 members.

8) Goalkeeper Alan Knight holds the record for the most appearances for one club by a goalkeeper. He played 801 games Portsmouth between 1978 and 2000. This beat easily Peter Bonetti's previous record of 600 goalkeeping appearances for Chelsea.

9) After Harry Redknapp left in November 2004 to take over at bitter rivals Southampton, 3 different managers (Velimir Zajec, Alain Perrin and Joe Jordan) took the helm before Redknapp rejoined just 13 months later.

10) If you have been to Fratton Park, you cannot help to get bloody annoyed by a bell that is rung by a fan all game long. The man responsible is John "Portsmouth Football Club" Westwood. That's not a nickname, he actually changed his name to Portsmouth Football Club and I've actually had a beer with him in a pub before a Pompey v Charlton game, and he is a fookin nutter!

If You - Peter Godfrey

Godders tells us about his hopes for no targets, redundancy and caring politicans.

If You
Name: Peter Godfrey
Nickname: Godders or Mr Kipling (If anyone’s seen my golf swing, they’ll know why)
I Support: Heart – Man Utd. Financially – Charlton, although undecided as yet about next season (glory boy - Nobby)
Birthplace: Eriffff, Kent (just south of Manchester - Nobby)

1) If you weren’t in insurance, what would you do for a living?
Professional drinker

2) If you could be someone else for the day, who would you be?
The Queen

3) If you could be a fly on the wall anywhere, where would it be?
Bin Laden’s cave

4) If you could have those x-ray eyes that could see through clothing, who would you look at first?
Cameron Diaz

5) If you could be any footballer past or present, who would it be?
George Best

6) If you could change the team you support, who would you change it to?
Why change now after 40 years?

7) If you worked at airport security, who would you like to search knowing that you can be as obnoxious as you like?
Tony Blair

8) If you were the Prime Minister or President, what would be the first thing you did?
Ban specific sub- targets in any work objectives, thus allowing people to actually do what they should be doing. I.E. Private sector making as much profit for their company as possible. Public sector doing what it says on the tin – teachers teaching, police policing, doctors doctoring, nurses nursing etc. It’s terrifying to think how much time and effort is wasted in trying to reach irrelevant targets, rather than actually doing what should be done.

9) If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you bought?
A one-way ticket to Thailand

10) If you could invent anything, what would it be?
A politician who didn’t lie and actually had their constituent’s interest at heart, not their own

11) If you could have starred in a movie, which one would it be?
Dr No – opposite Ursula Undress

12) If you could have been at any football game, which one would it have been?
1957 CAFC v Huddersfield. 10-man Charlton win 7-6 having lost Ufton at 0-0 and been 4-1 down

13) If you could make one of your dreams real, which one would it be?
Redundancy tomorrow

14) If you could live the life of any person in history, who would it be?
George Best

15) If you were born again, would you want to come back as the opposite sex?
Pass

Ryan Giggs - a legend

Ryan Giggs, probably one of the best ever players I have watched in the flesh matched Bobby Charlton's 758 games appearance record for Man U the day he helped the team he has played for since 1991, win the Premier League title at Wigan on Sunday.

A Picture history can be found here

Road to Wembley - what happened

Play up Pompey, our 10th club that we have followed through the 15 rounds of this season’s greatest cup competition in the world. Back in August we began with Cadbury Athletic, purely because I liked the creme eggs.

Round by Round this is what happened:

Extra Preliminary Round - Cadbury 1-1 Alvechurch. Att: 68
Extra Preliminary Round Replay - Alvechurch 6-0 Cadbury. Att: 89
Preliminary Round - Bolehall Swifts 1-3 Alvechurch. Att: 86
1st Qualifying Round - Quorn 5-0 Alvechurch. Att: A nut cutlet and two carrots
2nd Qualifying Round - Quorn 1-4 Evesham Utd. Att: 109
3rd Qualifying Round - Halesown 0-3 Evesham Utd. Att: 332
4th Qualifying Round - Evesham 0-0 Halifax Town. Att: 652
4th Qualifying Round Replay - Halifax Town 2-1 Evesham Utd. Att: 1,025
1st Round proper - Halifax Town 0-4 Burton Albion. Att: 1,936
2nd Round - Burton Albion 1-1 Barnet. Att: 2,769
2nd Round Replay - Barnet 1-0 Burton Albion. Att: 1,379
3rd Round - Swindon 1-1 Barnet. Att: 5,944
3rd Round Replay - Barnet 1-1 Swindon (AET, Barnet won on pens). Att: 2,810
4th Round - Barnet 0-1 Bristol Rovers. Att: 5,190
5th Round - Bristol Rovers 1-0 Southampton. Att: 11,920
6th Round - Bristol Rovers 1-5 West Brom. Att: 12,011
Semi Final - West Brom 0-1 Portsmouth. Att: 83,584 (at Wembley)
Final - Portsmouth v Cardiff City (at Wembley Saturday)

More on Portsmouth soon.

