You know how every American wants to be a Brit and birds just want to wake up to an English accent?
Well, look at this new invention. Stephen Fry will wake you up personally, okay perhaps not every girls dream, but he will sooth you whilst you awake from your slumber with 50 programmed deeply fortifying messages. The clock provides gentle messages such as "good morning, your horoscope is promising very considerable profit with equal quantities of pleasure. Unlikely as this may currently appear, the world merely requires your presence for the process to begin."
Wonderful, better than an elbow in the back any day.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Another five to feed Doherty’s habit
Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 23
For the 2nd week running a Championship manager picks up the MoW award. Simon Jenkins’ Pete Doherty for Allianz continued their good 2007 form by hitting 57 points and picking up a fiver and moves into the promotion places for the first time.
Lovejoy was next up with 52 points, why Philly cheese steak John Littig saw his Rockstars smack 49 to retain his place in the top 7.
The Underwriting cop tried to arrest his slide with 47 and Goonersmoan storm into 6th with 41.
Back in The Championship Huw’s Athletico Abertawe are also on a role, the Welshman scoring 38, four more than Incontentia B uttocks, Rose’s Rovers and Californication.
Other fine weeks were had by Premiership table-toppers Savchenko Spurs and the in-form Living in Sin.
The week’s lowest score was 10 points and rather surprisingly wasn’t by Sweaty but Pete Doyle’s Racing Ginger.
For the 2nd week running a Championship manager picks up the MoW award. Simon Jenkins’ Pete Doherty for Allianz continued their good 2007 form by hitting 57 points and picking up a fiver and moves into the promotion places for the first time.
Lovejoy was next up with 52 points, why Philly cheese steak John Littig saw his Rockstars smack 49 to retain his place in the top 7.
The Underwriting cop tried to arrest his slide with 47 and Goonersmoan storm into 6th with 41.
Back in The Championship Huw’s Athletico Abertawe are also on a role, the Welshman scoring 38, four more than Incontentia B uttocks, Rose’s Rovers and Californication.
Other fine weeks were had by Premiership table-toppers Savchenko Spurs and the in-form Living in Sin.
The week’s lowest score was 10 points and rather surprisingly wasn’t by Sweaty but Pete Doyle’s Racing Ginger.
Feel the Lovejoy
Breaking news 8888 The N&R Premiership - week 23 scores
If teams don’t watch out Savchenko Spurs will start to look unassailable at the top of The Premiership. Ryan Is 27 points ahead of Flighty Feet, who move into 2nd, whilst Cristiano’s allstars slip to 3rd.
Although Ryan’s form in the first half of the season has been title inspiring, I have my beady eyes on the Flighty Feet ladies, who have impressed N&R since their prize winning performance at the end of last season.
New into the top 7 is Goonersmoan and Rooney & Ronaldo’s Rockstars return after dropping out last week.
Christian Dailly Genius fall 3 places and #1 Strugglers, fall to 10th. It is Davor’s last week in our group at work, and I would like to thank him for all of his hard work, but I couldn’t possibly. Seriously Davor, keep in touch and no hiding when England hammer Croatia in the return!
The Premiership table is extremely tight top to bottom and Lovejoy’s luvvies proved how tight it is after jumping from 19th to 11th after scoring 52 points in week 23.
At the bottom, East Indian Summer falls into the drop zone replacing Lovejoy. I Still *ing Hate Chelsea stay bottom, 44 points from safety.
If teams don’t watch out Savchenko Spurs will start to look unassailable at the top of The Premiership. Ryan Is 27 points ahead of Flighty Feet, who move into 2nd, whilst Cristiano’s allstars slip to 3rd.
Although Ryan’s form in the first half of the season has been title inspiring, I have my beady eyes on the Flighty Feet ladies, who have impressed N&R since their prize winning performance at the end of last season.
New into the top 7 is Goonersmoan and Rooney & Ronaldo’s Rockstars return after dropping out last week.
Christian Dailly Genius fall 3 places and #1 Strugglers, fall to 10th. It is Davor’s last week in our group at work, and I would like to thank him for all of his hard work, but I couldn’t possibly. Seriously Davor, keep in touch and no hiding when England hammer Croatia in the return!
The Premiership table is extremely tight top to bottom and Lovejoy’s luvvies proved how tight it is after jumping from 19th to 11th after scoring 52 points in week 23.
At the bottom, East Indian Summer falls into the drop zone replacing Lovejoy. I Still *ing Hate Chelsea stay bottom, 44 points from safety.
Jonny gives it some skin
Breaking news 8888 The N&R Championship - week 23 scores
32 points was enough for Shay’s Jonny Forskins to take over at the top of The Championship pushing Sven & Janas back into 2nd. Thank you 4 the daze and Rose’s Rovers remain 4th and 5th.
New into 5th is W23 MoW Pete Doherty for Allianz and into 6th climbs Lamb to the Slaughter. The Welsh dragon slayer or sheep shagger, depending on Huw’s persuasion, Athletico Albertawe jump 5 places into joint 7th with Bollocks to Ballack and I am sure young Michael really gives a toss on £120,000 per week!
Frank & Beans (after I bigged them up last week), Massive Tackle (usually self-bigged up if you know what I mean?) and Here we go again (small bloke, big’s himself up) all drop out of the promotion race.
The table is pretty compact down to Los Cusingos in 17th, and then comes the great underachievers Day, Newport and Waterman.
At the bottom Le Guen's Revolution had a better week but need a Paul Ince type revival to get them off the bottom. Alex Boswell’s Megan & Hannah's Bears stay in the super sad prized place of 2nd from bottom of The Championship.
32 points was enough for Shay’s Jonny Forskins to take over at the top of The Championship pushing Sven & Janas back into 2nd. Thank you 4 the daze and Rose’s Rovers remain 4th and 5th.
