Easy Ryder

Just too easy wasn't it? Perhaps we should give them Vijay or Ernie next time to see if they can make a game of it. Or let them have Bermuda or Mexico.

Tight B uttocks

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 5
Ian Kennett strolled to the week 5 MoW award with 48 points, 8 more than Dougal's Living in Sin. The incredibly named Incontentia B uttocks move handsomely up the Serie A table to 5th.

In Serie B Hilary Ryan's London Irish continue their road to recovery with 39 points, whilst slow starters Thank You 4 The Daze (37), Rose's Rovers (36) and Ping Pong Yoyo Aces (36) all had very good weeks. PK's Epping 'dog walking' club also slipped in with 36 points.

This means that Serie A have won 3 of the 4 MoW awards so far even though Barry Paull is the league's leading points scorer with 197 points. Serie A have also gained more points - 3,425 v 3,201, which altogether means A is currently a much tougher league to play in and it also means that Martin Singleton is pony.

By the way week 5's lowest score was by Francey's Vote Seagulls Party. I vote Burn the friggin spreadsheet!

Kiss my ass

Breaking news 8888 Serie A week 5 scores
Kirsty continues to lead Serie A, it has been a good start for our little tartan haggis, who smuckered another 33 points in week 5. Glasgow kiss lead ex-colleague Alex Byatt's Lovejoy luvvies by 15 points. Alex jumped above John Littig, who was last seen being carried out of The Kerryman on Thursday night!

Flighty Feet will be pleased with their start, 4th after 5 weeks, just ahead of I still *ing hate Chelsea and the league's top weekly point scorer Incontentia B uttocks. Ian climbed 8 places up the table in week 5.

Two managers, whose teams I have named because I couldn't be arsed to wait anymore, both dropped down the table - Lee Day's Make that 3 chickens and Neil Cryer's The Underwriting Cop.

I must mention my colleague and mate Brian Dougal. Currently in Eastern Europe making sure his girlfriend hasn't been coerced into working in the local industry, his Living in Sin boys are making fine headway up the table. 25th two weeks ago, Dougs is now in 15th, just 4 points behind the magic 12th place, and only 2 behind Davor's #1 Strugglers. Rumour has it that the tall Croatian (who supposedly works in my team) maybe back at work next week after having his visa renewed. Fcuk me, they bloody give them away don't they?

At the bottom of the pile is Francey. Vote Seagulls Party are struggling after a season low weekly score of 4 points. Fabulous Fabregas and Le Guen's Revolution (great result the weekend Sweats!) all move up a spot.

Los Inspace

Breaking news 8888 Serie B week 5 scores
Martin Singleton slumped to the bottom of the table after week 5. Los Cusingos fell 2 places to replace Ping Pong at the foot of the table after scoring 13 points. Huw Thomas gets his first mention of the season, and unfortunately it is not a positive one, as his Athletico Abertawe slip to 24th.

Ping Pong and Goonersmoan each jump a couple of places, while Ball Hogs remain in 21st.

NY Eagles stay at the top 38 points ahead of Savchenko Spurs with Brighton Blues in 3rd. Richard Nathan, whose first transfer transaction saw him sell cry-baby Cristiano Ronaldo, stays in 4th with his now stupidly named Cristiano's Allstars.

Road to Wembley - Leighton buzzed

Leighton Town were Romford's visitors for the FA Cup 1st qualifying round tie. The team from the Midland division of the Southern League started the game strongly and gave Romford due warning as they broke through the home defence twice early on.

It took Romford 20 minutes to start getting into their stride. First Danny Rafis got the ball across the box but Petrit Elbi was beaten to it but won a corner. Then Elbi went on a jinking run that took him past 3 defenders before the ball was cleared away. But with the half almost up, a long ball found Downer out wide who outstrips a defender and sends in a cross that beats the keeper and finds PETRIT ELBI who just has to side foot our boys into a half time lead.

Leighton were still dangerous as was proved when slack marking allowed a free header that went just wide. 11 minutes into the half a Rafis cross found DANNY DOWNER who hit a sublime shot over the keeper to put Romford 2-0 ahead.

On 63 minutes Elbi won a tussle for the ball then laid the ball back to ANDY OXBY on the edge of the box who crashed in a shot to put the game out of reach of Leighton at 3-0.

