My kinda town

I was reading yesterday about a couple shagging during a Wisconsin Badgers American Football match (my adopted team by the way and not only for this reason). The man, aged 22 and a woman, aged 23 were caught in a bathroom trap (number 2 I believe) literally with their pants down by a cop, who supposedly was helping another fan suffering from heat-exhaustion - yeh right!

The couple "were going at it pretty good" but their fun came to an end when the copper burst in. The report said that the girl had her pants on inside out and had also lost her season ticket, which was a good thing because it was about to be confiscated. The bloke shrugged and insisted that all they were doing was having a pee together - well, whatever rocks your boat.

Anyone reading this outside of the USA will need to take into account that this couple were from Wisconsin and booze and hot-dogs probably played their part!

This story of course got me thinking. I did once have a stiffy when Clive Mendonca scored a sublime winner at Tranmere one Friday night but sex is something not normally on my mind at a footie match, ever since they got rid of the majorettes that is. If anything a loss will always spark abstinence in my house and a win would mean 10 pints of lager, so shagging would never be a possibility but you got love those Badgers.

Birds World Cup (TM)

Interest in the Birds World Cup(TM) here I'd imagine has been greater than that at home. Women here are particularly into it, whereas I would suggest that the men are only watching it to see those tight shorts that Sepp Blatter decided to make compulsory.

So have we been watching? Has it been really awful? Or has it kind of been sexy in a mud wrestling kind of way without the mud or the wrestling? Lets be fair those birds play pretty tough don't they? No room for prima-donna's, or Christian Ronaldo's eh?

From what I have seen the passing and movement has been pretty good, some teams a lot better than others. You could see how they were trying to establish passages of play but the players were too often let down by the final ball or lack of general power and strength. The goalkeeping is bloody appalling mind and cringe-worthy at times.

I have only seen snippets on the box, and little of England up until Saturday when I got up early to watch the USA v England quarter final. There I was cereal bowl, cup of tea and the country of my birth versus the country of my residence. Excited? Nope, when the USA took the lead, I just shrugged. This is not really England is it? It's just 11 birds running around with an England shirt on. What did the people at home think?

I read that the BBC viewing figure for the quarter final was 1.9m but the commentating was crap. Two birds actually commentated on the game here, one Julie Foudy used to play, she has 271 caps (!) and also does the mens games as well.

The Americans were too strong but then again girls start playing soccer here from the age of 5 and believe me, some are very good. There are high expectations that they will go on and win the 'world series of soccerball.'

The last four consist of Norway, Germany, Brazil and the Yanks and the crowds should be decent for these games despite hosts China going out. However when Fifa seek to massage their Birds world cup(TM) message into a tale of unqualified success, please treat it with a healthy dose of scepticism. Stories of contrived 'rent-a-crowd' have surfaced almost every game. 'Fans' sat staring blankly ahead each wearing white t-shirts – the uniform, apparently, of those whom the organisers have enticed from the Shanghai schools and streets to the best seats in the house.
One earlier England game, was said to have sold 900 tickets but the official attendance was 27,146! When the world is watching for signs of China's ability to stage an attractive, atmospheric Olympics next year, appearances count.

My kinda town

Liz Keiller left Chicago today after a weekend of eating me out of tortilla chips and guacamole and drinking me and about 5 bars in the city out of pinot grigio and tequilla.

I don't remember Liz being much of a margarita drinker down the Jumbo but she certainly got the taste as she drunk about 24 of them on Saturday night. Those who know her will also be very pleased that she still buys $50 bottles of wine and then pours sparkling water on top of it. Don't see the point myself but imagine it is like throwing up after having a bloody good curry, i.e. a complete waste of fucking money.

She was in great form, happily living together with her trucker of a boyfriend in Watford, where their live consists of pinot grigio, pellegrino and yorkie bars. She seemed very happy to be out of the insurance market, although I did mention that if I was being brutally honest Corney & Barrow and Balls Brothers were not officially considered to be markets.

She asked me to pass her love onto everyone particularly Ready, who she remembered had made a love-pact to marry about 15 years ago, but he ran off to Thailand instead. Ready got a gorgeous looker and Liz got a balding trucker - there is no justice in this world.

Hargis Hammers top score

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 6
Thank fuck it wasn't Aaron Barden again, I was running out of headlines. Paul Hargis was this week's MoW with 51 points. A fiver will be invested in Northern Rock for Paul. The 2nd best week 6 score was another newcomer Greg Foulder. Then Ben Graves was the top jock in Div 1 and Danny Rose celebrated a big win for him by scoring the 4th best.

Next up were fine week's for Barwick & Higgs, Rutts, Chris Wright, Lee Day and ol' money bags himself Aaron Barden.