New into 5th is W23 MoW Pete Doherty for Allianz and into 6th climbs Lamb to the Slaughter. The Welsh dragon slayer or sheep shagger, depending on Huw’s persuasion, Athletico Albertawe jump 5 places into joint 7th with Bollocks to Ballack and I am sure young Michael really gives a toss on £120,000 per week!
Frank & Beans (after I bigged them up last week), Massive Tackle (usually self-bigged up if you know what I mean?) and Here we go again (small bloke, big’s himself up) all drop out of the promotion race.
The table is pretty compact down to Los Cusingos in 17th, and then comes the great underachievers Day, Newport and Waterman.
At the bottom Le Guen's Revolution had a better week but need a Paul Ince type revival to get them off the bottom. Alex Boswell’s Megan & Hannah's Bears stay in the super sad prized place of 2nd from bottom of The Championship.
Monday, January 29, 2007
My kinda town
I never know who to tip.
Well, I know that you always tip your waitress or waiter, even if they’ve spat in your food and it was cooked by Hannibal Lector, because not tipping in restaurants is just not done is it?
And you always tip the barman a dollar even though pulling a pint never looked particularly difficult and if the barman is a she with a rather lovely cleavage, then surely that is worth a bit extra, for, well the extra’s!
Of course I always tip a cab driver, even though 9 times out of 10, they disobey every single rule that you are reading on the taped list of rules on the back of the driver’s seat and you have to give them directions to the place you wish to go.
But otherwise I never know. There should be laws or rules on tipping etiquette.
Does the nice lady in Starbucks who always remembers my drink get a tip? Or the lady who fetches my coat of the hanger in the cloakroom, or what about the old bloke in the toilet at trendy bars, who offers you a mint or a squirt of Drakkor Noir?
Then there is the maitre d in restaurants who shows you to your table, even though you know where it is, or the young lad who brings up your bags to the hotel room an hour after you checked in? What about the geezer that hails you a cab outside of a hotel because it’s easier than you sticking your arm in the air?
The friendly Korean lady in the dry cleaners whose vocabulary only extends to “starch or no starch?” The students in the grocery store that put your vegetables in a bag or the mailman for masterfully delivering your mail to the right place. Then there is the doorman who opens the door because that is what it says in his job description?
Do you tip the women with a face like a slapped arse in the cinema who serves you popcorn and hates her job more than anything in the world, or the petrol attendant who whacks in the most expensive unleaded fuel there is before you have a chance to get out of the car?
You see after 3 years of living in this country I don’t have a ruddy clue, all I know is that no bastard tips me for doing my job!
Well, I know that you always tip your waitress or waiter, even if they’ve spat in your food and it was cooked by Hannibal Lector, because not tipping in restaurants is just not done is it?
And you always tip the barman a dollar even though pulling a pint never looked particularly difficult and if the barman is a she with a rather lovely cleavage, then surely that is worth a bit extra, for, well the extra’s!
Of course I always tip a cab driver, even though 9 times out of 10, they disobey every single rule that you are reading on the taped list of rules on the back of the driver’s seat and you have to give them directions to the place you wish to go.
But otherwise I never know. There should be laws or rules on tipping etiquette.
Does the nice lady in Starbucks who always remembers my drink get a tip? Or the lady who fetches my coat of the hanger in the cloakroom, or what about the old bloke in the toilet at trendy bars, who offers you a mint or a squirt of Drakkor Noir?
Then there is the maitre d in restaurants who shows you to your table, even though you know where it is, or the young lad who brings up your bags to the hotel room an hour after you checked in? What about the geezer that hails you a cab outside of a hotel because it’s easier than you sticking your arm in the air?
The friendly Korean lady in the dry cleaners whose vocabulary only extends to “starch or no starch?” The students in the grocery store that put your vegetables in a bag or the mailman for masterfully delivering your mail to the right place. Then there is the doorman who opens the door because that is what it says in his job description?
Do you tip the women with a face like a slapped arse in the cinema who serves you popcorn and hates her job more than anything in the world, or the petrol attendant who whacks in the most expensive unleaded fuel there is before you have a chance to get out of the car?
You see after 3 years of living in this country I don’t have a ruddy clue, all I know is that no bastard tips me for doing my job!
More Beere
Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 22
Rob Beere’s Fabulous Fabregas have had a pretty rough season to be honest. A couple of years back Rob looked like he could be a seasonal challenger to the N&R crown but has not delivered this season, although out of the blue he did win MoW in week 9.
However the start of The Championship has given Rob a lift and he took the weekly honours in W22 to collect a fiver by hitting 60 points.
The next best was Pete Doherty for Allianz with 54 points. For those Yankie readers of mine Pete Doherty is a low-life druggie who sings in a band and porks Kate Moss on a regular basis. Next up was Athletico Abertawe and Los Cusingos as The Championship ruled week 22’s scores, which showed what a load of bollocks this new structure I dreamed up is!
Living in Sin for the second week running had an immaculate week and that is 105 points in 14 days for Dougal who has the top 7 in his sights.
Other mentions should go to further Championship team’s Thank you 4 the Daze, Ping Pong Yo-Yo’s and Lamb the Slaughter who had good weeks plus The Premiership’s Brighton Blues who I forgot to mention bombed last week with 8 points but bounced back well this.
Rob Beere’s Fabulous Fabregas have had a pretty rough season to be honest. A couple of years back Rob looked like he could be a seasonal challenger to the N&R crown but has not delivered this season, although out of the blue he did win MoW in week 9.
However the start of The Championship has given Rob a lift and he took the weekly honours in W22 to collect a fiver by hitting 60 points.
The next best was Pete Doherty for Allianz with 54 points. For those Yankie readers of mine Pete Doherty is a low-life druggie who sings in a band and porks Kate Moss on a regular basis. Next up was Athletico Abertawe and Los Cusingos as The Championship ruled week 22’s scores, which showed what a load of bollocks this new structure I dreamed up is!