Week 39 reminder

Wigan won at Villa to secure their Premier League status - well done to Paul Jewell and we look forward to the next video installment. Bolton almost did likewise beating Sunderland at home with an o.g. and one from ace gobber Diouf.

Fulham had a massive win over the Blues at the Cottage in front of 4,000 neutrals. McBride and Nevland scoring. West Ham threw in the towel but defended a 4-1 defeat superbly at OT. Robbie Keane did a cartwheel at the Majedski on a bad day for Reading.

Arsenal and Liverpool both won 1-0, goals from Bendtner and Torres whilst Chelsea made sure the title race would go to the wire by winning at St James. Ballack getting his 9th goal of the season.

Wright on

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 39
Chris Wright deservedly won his first prize money of the season in week 38. A fiver for MoW is a great effort for the player that has been challenging all season and can still secure a top 10 finish in the Title Race. 56 points did for Chris, 5 more than Tim Feldbruegge, who suddenly is knocking the points in.

Next up was James Down and Dave Wisdom, who despite being separated by an ocean still work superbly as a team. Wenners and Foulger both scored 49 and almost forgotten Davor notched a credible 45.

Week 39's lowest score was 7 scored by Alex Boswell.

Dom, Wenners & Flighty all chase top 10 spot

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 39 news
Only a minor miracle will prevent Paul's Tally.Wacker.co.uk winning their first N&R FL title even though Egg & (Stevie) Bacon did close the gap in week 38. Runningoutofroubles are hot on the heels of Ben though and by the looks of it the positions of the other managers currently in 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th all look up for grabs.

Inter Thepub did hurdle Coming from behing again and Mark is frantically looking over his shoulder as Barretts the Bollocks, Obafemi & the Femidoms and Flighty Feet are each chasing a top 10 finish and some prize money.

Lower down the non-business end of the table Nobs Jockeys and Little Red Devils changed places. I was going to write that I jumped over Ian, but that would be ridiculous as I'm 6ft 2 and Ian's 4ft 10!

Nipples tuned in

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 39 news
35 points is now the difference between Premiership - here we come and In Tatters. NY Eagles are a further 7 points adrift and it seems between these three as we enter the final two weeks.

Pure Irish are now just a point ahead of Carnarvon Kickers after a slow week. Lower down Wizzi's Wonders move upto 10th.

Nipple Antennae tuned again in week 39 and remain in the prized penultimate position.

Week 38 reminder

Chelsea beat Man U in the big game to keep the title race alive, Ballack scoring twice, the winner in the 86th minute after Rooney had equalised. Birmingham and Liverpool drew 2-2, with Crouch and Benayoun scoring for the Reds.

Fulham went to Man C and hammered a nail in poor Sven's coffin and won 3-2, Kamara scoring twice. Sunderland assured their safety by beating Boro 3-2. Bolton seured a point at White Hart Lane and Reading failed to beat Wigan at the JJB.

The happy Hammers threw away a 2-goal lead at home to Newcastle, Keegan almost smiles, Curbishley would never do such a thing!

And in the UEFA place clash Everton drew 2-2 with Villa. Neville, Yobo, Agbonlahor and Carew the scorers.

Ready and able

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 38
Keith Read, the man, was MoW in week 38, his first prize money of the season. Ready scored 48, 4 more than Hilary Ryan and 5 more than her team mate Chris Wright, who are both giving the final weeks of the season a right go.

Danny Rose scored 42, and peas in a pod Brian Rutter and Paul Long both homed in with 40. Wizzo and Greg scored 38 and Munden and Godders 36.

The worst score in week 38 was by that fuckin cheshire cat looking Barry Paull and far nicer Martin Singleton - both scored 5.

Ben doesn't bring home the bacon.... again!