Other scores of note were had by Mark Simmons, a season best, and Paul Kelleher, the same as well as John Littig, likewise.

The worst performer was also the tallest, Davor Duvancic was giving it large the other day about Croatia beating England, well I don't know how well he did in week 6 but I gave him just 7 points anyway.

Barden sees some daylight

Breaking news 8888 Division 1 - week 6 news
Still Ajax Treesdown lead the way and a big gap has been opened at the top by Aaron of 28 points. Shall we hand him the trophy now Ready?

Sleepless Knights and Obafemi & the Femidoms swap places but only a point separates them in 2nd and 3rd. Another gap is down to 4th and Egg & (Stevie) Bacon lead the chasing pack.

In 7th Hannoi Utd make the top 7 after being in the relegation zone 4 weeks ago. Lesson for us all there. Runningoutofroubles FC move up two spots, Coming from behind again climb 3 places so do Space Badgers.

The bottom 8 remain unchanged but Tally.Wacker.co.uk move away from the drop zone.

Arsene Know all

Breaking news 8888 Division 2 - week 6 news
A new leader in Div 2 as Arsene Knows hit the summit after a 45-point week. Danny will have celebrated Arsene's new contract at the Emirates, which includes allowing him to 'coach' the under 8's as well, a potential sticking point in the negotiations I understand. Boswell's Megan & Hannah's bears fall to 2nd after 4 weeks on top, with Student Uprising continuing their good form into 3rd.

4th is Boys on Tour, who have settled in nicely to the hustle and bustle of N&R FL Div 2 football, certainly a tougher proposition that underwriting business at RSA. Just below Greg is Barrett the bollocks and Emirates FC and back in the early promotion places is Premiership here we come.

The biggest climber was MoW Paul Hargis. 24th last time, now 12th - great going by Harg's Hammers and Last train to Seaford also gained some good ground climbing from 21st to 16th.

Nipple Antennae stay rooted to the bottom but don't worry Tim, this is not really the world series, just like American sports, no one else on the planet cares about this league.

Road to Wembley - Quorn beef

Looks like the N&R FL Road to Wembley will be going vegetarian after Quorn FC tofued Alvechurch 5-0 in the 1st Qualifying Round last Saturday. According to limited reporting on the game Quorn had 5 attempts and scored every time. Quorn, who are based in Leicestershire play Evesham Utd in the next round on September 29th.

More on Unibond Division One South side Quorn FC soon.

New Bin Laden tape

Bin Laden has just sent a new TV message to prove he’s still alive. He said "Tottenham lost to Arsenal on Saturday." British Intelligence have dismissed it saying "It could have been recorded at any time in the last 12 years!"

Week 5

No such thing as the International break happened and I don't know about you but I think we can actually win the European Cup now don't you? I mean Scotland might be our biggest threat but really I do think Steve McClaren is absolutely the best thing that has happened to us since Sir Alf Ramsey, hick....

Back with week 6 soon, hick....

My kinda town

Been on a bit of travelling spell since the week 3 scores. So late with week 4 I'm afraid. I was in Las Vegas for a stag, sorry bachelor party. It was a good time then last week I was in New York working long days and drinking long nights, all with very important people you know....

No time to meet up with Barry, not that you're not important, sorry mate. This weekend I have an old mate coming to visit me in Chicago who some of you may remember. Liz Keiller, now a stay at home, well girlfriend I suppose. She has been a lady of leisure since she left Aon almost 2 years ago. I'm looking forward to seeing her. Then my brother is here, so pretty much after tonight I will be on the lash every night for 2 weeks.

That's it and just one further thought. Why do Americans have to supplement their lite beer drinking bollocks with rounds of shots? Why not just drink a stronger beer? Far more sensible in my book.

Rant over

Question. Can Liverpool win the league for the first time? Of course those previous 18 titles no longer count as football only started in this country in 1992 according to the suits in charge at the Premier League and Sky.

The Reds are looking pretty good aren't they? They hit top of the table before the international break for the first time in 5 years with Voronin, Babel and Torres all looking astute signings by the goateed one, particularly Richard Nathan's love child Fernando Torres, the new Kenny Daglish according to some-car-watching scouse scallies.

Man U look very average, no striker of note except sick note Saha and Tevez is looking very ordinary since he replaced Rooney.

Arsenal fans will be happy that Arsene has signed a new contract, but David Dein and dodgy Russian gazillionaires with bags of cash are hovering on the horizon ready to disrupt the sleepy marble walls of Ashburton Grove.

Chelsea and the Special One started like they had found the page in the coaching manual entitled 'attacking' but have gone back into the chapter headed 'boring' and have now won only 1 of their last 4 games.