Living in Sin for the second week running had an immaculate week and that is 105 points in 14 days for Dougal who has the top 7 in his sights.
Other mentions should go to further Championship team’s Thank you 4 the Daze, Ping Pong Yo-Yo’s and Lamb the Slaughter who had good weeks plus The Premiership’s Brighton Blues who I forgot to mention bombed last week with 8 points but bounced back well this.
Sav steps out
Breaking news 8888 The N&R Premiership - week 22 scores
The top 6 was unchanged although last week's two leaders became one as Savchenko Spurs stepped out on his own, four points clear.
In 7th now sit Christian Daily Football Genuis as Rooney & Ronaldo’s rockstars slip 4 places. Lower down but not that many points behind Brighton Blues, East Indian Summer, Living in Sin and Epping 'dog walking' club all make ground.
In the relegation zone Underwriting cop is off the bottom, a place now occupied by Godder’s I Still *ing Hate Chelsea. Wizzi’s wonders and Lovejoy slip into the drop zone.
The top 6 was unchanged although last week's two leaders became one as Savchenko Spurs stepped out on his own, four points clear.
In 7th now sit Christian Daily Football Genuis as Rooney & Ronaldo’s rockstars slip 4 places. Lower down but not that many points behind Brighton Blues, East Indian Summer, Living in Sin and Epping 'dog walking' club all make ground.
In the relegation zone Underwriting cop is off the bottom, a place now occupied by Godder’s I Still *ing Hate Chelsea. Wizzi’s wonders and Lovejoy slip into the drop zone.
Oakley in a daze
Breaking news 8888 The N&R Championship - week 22 scores
Sven & Janas stay top with Jonny Forskins leading the chase. Nose-bleed merchant Oakers is in 3rd after Thank you 4 the daze’s 49 weekly points. My little tip for promotion Frank & Beans move into 5th and Glenn Francis’ Lamb to the slaughter is in 8th.
Lower down both Ping Pong and Pete Doherty for Allianz climbed the table although the biggest mover was Fabulous Fabregas, up 5 places to 19th. And, wait for it Nobby’s North of Crystal Palarce are on the march after storming into (cough, cough) 19th.
The bottom 3 remain unchanged with old Sweaty balls Le Guen's revolution glued to the foot of the table 118 points adrift of the next worst team. Come on Sweats, what’s going on?
Sven & Janas stay top with Jonny Forskins leading the chase. Nose-bleed merchant Oakers is in 3rd after Thank you 4 the daze’s 49 weekly points. My little tip for promotion Frank & Beans move into 5th and Glenn Francis’ Lamb to the slaughter is in 8th.
Lower down both Ping Pong and Pete Doherty for Allianz climbed the table although the biggest mover was Fabulous Fabregas, up 5 places to 19th. And, wait for it Nobby’s North of Crystal Palarce are on the march after storming into (cough, cough) 19th.
The bottom 3 remain unchanged with old Sweaty balls Le Guen's revolution glued to the foot of the table 118 points adrift of the next worst team. Come on Sweats, what’s going on?
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Beckham comes to America
So Becks and his skinny missus are coming to America. What has he done?
Once Goldenballs had the most revered right foot in the business and a haircut that would make every young man in the country head down to the nearest barbers. At times he single handedly won games for his country and was the first Premiership player to add real worth the word ‘assist,’ previously an expression used solely in American sports.
Recently he has swanned around Madrid as part of the glorified but generally shite Galacticos gracing the bench of some of the best stadiums in Europe.
However for the small some of $1m a week Becks has forgone the Galacticos for The Galaxy far, far away in Los Angeles, home of people considered to be madder than Neil Warnock!
So the former England captain will exchange the rarified atmosphere of Champions League tussles with thrilling games played in front of 10,000 people at Real Salt Lake, Columbus Crew and Kansas City Wizards.
Afternoons at The Bernabeu will be exchanged for afternoons at the Home Depot Center, the nearest you will get to Selhurst Park with its more popular Sainsbury’s in the car park.
The Home Depot Center I might add is 13 miles from LA in a town called Carson, so more Petts Wood than Hollywood. Beckham announced that he had taken advice from Tom Cruise about moving to LA, which is a bit like asking Vera Duckworth about a move to Manchester.
Beckham’s new management will consist of Alexi Lalas, one of the more famous American ‘soccer’ players outside of the country. The bloke who had a goatee and a ponytail long before Becks made them famous is LA Galaxy’s president and general manager, whilst Frank Yallop is their coach, who will be well known to Ipswich fans and, well that’s about it.
Yallop along with ex-Liverpool ginger nut Steve Nichol and ex-Celtic striker and reformed boozer Maurice Johnston each manage MLS teams. Yallop has twice before won the title with San Jose Earthquakes, who are now in true American franchise fashion called Houston Dynamos and have also been know as The Utah Threesomes and New Orleans Hurricanes. I did actually make the last two up by the way.
Teammates will include ex Coventry player Cobi Jones, who despite being absolutely appalling at Coventry has 164 caps for the US national team! Honest.
Before Beckham’s arrival the most well known ‘soccer’ player in the country was Landon Donovan, who didn’t quite cut it at Bayer Leverkusen and got homesick so came back to LA to be a rather large carp in a small pond.
Galaxy actually share their Home Depot stadium with Club Deportivo Chivas USA (try singing that one to a tune), a sister club to one that graces the Mexican league and draws it support from the huge Mexican immigrant population in south Los Angeles.
LA Galaxy do have the best support in the MLS and even have an official ‘firm’ called the LA Riot squad! And a mascot called Cozmo, a frog like creature apparently, who whips the crowd into a frenzy in between eating burgers and drooling over the cheerleaders.