Leighton didn't give up however and the final score certainly flattered Romford.

Team: Finn, Neville, Clayton, Maskell, B Turner, Mackin (Hughes), Rafis, Oxby, Pyne (Monksfield), Elbi, and Downer (K Smith).
Subs not used: Gallen, Howe, Martin.
MoM: Mackin
Att: 156

In the 2nd Qualifying Round Romford have a tricky away game at Worthing United, who play two levels higher in the Isthmian Premier. The game will be played next Saturday.

Rock on

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 4
44 points was enough to give John Littig's Rooney & Ronaldo Rockstars the MoW award in week 4, the 2nd American based winner in 3 weeks so far this season. Kennett's Incontentia B uttocks are on a bit of a role and came up 2nd,3 points less than John.

New boy Cristiano's Allstars and Rose's Rovers both scored 36 points, one more than Jonny Forskins, Wizzis Wonders and Living in Sin. NY Eagles and Bollocks to Ballack both continued their excellent starts with good scores.

Meanwhile it was the wooden spoon to Megan & Hannah's bears, who slotted in the season's worst total of 6, just slightly worse than Christian Dailly Football Genius and Muddy Funsters.

Plenty of R&R for Littig

Breaking news 8888 Serie A week 4 scores
Rooney & Ronaldo's early season form for Man Utd is helping John Littig to chase down Glasgow kiss at the top of Serie A. Lovejoy's luvvies are slipping behind in 3rd, with I Still *ing Hate Chelsea hot on Alex's tail.

East Indian Summer after a good start now find themselves in 5th after scoring just 11 points but colleagues Barwick and Higgs move up the table as Flighty Feet notched 29. Up 6 places was Incontentia B uttocks, who hit a season high 41 points and knock me down with a feather, Brian Dougal weighed in with 35 points whose Living in Sin jump 8 places in the table.

Fabulous Fabregas FC go back to the bottom of Serie A but it was Alex Boswell's Megan & Hannah's Bears who are the early leaders in the season's worst weekly score competition after putting just 6 points on the board in week 4.

Ping Pong hit double fault

Breaking news 8888 Serie B week 4 scores
New York Eagles extended their lead at the top of Serie B, lets hope he didn't take any advice from Francey when he visited last week. 34 points keeps Barry bubbling along nicely ahead of Savchenko Spurs, Brighton Blues, Bollocks to Ballack and the league's joint top scorers Cristiano's Allstars. Rose's Rovers hurdled 7 places after their 36 points.

The big news in Serie B was Ping Pong Yoyo Aces hitting the foot of the table. The current champ needs a turnaround in form if she is to make the Superleague after Christmas and retain her title. Goonersmoan are now in 24th, with Los Cusingos dropping to 23rd. Both Martin and Suzie scored just 10 points in week 4.

The Fizzy Pop league

Cardiff are flying high at the top of the fizzy pop league with the help of Michael Chopra's 6 goals. With the experienced Dave Jones at the helm, they must be championship hopefuls in the vein of Reading last season. And I have a bet on Chopra for top goalscorer!

Birmingham with their array of experience and big money signings are in 2nd. Looks like the Blue Noses are given it their all to get up first time around, doesn't always happen though - just ask Wolves, Ipswich, Derby, Leeds and Leicester. Surprise package are Burnley followed by George Burley's Southampton. Grzegorz Rasiak has also scored 6 goals so far this season and they have a nice mix of youth (Bale, Wright-Philips) and experience (Makin). They are also one of my bets for promotion and with no Clive Woodward or Rupert Lowe either, they've almost become that likeable little club down on the south-coast again.

QPR have been the slowest out of the blocks, with novice Gary Waddock struggling at Loftus Road. Above them are 3 teams that show the strength these days of the 2nd tier with Leeds (I give Kevin Blackwell two more weeks), Hull and Sheffield Wednesday all struggling despite each pulling in crowds of 20,000+.

In Div 1 another past giant Nottm Forest are at last showing a turnaround in fortune for their weary fans. One defeat in nine for Colin Calderwood. Tranmere are in 2nd, I fancied them last year and they choked but they have ex-Addick Ronnie Moore in charge now and a bloke called Zola up front, no surely not....

