My kinda town rewind

October 29 2004
This is basically an average day on the news channel here in the Land of the Free:

"Welcome to today's news program. These are the local headlines. Someone got shot, a house got burnt down and there's more corruption in our City. The National news headlines are we have no flu vaccines so we are going to panic, the 2008 Presidential Election campaign starts next Wednesday, I-raq, I-raq and I-raq, Famous film star bares top of her breast at awards night - it's disgusting and I-raq. Also apparently someone was killed in Afghanistan - wherever and whoever they are?

In Sport, shock, horror as American champion athlete tests positive for taking drugs, Cubs lose, Bears lose, Bulls lose, Blackhawks would have lost but the players are on strike.Today's weather will start in the 80's, turning colder by lunchtime with 10 inches of snow by dinner time (which of course is pretty much all day!).

And finally, the World news. Oh, there is no World news today, although according to sources close to the royal family, i.e. Fergie, Prince William farted this morning when he awoke.

Thank you and God bless America."

December 14 2004
Chicago taxi drivers are the worst in the world. Admittedly I have not been in a taxi in every country in the world but I have spent a few quid on taxi's in my time.Now I know I have been used to London cabs and one of my best mates is a black cab driver so I am biased but you can hail a cab and ask them to go to the smallest shittiest lane in the middle of West London and the cab driver will say, " Ok guv, jump in" and they will take you there. Simple as that. Ok, you might get a life story as well but the fact is they know where they are going.

Chicago cabbies do not have a fuckin Scoobies. One, they don't speak English. Not even American! Two, they ask you how to get to where you want to go. Three, they spend the whole time talking on their cell phones in a language you have never heard off. Four, the cars are shit heaps. Five, they drive like lunatics and are constantly pressing their horn and shouting abuse at other cars. Six, they normally get lost and ask you if you know where it is you want to go, "No, let me explain Mr Cab driver. I am an Insurance broker, you are a cabbie. You fucking tell me!" And Seven, they then want and expect a bloody tip.The other day I had a raging row with a cabbie because he clearly didn't know where he was going. He took me miles out of my way and then started moaning that the roads were new. Well if you call 1871 - when the grid system was put into place after the Great Chicago Fire - new then I suppose you're right you useless twat.

March 7th, 2006
Have you ever seen the average American eat? Who teaches these people to eat their food? It's not that they eat with their mouths open, or it dribbles down their chin or that they eat a lot, that goes without saying. But it's the way they hold their knife and fork. I couldn't copy what they do if I tried.

I don't know about you, but my charm school in Catford only taught me one way - fork in the left hand held between thumb and middle finger with the forefinger exerting pressure, and the knife in the right hand the same way. Picture on the right.

Here in the US the knife doesn't actually gets used much at all as people sweep, stab or rip at their food with a fork but when they do use both implements it is incredible.

Firstly there seems no hard or fast rule about which hand you put each utensil in. Secondly they just seem to stab their food with the fork - you have to see it to believe it, words do not do it justice, and then they just saw at it with the knife. Please don't try this at home only the ambidextrous will manage it and it could cause accidents.

Next time you are in an American steak house, promise me you'll have a look.

Now, you all know how sad I am, but I just entered "how to hold a knife and fork" into Google and I found a site called Mind your manners and it tells of kids taking etiquette lessons in Salt Lake City, where of course polygamy is quite acceptable, so maybe this is not a good example!!

However, the picture on the left here is entitled: "Kara Komarnitsky of Draper works to cut her chicken using the proper technique."

Now, perhaps its me? But if I ate my chicken like that as a kid, I would have got a slap around the back of the head.

But this is what I look at when I peer around the table in a posh restaurant. Tongues out and everything, honest!

Shit, I've just realised, they must look at me, the token dainty bloke in the corner, holding my knife and fork like the Queen and think I'm a weirdo.