Who knows what Beckham can add to football in the USA? If he gets American people to at least consider it a sport for grown up men and not for kids or women, then that will be a start even though the media have been lukewarm to his arrival despite being touted as “the best player in the world”
The best corner taker or free-kick specialist or the best sideburns once maybe, but despite Tom Cruise’s help Becks has much to do to raise the profile of the beautiful game in the US. LA has been home to has-beens before, and not just Tom Cruise. A certain George Best played for the LA Aztecs back in the day, when high profile signings bankrupted the NASL, let’s hope we don’t see that again and that old Goldenballs doesn’t suffer that indignity. At least not many people will notice if he does!
Once Goldenballs had the most revered right foot in the business and a haircut that would make every young man in the country head down to the nearest barbers. At times he single handedly won games for his country and was the first Premiership player to add real worth the word ‘assist,’ previously an expression used solely in American sports.
Recently he has swanned around Madrid as part of the glorified but generally shite Galacticos gracing the bench of some of the best stadiums in Europe.
However for the small some of $1m a week Becks has forgone the Galacticos for The Galaxy far, far away in Los Angeles, home of people considered to be madder than Neil Warnock!
So the former England captain will exchange the rarified atmosphere of Champions League tussles with thrilling games played in front of 10,000 people at Real Salt Lake, Columbus Crew and Kansas City Wizards.
Afternoons at The Bernabeu will be exchanged for afternoons at the Home Depot Center, the nearest you will get to Selhurst Park with its more popular Sainsbury’s in the car park.
The Home Depot Center I might add is 13 miles from LA in a town called Carson, so more Petts Wood than Hollywood. Beckham announced that he had taken advice from Tom Cruise about moving to LA, which is a bit like asking Vera Duckworth about a move to Manchester.
Beckham’s new management will consist of Alexi Lalas, one of the more famous American ‘soccer’ players outside of the country. The bloke who had a goatee and a ponytail long before Becks made them famous is LA Galaxy’s president and general manager, whilst Frank Yallop is their coach, who will be well known to Ipswich fans and, well that’s about it.
Yallop along with ex-Liverpool ginger nut Steve Nichol and ex-Celtic striker and reformed boozer Maurice Johnston each manage MLS teams. Yallop has twice before won the title with San Jose Earthquakes, who are now in true American franchise fashion called Houston Dynamos and have also been know as The Utah Threesomes and New Orleans Hurricanes. I did actually make the last two up by the way.
Teammates will include ex Coventry player Cobi Jones, who despite being absolutely appalling at Coventry has 164 caps for the US national team! Honest.
Before Beckham’s arrival the most well known ‘soccer’ player in the country was Landon Donovan, who didn’t quite cut it at Bayer Leverkusen and got homesick so came back to LA to be a rather large carp in a small pond.
Galaxy actually share their Home Depot stadium with Club Deportivo Chivas USA (try singing that one to a tune), a sister club to one that graces the Mexican league and draws it support from the huge Mexican immigrant population in south Los Angeles.
LA Galaxy do have the best support in the MLS and even have an official ‘firm’ called the LA Riot squad! And a mascot called Cozmo, a frog like creature apparently, who whips the crowd into a frenzy in between eating burgers and drooling over the cheerleaders.
Who knows what Beckham can add to football in the USA? If he gets American people to at least consider it a sport for grown up men and not for kids or women, then that will be a start even though the media have been lukewarm to his arrival despite being touted as “the best player in the world”
The best corner taker or free-kick specialist or the best sideburns once maybe, but despite Tom Cruise’s help Becks has much to do to raise the profile of the beautiful game in the US. LA has been home to has-beens before, and not just Tom Cruise. A certain George Best played for the LA Aztecs back in the day, when high profile signings bankrupted the NASL, let’s hope we don’t see that again and that old Goldenballs doesn’t suffer that indignity. At least not many people will notice if he does!
Premiership and Championship kick off
Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 21
So the 2nd part of the N&R season is well under way. I’ve had a mini mid-season break so need to catch up a little on the scores.
Remember the total scores earned up and until week 20 were carried forward as the teams were divided into the N&R Premiership and the N&R Championship. There’s no shame in being in the Championship it’s that you are not very good and are more Southend United than Manchester United!
A single weekly award of a fiver will still go to the best 7 day score over the two leagues and the latest winner of that award goes to Brian Rutter, whose Goonersmoan notched an superb 82 points, 7 more than In Tatters, and a whole 26 more than the next best Premiership team Living in Sin.
Read on….
So the 2nd part of the N&R season is well under way. I’ve had a mini mid-season break so need to catch up a little on the scores.
Remember the total scores earned up and until week 20 were carried forward as the teams were divided into the N&R Premiership and the N&R Championship. There’s no shame in being in the Championship it’s that you are not very good and are more Southend United than Manchester United!
A single weekly award of a fiver will still go to the best 7 day score over the two leagues and the latest winner of that award goes to Brian Rutter, whose Goonersmoan notched an superb 82 points, 7 more than In Tatters, and a whole 26 more than the next best Premiership team Living in Sin.
Read on….
Nathan & Saveall lead the way
Breaking news 8888 The N&R Premiership - week 21 scores
Cristiano's Allstars and Savchenko Spurs who both came up from Serie B are the early title chasers with both teams on 804 points. Flighty Feet are just 4 points behind in 3rd.
There is a little gap to Glasgow Kiss in 4th with Roubles FC, #1 Strugglers and Rooney & Ronaldo’s allstars tucked in behind them.
Only 56 points separate the 7th team from the bottom, so each manager has it all to play for. Remember the bottom 8 teams will be relegated.
Cristiano's Allstars and Savchenko Spurs who both came up from Serie B are the early title chasers with both teams on 804 points. Flighty Feet are just 4 points behind in 3rd.
There is a little gap to Glasgow Kiss in 4th with Roubles FC, #1 Strugglers and Rooney & Ronaldo’s allstars tucked in behind them.
Only 56 points separate the 7th team from the bottom, so each manager has it all to play for. Remember the bottom 8 teams will be relegated.
