If You - Martin Singleton

Amazingly short on mentioning Martin's first love of food, pies does get one mention though, Preston nut Martin Singleton this week talks about Flashman, fat birds and what a lucky bugger than Ronaldo bloke is, but not as lucky as Penelope Cruz's brother apparently!

If You
Name: Martin Singleton
Nickname: Barney Rubble
I Support: Preston North End
Birthplace: Preston

1) If you weren’t in insurance, what would you do for a living?
If I had my time again I would be a journalist. I love writing sh!te and nonsense and suspect I would be quite good at the Sun.

2) If you could be someone else for the day, who would you be?
I’d be Phil Taylor on the day of the London Insurance darts league singles competition but I’d probably still get bladdered and throw a load of old toss.

3) If you could be a fly on the wall anywhere, where would it be?
At the moment you would love to be in Newcastle board room. What a shambles the looney in charge is making up there. Allardyce is a good manager who would have done well eventually and they have replaced him with hopelessly optimistic Keegan (another looney) and that hateful little sh!t Wise. A good laugh for everyone else though.

4) If you could have those x-ray eyes that could see through clothing, who would you look at first?
Probably Penelope Cruz who is the fittest woman on’t telly at the moment. And she snogs another woman in her brothers video. Fantastic and that Spanish accent too.

5) If you could be any footballer past or present, who would it be?
Must be Christiano Ronaldo – look at money and women that guy will have over his life. It will put Beckham to shame by the time he’s 30. The lucky lucky b@stard.

6) If you could change the team you support, who would you change it to?
Celtic – nosiest ground I have ever been on and the best laugh in the pubs before and after the game but you need a translator to understand many of the songs………...especially the ones about killing all the Brits………………

7) If you worked at airport security, who would you like to search knowing that you can be as obnoxious as you like?
Ashley Cole – I hate that arrogant w@nker……………….and then his misses afterwards (ex-misses by the time this goes out.)

8) If you were the Prime Minister or President, what would be the first thing you did?
Nationalise the railways and buses and make them work properly for us and not the fat greedy useless scum that run these companies now. (U can tell I have been delayed a tad in the cold this week!)

9) If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you bought?
A stretch of the Tay or Spey for a spot of fishing, a massive f#ck off cruiser somewhere nice like Bermuda, and my own wee nature reserve somewhere like the whole of Norfolk.

10) If you could invent anything, what would it be?
The transporter off Star trek. Not for anything trivial like inter-galactic exploration obviously but wouldn’t it be brill to instantly be off to Dublin for a pub crawl and then instantly home again! Or back up North in a second for proper pies! The advantages are endless eh.

11) If you could have starred in a movie, which one would it be?
“Apocalypse Now” is my fave film so I would have to be Martin Sheen in that.

12) If you could have been at any football game, which one would it have been?
World Cup final 1966 – will we ever see England in a world cup final again?? In my lifetime?

13) If you could make one of your dreams real, which one would it be?
Being a rogue trader for Societe Generale and not getting caught and then putting all the billions cash into PNE to dominate Europe…………………………
or perhaps even avoid relegation to league 1.

14) If you could live the life of any person in history, who would it be?
Brigadier-General Sir Harry Paget Flashman VC KCB KCIE (5th May 1822 – 1915)

Although a fictional character the following sums up my thoughts nicely:

“Humor in the Flashman papers generally runs to Drinking Gambling and Whoring with a healthy mix of derogatory and disparaging remarks aimed at betters and those in authority”

Nuff said.

15) If you were born again, would you want to come back as the opposite sex?
Wouldn’t bother me, there’s plenty of fat birds out drinking pints these days so I wouldn’t feel out of place in the East India. Wouldn’t fancy being groped by the fat b@stard blokes (like me) that go in there though.