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 38 news
Another sloppy week from Tally.Wacker.co.uk but again Egg & (Stevie) Bacon fail to take advantage, as don't 2 Infinity & Beyond. Runningoutofroubles did though and are just 5 points behind 3rd. In 5th remain Ajax Treesdown.

Boys on tour had an excellent week and Greg is moving closer to 5th place and 60 quid. Student Uprising move up two places at the expense of Coming from behing again and Get him Big Dave. just a point behind Mark is Inter Thepub.

Below the top 10 there is a bit of a gap but Obafemi & the Femidoms look the most likely.

At the bottom Razor's Tora Tora Torres slip into the prized penultimate place - remember the N&R FL the only competition that rewards shit, although I heard Mitsui's bonus' weren't bad!

Irish cream

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 38 news
The top 3 remain altered with just 3 weeks to go. Premiership - here we come are 31 points clear and if Godders can see it through, it will be he first win in many a year. In Tatters stay 2nd with NY Eagles 3rd.

Meanwhile the lovely Hilary is doing a damn lot better than her namesake here in the US and Pure Irish move into 4th after a very fine week.

AIG's very own Barack Obama, Chris Waterman and his Californication continue their run and move another place higher into 6th usurping Last train to Seaford. Wizzi's wonders also push further on into 13th.

The bottom 12 all remain unchanged.

NY Eagle has landed

I am seeing Barry Paull tonight who it seems has made a very special effort to fly to Chicago just to gloat about fuckin' Palarse getting in the play-off's (for those Chelsea and Man U supporters the league table below the Premier League is normally found tucked deep inside the sports pages).

I am sat here typing this and he has just sent me an email telling me that he is in his hotel and partaken in the first part of the 'three S's' and is now about to get in the shower whilst singing at the top of his voice "Wembley, Wembley...."

I just hope he doesn't cut himself shaving....

My kinda town

I’ve just got back from RIMS in San Diego, which we followed with a 1,000 mile road trip that took us to Palm Springs (desert life for the rich and famous), the Joshua Tree National Park (stunning trees older than anything that surrounds them), Sedona in Arizona (a wild west kind of town known for it’s spirituality and sat amongst the most glorious red rocks), the Grand Canyon (one of the greatest natural wonders of the world), the Hoover Dam (an engineering marvel) and Las Vegas (a marvel of gambling, drinking, eating, boobs and sun).

If you are ever thinking about coming on holiday to the US, then please consider this trip to explore the west. It is an amazing part of the world, and Vegas will certainly fill any shopping or late night desires.

It was a great trip and almost certainly our last break before the move to Bermuda, which before you ask is still date to be determined. At RIMS I had a terrible sense of déjà vu, with everyone that knew me asking when I was moving. Answer, just like it was for those 6 months in London waiting on my visa, was the same: “I don’t bloody know. It depends on the visa.”

The first person I bumped into in San Diego on the Sunday night was James Bird, ex N&R FL manager. James is still at JLT, in case you didn’t know, and it was nice to catch up with him. I also saw Stuart Kilpatrick a couple of times, late of course slumped at a bar, with me next to him!
The weekend before RIMS I had the dubious pleasure of having Paul Kelleher and Lee Day in town, with their other halves. Friday Lee was feeling a bit rough, so fortunately our boy’s lunch was cut short at 5 hours but one of strangest things happened whilst we were at lunch - Brian Rutter’s double showed up (see photo).

We all went out on Saturday night to Gibsons, one of my favourite Chicago restaurants and we ate like kings (see photo of PK), drunk an awful lot of wine and then ended up in the bar. Paul befriended the barman and we mixed it with some cougars (American speak for old Mum’s who were gagging for it) and I eventually fell off my bar stall, so we decided to call it quits.

All this means of course that I am now behind with the N&R at this crucial time with just one league game to go plus the Cup Final, which only includes Pompey. Anyhow I will bring us all up to speed by the weekend, so everyone will be aware of what the deciding Premier League games means to them and if they have a chance to win any prize money, which I have again listed below.

Premiership +

All credit to Chelsea and Avram Grant for talking the title race into the last weekend of the season. The top four is rapidly becoming the top 2. Man U know they have to win at Wigan and then the Premier League is won, anything less, and a win for Chelsea will give the Londoners the title. I would like to see United win it, because they play the game in such style and a Ronaldo goal and a Giggs appearance would keep them on target for a place in the history books.