Top Mark
Breaking news 8888 The N&R Championship - week 21 scores
Sven & Janas Bye occupy the top spot after the first week of action with Jonny Forskins and the Phullbacks 11 points behind, in fact unlike the tight Premiership table, The Championship table is pretty spread out with 46 points separating the top 10.
Lee Baughan’s Le Guen’s revolution (so revolutionized of course that he got fired) are an amazing 102 points adrift at the bottom.
Sven & Janas Bye occupy the top spot after the first week of action with Jonny Forskins and the Phullbacks 11 points behind, in fact unlike the tight Premiership table, The Championship table is pretty spread out with 46 points separating the top 10.
Lee Baughan’s Le Guen’s revolution (so revolutionized of course that he got fired) are an amazing 102 points adrift at the bottom.
People that make living in England not very appealing
1. Jade Goody
Racist or just a complete half-wit? And why do we care? Big Brother and the general British populate have made this poor excuse for a human-being famous and a millionaire to boot. When I was kid I was never a fan of just the upper class having the opportunity to become rich, mainly because Catford Boys didn’t have much of a record for producing millionaires, Spike Milligan aside. But if reality television and the tabloids can create dim-witted waste of spaces like Jade Goody then I would rather have no part of it. Goody says she is the “25th most influential person in the world.” Well maybe in Chaville but she disgusts me and make’s me embarrassed to be English.
2. Ben May and Glenn Johnson
Glenn Johnson earns 20 grand a week, Ben May plays for Millwall, so probably a little less but money as they say does not buy class. These two professional footballers were blessed with a talent but very few brain cells.
Despite their considerable salaries and having agents who wipe their arses for them, they were found running out of B&Q (think Home Depot to my American readers) with boxes of toilet seats with which they had changed the price tags for those of cheaper ones. When the security guard (annual salary £15k) stopped Johnson (annual salary £1m) and May (annual salary £300k) they were said to be both laughing their heads off. What is wrong with these people?
Racist or just a complete half-wit? And why do we care? Big Brother and the general British populate have made this poor excuse for a human-being famous and a millionaire to boot. When I was kid I was never a fan of just the upper class having the opportunity to become rich, mainly because Catford Boys didn’t have much of a record for producing millionaires, Spike Milligan aside. But if reality television and the tabloids can create dim-witted waste of spaces like Jade Goody then I would rather have no part of it. Goody says she is the “25th most influential person in the world.” Well maybe in Chaville but she disgusts me and make’s me embarrassed to be English.
2. Ben May and Glenn Johnson
Glenn Johnson earns 20 grand a week, Ben May plays for Millwall, so probably a little less but money as they say does not buy class. These two professional footballers were blessed with a talent but very few brain cells.
Despite their considerable salaries and having agents who wipe their arses for them, they were found running out of B&Q (think Home Depot to my American readers) with boxes of toilet seats with which they had changed the price tags for those of cheaper ones. When the security guard (annual salary £15k) stopped Johnson (annual salary £1m) and May (annual salary £300k) they were said to be both laughing their heads off. What is wrong with these people?
Saturday, January 27, 2007
A little bit of Bully
To celebrate the recent world darts championships, I thought I would list some tournament quotes for your enjoyment. A note to our American managers, Darts requires the fitness of Baseball, the precision of Basketball and the nerves of a American Football, oh and the ability to drink 10 pints of Stella and a huge plate of Steak & Kidney Pie.
Here are some quotes from the world’s top darts personalities:
“Before a match I like to relax with 25 bottles of Holsten Pils and six steak n' kidney pies.”Andy Fordham
“I don't know if his illness was drink-related or weight-related. He's got an infection in his lung.”
Fordham's wife Jenny after he collapses with breathing difficulties at The Lakeside.
“Who let the dogs out?”
The Lakeside crowd after the tournament's first streaker on the oche in 2001 as Ted 'The Count' Hankey played Shaun Greatbach.
“I wasn't nervous during the match but the streaker certainly affected my game. I just wish I'd got her name and address!”
Shaun Greatbach
“The other day Phil was going on about how he could not get a set of table and chairs in his Bentley. What does he want a Bentley for? It is pathetic, absolutely pathetic.”
Chris Mason on 13-time champion Phil 'The Power' Taylor.
“I drive a nine-year old car and he rubs everyone's noses in it by driving round in a Bentley.”
Mason warms to this theme.
“Phil is lucky I'm not 10 years younger when my bollocks were bigger than my brain. He is always giving it the 'Bertie big'.”
Mason again.
“At the end he effed and blinded at me. I'll see him upstairs in a minute and we'll see how big and brave he is.”
Taylor crushes Mason but is unhappy with his beaten opponent's reaction.
“If he wants to sort it out in the car park, I will see him there. I am a bigger man than him.”
Mason hits back, although careful you don't scratch the Bentley, Chris.
“Is ball-rooming dancing a sport? It's recognised as a sport but I don't see any balls there.”
The wonderful Bobby George.
“His darts used to stick out like tulips in the board.”
On the improvement of Dutchman Vincent van der Voort.
“Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is a firm press on a soda siphon.”
Commentator Sid Waddell on the great and big Welshman,
“Bristow reasons; Bristow quickens; aaaaah Bristow!”
Sid Waddell on the 'Crafty Cockney,' who was different gravy.
“We couldn't have more excitement if Elvis walked in and asked for a chip sandwich.”
A Waddell classic
“William Tell could take an apple off your head, Taylor could take out a processed pea.”
And another.
Here are some quotes from the world’s top darts personalities:
“Before a match I like to relax with 25 bottles of Holsten Pils and six steak n' kidney pies.”Andy Fordham
“I don't know if his illness was drink-related or weight-related. He's got an infection in his lung.”
Fordham's wife Jenny after he collapses with breathing difficulties at The Lakeside.
“Who let the dogs out?”