Port Vale have had a good start as have Bradford and Bristol City. At the bottom, if we ignore poor Rotherham, who started the season with an imposed 10 point deficit, it is good 'ol Millwall. "Let them come, let them come," down to the 4th division boys it looks like unless Nigel Spackman, who last worked in football around the same time as Paul Kelleher was old enough to drink legally, can sign someone to score some goals.

In the lower echelons Wycombe under the tutelage of Scot Paul Lambert are top, a point ahead of my favourites Swindon Town. The sleepy Wiltshire town has been woken up with the arrival of Dennis Wise and Paul Ince, who has joined as player-coach.

Walsall, perennial play-off candidates Lincoln and mad dog Martin Allen's MK Dons are also amongst the early leaders. Rock bottom are Macclesfield, who have already conceded 19 goals.

Bury are above them and have the youngest manager in the league trying to steer the club away from trouble. 31-year old Chris Casper has improved fortunes at Gigg Lane though after they lost their first 4 games.

In the Conference it's like the old days for Jim Smith's Oxford United. Big crowds at the Kassam Stadium have helped Oxford to the top of the table ahead of Dagenham and Redbridge and the ambitious Weymouth and Grays Athletic.

My kinda town

Can someone explain to me the whole valet parking thing? It is something we don't have at home, probably because anyone that drives has to pass a proper driving test, where they are taught how to park themselves.

If you have ever seen anyone here try to parallel park then you will see why god invented valet. For the uninitiated valet parking is when you drive up to a public place, whether it be a bar or a restaurant, leave the car running for some dodgy looking bloke (whom you would never ordinarily give your car keys to) to get in and park it across the street for you. For that little service you pay anything between $10-$20 plus a tip, don't ever forget the tip, because a huge scratch will appear down the wing next time you visit said restaurant.

Of course one of the upsides is that most American's fall out of bars so drunk that they wouldn't be able to find their car if it wasn't for valet. So it is worth the $15 to get the valet man to find it for you and turn the engine on allowing you to fall in and then hope you drive home without killing anyone!

I walked home last night, and I live near many restaurants and bars, and I saw someone pull up in their motor and give the keys to the valet, who promptly parked the car 10 feet up the street for them. Now is that just lazy or do folk have too much money to throw about?

I was recently in LA and in our hotel we had to use valet. $20 a go and it would be 15 minutes before the twats got your car back. "Its over there you idiot." "Its okay sir Manuel is getting it."

You got to give it to them though. They say in this country "if you got a 'labor' saving device some lazy fat fuck will pay for it."

FIFA World rankings

I used to get it in the ear from my American buddies about how the Yanks were ranked higher than England and of course the World Cup proved what a load of bollocks that was didn't it?

Well FIFA have just announced the new rankings after the summer and they have made some revisions. England, despite a poor competition are now 4th (I can't explain it either) above the actual champions Italy. Brazil, France and Argentina are 1, 2 and 3.

The American's have found their level and are now at 29th, yes 28 countries ahead of them including world powers Costa Rica, Guinea (get your Atlas out lads, no it is not in Iowa) and Egypt.

The Sweaties are up to the heady heights of 34th, whilst Eire are 43rd.

The full list of the 198 countries (197 more than play American football) is here.

No week 3

Because it was International week - the first phase of the European Qualifiers. England under new manager Steve McClaren won both of their opening matches, the sweaty socks have had a marvellous start beating Faroe Islands 6-0, which admittedly is like playing Forfar Athletic and Lithuania away 2-1.

The sheep-shaggers lost their opening game against Czech Republic to a late goal, whilst the paddy's had mixed fortunes. Eire lost in Germany 1-0 and the Northern Irish beat Spain 3-2 on an historic night Wednesday after being stuffed by Iceland on Saturday.

A couple of results caught my eye. Germany beating San Marino 13-0 to record the biggest ever win in the competition. Podolski scoring 4, as well as the winner against Eire on Saturday. France got revenge over world champions Italy 3-1, who only drew at home to Lithuania 1-1 on Saturday.

The current standings are here.

Eagle eye

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 2
Barry Paull went one better in the 2nd week of competition by finishing top of the pile with 70 points. New York Eagles trailed Glasgow kiss last week but came out top this to pick up the fiver, or about $9.51 in toy money.