If however Chelsea did win the title, and then the Champions League, it would be interesting to see how Abramovich deals with such a ‘tardy’ season under the Toad from Toad Hall. Does he still sack him? Move him upstairs? Appoint Dennis Wise as his Director of Football? What?

Everton need just a point at 1 point to claim the UEFA Cup place from Villa but for me all the fun of the fair is at the bottom.

Derby were relegated on August 11th, but Bolton under Megson and Foolham under Hodgson have given themselves a real chance.

Reading have been on a terrible run but all they have to do is show up at Pride Park on Sunday, like everyone else has, and collect their 3 points. I can see Fulham winning at Portsmouth, who have eyes, and bodies on the following week’s FA Cup Final at Wembley.

Birmingham have a dodgy game at home to Blackburn and Bolton are at Chelsea, who of course also need to win. If all four won, then Fulham and Bolton would survive. Whoever loses will probably drop, although Bolton’s goal difference will see them escape.

From a personal point of view, I want Foolham to come down, because they annoy me intensely. Birmingham and Reading will be strong contenders in next season’s Championship, so I’d rather avoid them, so Bolton I would choose as the 3rd team, because financially they will go through the same problems as Charlton.

Prize money reminder

Title Race
Champion - 220 and the famous N&R FL trophy
Runner Up - 150
3rd place - 110
4th place - 85
5th place - 60
6th place - 50
7th place - 30
8th place - 25
9th place - 10
10th place - 10
26th place - 10

The Plate
Winner - 60
2nd place - 40
3rd place - 30
4th place - 25
5th place - 20
6th place - 10
27th place - 10

Others
Best weekly score - 40
Worst weekly score - 40
Premiership week 32 winner - 30 PAUL KELLEHER
Championship week 32 winner - 30 BARRY PLUMMER
40 x Manager of the week - 5 each
Team Challenge winner - Special trophy

*All denominations in GBP

Week 37 reminder

West Ham actually won, oh hang on they beat Derby - doesn't count. Bolton keep scrapping for thei lives as they beat Boro 1-0 at the Riverside. Foolham lost at home to Liverpool, Pennant and Crouch scoring and Tevez got a late goal at to draw at Ewood.

Newcastle beat rivals Sunderland 2-0, and Villa hammered their local rivals to win compete summer bragging rights over City 5-1.

A fine threesome

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 37
Flighty Feet's lovely pair, er Catherine and Karen were top banana's this week, scoring 50 points along with Chris Wright, both winning their first MoW, even the prize has to be shared. Congrats to all three from AIG.

The next best score was Steve Black with 49, and then Wenners with 46. Title challengers Aaron Barden and Barry Plummer were the next best with 43 and 42 respectively, whilst BMS dude Shay scored 41.

40 points was the best the teams contesting The Plate could do, both reached by Paul Long and Paul Hargis and Dewbs hit 40 too.

Thank Godd

Breaking news 8888 The Plate - week 37 news
Once again The Plate provided most of the action in week 37 with Godders' Premiership - here we come back on top after a 7-day sabatical. NY Eagles, whose franchise owner Barry Paull I am seeing tonight for a pint after work, is still in 3rd just tucked in behind In Tatters. Carnarvon Kickers remain 4th and Pure Irish 5th.

Hargs Hammers gain a place as they look to get in on the action and Chris' Californication also get within grabbing distance of the prizes. Chris incidentially looks like he won't be buying the curries around at AIG this summer for the firs time in a couple of season's, a Mr I France will.

Further down Wizzis Wonders made some futile ground, and the gorgeous Emma and her Wylie Coyotes moved up a spot at the bottom with father to be Tim and his Nipple Antennae's still in the prized penultimate place.

No one takes advantage of Tally's flop

Breaking news 8888 The Title Race - week 37 news
A strange week in the top tier with Tally.Wacker.co.uk slipping up badly but none of the next three managers took advantage. In fact 2nd placed Egg & (Stevie) Bacon scored 3 less points than Tally and the title sure looks like heading to Romford.

2Infinity & beyond and Runningoutofroubles each failed to take advantage scoring 42 and 33 respectively, although they do get into spitting distance of the top two.

Below them in 5th remains Ajax, and in 6th are Boys on tour, hanging in there in Greg's virgin season. Outside of the top 7, Student Uprising climb into a pink spot after a half century of points. Flighty Feet are also chasing down a top 10 finish but the biggest mover was Shay's Obeonekanobenil, up four places.

The bottom 7 remain unaltered with Arsene Knows still in the penultmate place.