The Lakeside crowd after the tournament's first streaker on the oche in 2001 as Ted 'The Count' Hankey played Shaun Greatbach.
“I wasn't nervous during the match but the streaker certainly affected my game. I just wish I'd got her name and address!”
Shaun Greatbach
“The other day Phil was going on about how he could not get a set of table and chairs in his Bentley. What does he want a Bentley for? It is pathetic, absolutely pathetic.”
Chris Mason on 13-time champion Phil 'The Power' Taylor.
“I drive a nine-year old car and he rubs everyone's noses in it by driving round in a Bentley.”
Mason warms to this theme.
“Phil is lucky I'm not 10 years younger when my bollocks were bigger than my brain. He is always giving it the 'Bertie big'.”
Mason again.
“At the end he effed and blinded at me. I'll see him upstairs in a minute and we'll see how big and brave he is.”
Taylor crushes Mason but is unhappy with his beaten opponent's reaction.
“If he wants to sort it out in the car park, I will see him there. I am a bigger man than him.”
Mason hits back, although careful you don't scratch the Bentley, Chris.
“Is ball-rooming dancing a sport? It's recognised as a sport but I don't see any balls there.”
The wonderful Bobby George.
“His darts used to stick out like tulips in the board.”
On the improvement of Dutchman Vincent van der Voort.
“Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is a firm press on a soda siphon.”
Commentator Sid Waddell on the great and big Welshman,
“Bristow reasons; Bristow quickens; aaaaah Bristow!”
Sid Waddell on the 'Crafty Cockney,' who was different gravy.
“We couldn't have more excitement if Elvis walked in and asked for a chip sandwich.”
A Waddell classic
“William Tell could take an apple off your head, Taylor could take out a processed pea.”
And another.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
The things you do - part 37
Being a football fan is never easy, that is unless your Roman Abramovich of course.
N&R Fantasy manager Martin Singleton tells me of a great story following his beloved Preston North End over Christmas. This is Martin's story:
"Being completed bored senseless back at work, I wondered if any other Fantasy League member travell
ed as many miles as me to watch footy and darts over the Christmas period?
Me and Mrs S went up to Preston on Sat 23rd Dec to see the mighty (his words not mine) PNE beat Colchester 1-0 (Nugent) - total distance 246 miles.
We then came back down on Boxing day to see the Darts World Championships at Purfleet the next day - another 246
miles. (Actually think Martin played!)
Then we were up at 4.30am on Saturday 30th Dec to fly up to Newcastle to see Sunderland v Preston - another 0-1 (Nugent.) - total distance 281miles approx.
We got completed bladdered (wankered for our southern friends and hammered for our American friends) in Newcastle on Saturday night (bed at 2.00am) but were up at 7.00am for flight back to Stansted - another 281 miles.
We were supposed to go into town on NYE to see the fireworks but fell asleep on the settee and couldn't be arsed when we woke up!
Total distance travelled - approx 1054 miles. Total pints (English pints, not small American ones) drunk on those 3 days - approx 33 + the odd glass of vino tinto.
1. Can any other member of the Nobby & Ready Fantasy League beat this?
Anyone out there? Francey? Godders? Knouse?
2. Would PNE be completely sh!t@ if we sold Nugent?
Probably yes, but think that the price Simpson has put on his head will scare teams off. I really hope PNE go up this year.
Happy New Year to you all.
Martin Singleton, pie eater and global traveller.
N&R Fantasy manager Martin Singleton tells me of a great story following his beloved Preston North End over Christmas. This is Martin's story:
"Being completed bored senseless back at work, I wondered if any other Fantasy League member travell
ed as many miles as me to watch footy and darts over the Christmas period?Me and Mrs S went up to Preston on Sat 23rd Dec to see the mighty (his words not mine) PNE beat Colchester 1-0 (Nugent) - total distance 246 miles.
We then came back down on Boxing day to see the Darts World Championships at Purfleet the next day - another 246
miles. (Actually think Martin played!)Then we were up at 4.30am on Saturday 30th Dec to fly up to Newcastle to see Sunderland v Preston - another 0-1 (Nugent.) - total distance 281miles approx.
We got completed bladdered (wankered for our southern friends and hammered for our American friends) in Newcastle on Saturday night (bed at 2.00am) but were up at 7.00am for flight back to Stansted - another 281 miles.
We were supposed to go into town on NYE to see the fireworks but fell asleep on the settee and couldn't be arsed when we woke up!
Total distance travelled - approx 1054 miles. Total pints (English pints, not small American ones) drunk on those 3 days - approx 33 + the odd glass of vino tinto.
1. Can any other member of the Nobby & Ready Fantasy League beat this?
Anyone out there? Francey? Godders? Knouse?
2. Would PNE be completely sh!t@ if we sold Nugent?
Probably yes, but think that the price Simpson has put on his head will scare teams off. I really hope PNE go up this year.
Happy New Year to you all.
Martin Singleton, pie eater and global traveller.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Saveall to last
Breaking news 8888 Serie B week 20 scores
Ryan Saveall’s final week of the 2006 saw Savchenko Spurs grab the Serie B title from under the nose of Cristiano’s allstars. Richard knew as much by making wholesale changes to his team today but it was dreaded way for him to lose the prize money after leading the table for 7 weeks.
Savchenko’s 88 points, 14 more than Richard, meant that he will collect the £30 prize and start The Premiership in week 21 on top. Wizzi’s wonders and Hannoi Utd climbed the table to give themselves a lift for the first week of The Premiership.
The big shock was Ahshay Reddy losing out after spending an incredible 19 out of 20 weeks in the top 12. His lowly 54 points saw him miss out to Rob Munden’s Thieving Chelsea gits by just 4 points. Well done to Rob but huge commiserations to Shay, whose Jonny Forskins were dreadfully unlucky to miss out in their first ever N&R season but they will start The Championship as early favourites.