Mark Dewberry's East Indian Summer was a point short of AIG colleague Barry and had to settle for 2nd. New boys Ryan Saveall and James Down both had good weeks, with Ryan's Savchenko Spurs scoring 63 and James' Massive Tackle notching 62.

The week's worse score from Rutts' Goonersmoan (13 points), who has started at a snails pace.

Pout

Breaking news 8888 Serie A week 2 scores
Glasgow snoggers continue to set the pace at the top of Serie A at the end of week 2. Kirsty is 12 points ahead of big week 2 hitter East Indian Summer. Lovejoy's Luvvies move upto 3rd with Lee Day's yet unnamed team in 4th.

Two of last week's quick starters Rooney & Ronaldo rockstars and #1 Strugglers slip back a little but stay with the pace. At the bottom the Sweatmeister is rock bottom after Le Guen's Revolution slumped in w2 - hardly a revolution, more like an ablution! But he can be safe in the knowledge that he won't be behind Doug's Living in sin for long....

Paull way out in front

Breaking news 8888 Serie B week 2 scores
NY Eagles have opened up a massive 41 point lead at the summit of Serie B. The MoW award followed runner-up last week and the veteran fantasy manager and now New York resident has been installed as the early season favourite by Ready's Bookmakers Ltd.

In 2nd is Savchenko Spurs, who jump 11 places in the table. Roubles FC are up 7 to 3rd after hitting 55 points. The Long's Brighton Blues are upto 4th alongside Ready's Hannoi Utd. Wenners, Wizz and Megan who lose ground after excellent starts.

Michael Stout's Ball Hogs escape the bottom and are replaced by Goonersmoan and it is a surprise to see last season's champ Ping Pong Yo-Yo in 24th place.

Who are ya? Nobby

This will be a regular feature as I try to introduce you to each other. So I thought, what better way to start than with me? Most of you know me, some think they do and some wouldn't know me if they fell over me in a bar.

Here goes.... I grew up in South London, in the rather exclusive leafy (mainly marijuana) suburb of Catford (pronounced Cart-foord). After being mesmerised by Johan Cruyff and the Dutch team at the 1974 World Cup finals, my Dad took me down to The Valley and in a connection I still find hard to understand, I became a Charlton fan, and I still bleed Addick red to this day.

After attending the school of life, insurance found me at an early age. I was queuing for Sturge's box at 14 (Paul Long was doing the photo-copying) and had learnt where each box was in Lloyds and where each public house was in the City by the age of 16. I worked for a long extinct broker called Leslie & Godwin, which after about 4 mergers became Aon.

I transferred to the North American division at about the age of 21, where I learnt about earthquakes, women, being able to drink a bottle of red wine at lunchtime and still hold an intelligent conversation and how fucking stupid American's can be! I also inherited the nickname of Nobby, which meant I had made it as anyone who is anyone in the City has to have a nickname.

An old boss took me with him to a new start-up UK and European team (it sounded grander than it really was) and while Charlton were whittling down the leagues I was doing alright and lived in my own place, unlike Charlton, who shared with that shower of shit in Norwood.

I met a mad bird, got married and am still paying for it. Although the only thing that we did that was worth remembering was produce our great son, who has become the next generation of Newport Addicks. Clearly he has inherited my brains, because his favourite footballer is Peter Crouch! Honest.

For many years I harboured thoughts about working abroad, nearly went to work in New York, but didn't but thanks to a couple of people I got the chance to come and live and work (although some people would call it delegate) in the great city of Chicago, which is where I now spend my time thinking about earthquakes, how mad American's are and how much older I am than every girl I look at on the way to work in the morning.

The American culture of taking twice as long to do everything than is necessary does allow me though to spend time on my true loves of writing, drinking nice wine, travelling and watching the world's beautiful game.

Catchphrase: It's about inspiration not Perspiration.

Road to Wembley - Romford stroll on

Tilbury fell to 10-man Romford in the FA Cup Preliminary Round on Saturday 2-0. Lee Pyne scoring both goals. Tilbury play in the Isthmian Division One North, a higher level than Romford but 102 fans saw our Road to Wembley boys through to play Biggleswade Town in the 1st Qualifying Round on September 16th.

A bit of trivia about our boys: Romford was the team that originally produced England internationals Darius Vassell and Zat Knight.