Rose’s Rovers also missed out and will be disappointed after actually leading the table in week's 10 and 11.
Ryan Saveall’s final week of the 2006 saw Savchenko Spurs grab the Serie B title from under the nose of Cristiano’s allstars. Richard knew as much by making wholesale changes to his team today but it was dreaded way for him to lose the prize money after leading the table for 7 weeks.
Savchenko’s 88 points, 14 more than Richard, meant that he will collect the £30 prize and start The Premiership in week 21 on top. Wizzi’s wonders and Hannoi Utd climbed the table to give themselves a lift for the first week of The Premiership.
The big shock was Ahshay Reddy losing out after spending an incredible 19 out of 20 weeks in the top 12. His lowly 54 points saw him miss out to Rob Munden’s Thieving Chelsea gits by just 4 points. Well done to Rob but huge commiserations to Shay, whose Jonny Forskins were dreadfully unlucky to miss out in their first ever N&R season but they will start The Championship as early favourites.
Rose’s Rovers also missed out and will be disappointed after actually leading the table in week's 10 and 11.
Feet's a shoe-in
Breaking news 8888 Serie A week 20 scores
As expected Barwick & Higgs’ Flighty Feet scoop the £30 prize for winning Serie A with Kirsty’s Glasgow kiss in 2nd.
Rooney & Ronaldo’s rockstars stormed up the table after their magnificent week 20 as did Christian Dailly football genius. #1 Strugglers and Lovejoy slipped a little but the top 6 was tight.
East Indian summer and the Underwriting cop all gained ground as the teams finished the first half of the season. The big news being that Living in Sin finished with a flurry an qualify at the expense of James Down’s Massive Tackle, who fail to qualify for The Premiership despite spending the last 7 weeks in the play-off zone. James’ terrible week opened the door for Dougal, who hectic end of year ended with promotion. It just remains to be seen if he can push on to challenge for honours or will struggle against relegation.
As expected Barwick & Higgs’ Flighty Feet scoop the £30 prize for winning Serie A with Kirsty’s Glasgow kiss in 2nd.
Rooney & Ronaldo’s rockstars stormed up the table after their magnificent week 20 as did Christian Dailly football genius. #1 Strugglers and Lovejoy slipped a little but the top 6 was tight.
East Indian summer and the Underwriting cop all gained ground as the teams finished the first half of the season. The big news being that Living in Sin finished with a flurry an qualify at the expense of James Down’s Massive Tackle, who fail to qualify for The Premiership despite spending the last 7 weeks in the play-off zone. James’ terrible week opened the door for Dougal, who hectic end of year ended with promotion. It just remains to be seen if he can push on to challenge for honours or will struggle against relegation.
Solid as a Rockstar
Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 20
It was the make or break week, plenty of games and points to play for and the week when promotion and relegation was decided.
In recent years the best weekly points total has been bettered each season and this one is no different as John Littig, who is soon to depart this great city to go and work and live in Philadelphia cracked an unbelievable 132 points to finish the first half of the season. Mark Dewberry held the previous record best with 126.
John's record score saw Rooney & Ronaldo’s rockstars climb 6 places in the Serie A table and rightfully have high hopes of clinching some end of season silverware.
Elsewhere no one could get near John, the best being Ben Graves and his Christian Daily Genius who only appeared in the play-off places 3 weeks ago to finish 5th after scoring 113 points. Brian Dougal’s Living in Sin looked out of contention but they hit a phenomenal 101 points in week 20 to claim a play-off place after being out of the promotion picture for a month. The man to lose out was James Down, whose Massive Tackle (cough, cough) netted just 36 points in the final week of the year.
98 points any other week would have us all taking notice but in week 20 East Indian summer and Wizzi’s wonders both hit this excellent score but saw 3 other managers beat it.
Another Johnny come lately was Aaron Barden who more than secured his promotion with a 97 point total to allow Fuddy Munsters to finish 4th in Serie A. Francey showed what we can expect in the 2nd half of the season in The Championship when he’s Vote Seagull Party clobbered 95, a point more than Thieving Chelsea gits.
Rob Munden’s team had trod water out of the play-off zone for 9 weeks after a good start but in week 20 it was his turn to put on the magic as 94 points was enough to put noses out of joint and scrape into The Premiership.
93 points was enough for previous champion Ready and Hannoi Utd to qualify but not so for Frank & Beans but Tim & Dennis’ recent form gives them real hope.
Glasgow kiss and Brighton Blues both finished the first part of the campaign off well scoring 92 and 91 points respectively. Serie B Champions Savchenko Spurs’ 88 points was enough for them to grab the title.
82 points for Roubles FC kept Johnny Mac swinging along as it did for Nut Meg and the same for #1 Strugglers, who added 81 to their total. All three will play Premiership fantasy football in the new year.
In a week with literally 100’s of points available Nobby let himself down badly by crashing to just 24 points, his 4th worst week of the season. I had consigned myself to The Championship a few weeks back, but now North of Crystal Palarse start horribly disadvantaged.
Meanwhile Le Guen’s revolution, which has been put paid to at Glasgow Rangers should also get the same fate at Lee Baughan’s fantasy team. Sweaty’s last few months have been a disaster and an awful score of just 14 points in week 20, 118 less than John Littig, see’s his team start The Championship in week 21 way last.
It was the make or break week, plenty of games and points to play for and the week when promotion and relegation was decided.
In recent years the best weekly points total has been bettered each season and this one is no different as John Littig, who is soon to depart this great city to go and work and live in Philadelphia cracked an unbelievable 132 points to finish the first half of the season. Mark Dewberry held the previous record best with 126.
John's record score saw Rooney & Ronaldo’s rockstars climb 6 places in the Serie A table and rightfully have high hopes of clinching some end of season silverware.
Elsewhere no one could get near John, the best being Ben Graves and his Christian Daily Genius who only appeared in the play-off places 3 weeks ago to finish 5th after scoring 113 points. Brian Dougal’s Living in Sin looked out of contention but they hit a phenomenal 101 points in week 20 to claim a play-off place after being out of the promotion picture for a month. The man to lose out was James Down, whose Massive Tackle (cough, cough) netted just 36 points in the final week of the year.
98 points any other week would have us all taking notice but in week 20 East Indian summer and Wizzi’s wonders both hit this excellent score but saw 3 other managers beat it.
Another Johnny come lately was Aaron Barden who more than secured his promotion with a 97 point total to allow Fuddy Munsters to finish 4th in Serie A. Francey showed what we can expect in the 2nd half of the season in The Championship when he’s Vote Seagull Party clobbered 95, a point more than Thieving Chelsea gits.
Rob Munden’s team had trod water out of the play-off zone for 9 weeks after a good start but in week 20 it was his turn to put on the magic as 94 points was enough to put noses out of joint and scrape into The Premiership.
93 points was enough for previous champion Ready and Hannoi Utd to qualify but not so for Frank & Beans but Tim & Dennis’ recent form gives them real hope.
Glasgow kiss and Brighton Blues both finished the first part of the campaign off well scoring 92 and 91 points respectively. Serie B Champions Savchenko Spurs’ 88 points was enough for them to grab the title.
82 points for Roubles FC kept Johnny Mac swinging along as it did for Nut Meg and the same for #1 Strugglers, who added 81 to their total. All three will play Premiership fantasy football in the new year.
In a week with literally 100’s of points available Nobby let himself down badly by crashing to just 24 points, his 4th worst week of the season. I had consigned myself to The Championship a few weeks back, but now North of Crystal Palarse start horribly disadvantaged.
Meanwhile Le Guen’s revolution, which has been put paid to at Glasgow Rangers should also get the same fate at Lee Baughan’s fantasy team. Sweaty’s last few months have been a disaster and an awful score of just 14 points in week 20, 118 less than John Littig, see’s his team start The Championship in week 21 way last.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Road to Wembley - Albion bummed
West Ham, the team we followed to last years final will once again be N&R FL's team this season after they put pay to a brave Brighton side in the 3rd Round on Saturday.After an even first half in pouring rain a nervous Hammers took the lead on 49 minutes. A looping cross from Boa Morte on the left was headed back up into the penalty area. Tevez simply nodded the ball back down into the path of MARK NOBLE, who dispatched a cool finish into the bottom right corner for his first West Ham goal.
Brighton almost equalised when Revell had timed a run perfectly - but made a complete hash of an attempted diving header and missed the ball with the goal at his mercy following a deep cross.
Brighton had to go for it now, and enjoyed a spell of good possession as 5,000 Seagulls packed into the Centenary Stand got behind them. However, they looked vulnerable on the counter-attack, and so it proved as West Ham doubled their lead after 58 minutes.
Tevez broke down the right, and his low centre went across goal, where Boa Morte picked it up.
The new signing chipped the ball back into the six-yard box, where CARLTON COLE was on hand to volley in - with the visitors appealing in vain for offside.
Brighton struggled to rouse a late rally and, with virtually the last touch of the game, HAYDEN MULLINS rose unmarked in injury time to head home Shaun Newton's cross to seal the hosts' victory and leave the visitors still searching for a first third-round win in 14 years.
Brighton Team: Henderson, O'Cearuill, Lynch, Butters, Mayo, Fraser (Hart 51), El-Abd, Hammond, Frutos (Rents 67), Revell (Gatting 84), Robinson.
Subs Not Used: Kuipers, Carpenter.
Att: 32,874
2006 / 2007 Prize Money Announced
The following will be the prize money splits for the current season. There will be no less than 61 opportunities to earn a prize, enough to go around, that is unless you are generally crap, a bit like me.
Here we go:
The Premiership
N&R FL Champion £200 + the much sought after N&R winners trophy
Runner Up £140
3rd £100
4th £80
5th £60
6th £50
7th £25
Relegation The bottom 8 teams will be relegated to The Championship.
The Championship
Winner £100
Runner Up £70
3rd £50
4th £30
5th £20
6th £10
7th £10
8th £10
*The top 8 clubs will be promoted to The Premiership
26th £10
Other prizes
N&R Team Challenge Trophy
Best weekly score £25
Worst weekly score £25
Serie A Champion £30
Serie B Champion £30
Manager of the week 40 weeks x £5 = £200
Prizes paid in £ or $ equivalent depending on domicile of manager.
Good luck to everyone and another plea - if you have yet to pay please make your cheques payable to me and send them to:
8 Paddock Gardens
Wannock
Polegate
E Sussex
BN26 5PW
Or even better stick it in my bank account. Details here:
Simon J Newport
NatWest
Sort Code 56 00 18
A/C no. 08164193
Thank you.
Here we go:
The Premiership
N&R FL Champion £200 + the much sought after N&R winners trophy
Runner Up £140
3rd £100
4th £80
5th £60
6th £50
7th £25
Relegation The bottom 8 teams will be relegated to The Championship.
The Championship
Winner £100
Runner Up £70
3rd £50
4th £30
5th £20
6th £10
7th £10
8th £10
*The top 8 clubs will be promoted to The Premiership
26th £10
Other prizes
N&R Team Challenge Trophy
Best weekly score £25
Worst weekly score £25
Serie A Champion £30
Serie B Champion £30
Manager of the week 40 weeks x £5 = £200
Prizes paid in £ or $ equivalent depending on domicile of manager.
Good luck to everyone and another plea - if you have yet to pay please make your cheques payable to me and send them to:
8 Paddock Gardens
Wannock
Polegate
E Sussex
BN26 5PW
Or even better stick it in my bank account. Details here:
Simon J Newport
NatWest
Sort Code 56 00 18
A/C no. 08164193
Thank you.
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