And of course those four are the only contenders because no one else will get near them. Or will they? Man City with the Svenster? Don't make me laugh. Aston Villa? Nope, too inconsistent. West Ham. Yeh until Curbs poops his pants and starts defending 0-0 draws at home. Blackburn? Would be a decent bet but they will have so many suspensions to deal with by Christmas. Evertonzzzzzzzzzzzz, and what about Newcastle? Yes, what about Newcastle?

Did someone mention Spurs? In the top 4? I can see the Emirates stadium's shoulders going up down trying to control the laughter. Oh and wasn't Darren Bent good value at 16.5mill?

So Liverpool it is then, will make a nice change I suppose and will put them equal on titles with Dirty Leeds.

Talking of Dirty Leeds, down in Div 3 they deserve a N&R mention. 6 wins on the trot. Congratulations to Chelsea plants Wise, Poyet, and Uncle Ken Bates.

Oh and the Birds World Cup has started in China. The Americans are favourites only because they take it seriously. England have qualified after beating the dirty Argies 6-1 earlier today. You know what I make take more of an interest, particularly if they heeded Sepp Blatter's request for tighter shorts.

More on the Birds WC(TM) next week.

Ten spot for Barden

Breaking News 88888 Manager of week 4
Week 4 and Aaron Barden wins the MoW again, that's a tenner the boy has banked already. Has he paid Ready??

50 points, identical from last week was enough for Barden to snatch the MoW, 5 more than Rob Beere and 6 more than Nobby.

In fact in Div 1 the nearest to Aaron were ex-champs Ryan Saveall and Ready, who both scored 38, 12 less than the winner. In Div 2 others did better. Neil Cryer scored 40 and league leader Alex Boswell also socred 38.

Other scores of note were Emma Wylie's 36, Paul Hargis' 37, Barry Paull's 35 and for all the wrong reason's Paul Long's 2 points, Ian Kennett's 9 and Tim Feldbruegge who scored 10.

Paul Long now owns the two worst weekly scores this season. Congratulations Mutley.

Lazy days and Mondays at AIG

Breaking news 8888 Division 1 - week 4 news
A new leader in week 4 as Ajax Treesdown took over from Obafemi & the Femidoms as early season leaders. Aaron scoring big for the 2nd week in succession. Surely they must have more to do at AIG than just play fantasy football league all day, like helping Francey with his excel for example.

Sleepless Knights remain 3rd, also clearly doing bugger all at work, and Flighty Feet in 5th.... Francey, I see a theme developing here.... Oh hang on, your Keep the faith are 6th, is there any point doing a Team Challenge Trophy table?

Egg & (Stevie) Bacon are dropping faster than Britney's pants and just outside the main challengers are Tora Tora Torres and Hannoi Utd, who a team in form. Further down NY Eagles are on the march upwards, just as Pure Irish are going backwards. Thank god, someone at AIG is doing some poxy work.

The bottom 8 stay the same but Suzie's Sausages sizzled up 3 places.

Inverted Nipple

Breaking news 8888 Division 2 - week 4 news
Megan & Hannah's Bears streched their lead slightly and stayed top of the table for the 4th consecutive week. Arsene Knows remain in 2nd with 3rd place the Barrett's Bollocks. Next are Emirates FC who top scored in Div 2 in week 4, Student Uprising drop to 5th and the early promotion party threw open its doors to Emma's Wylie Coyotes after an impressive 36 points.

Californication and Boys on Tour make up the top 6 with Premiership here we come, Carnarvon Kickers, Rochdale at Lloyds and the mighty Nobs Jockeys, who have finally got their shit together, close behind.

What the hell now take up reign in the 2nd worst team in the world place with Nipple Antennae tuning out completely in last place.

Letters

These are actual letters that appeared in Sports Illustrated the other week. I think the phrase which includes arse, get, head, out and of comes to mind.

"If I invite David Beckham over to the house to watch paint dry on the walls, will that make it more exciting? I don't think so. Soccer in the United States was boring before David Beckham, and it will be boring with David Beckham."

Steve Shaeval, Woodland Hills, California

"Every few years we go through something like this. That Hamm woman was going to make us a soccer nation. Some US team or other winning a few games or other a few years ago was going to do it. Now Beckham is going to change our lives. Please. Neither I nor any sports fan I know would walk to the window if they were playing the world series of soccer in our front yard. I'm not demeaning the game, I'm just ignoring it. Please let me do so in peace."

Alfred Munsell, Laconia, New Hampshire

Road to Wembley - Alvec moi

Alvechurch beat Bolehall Swifts 3-1 on Saturday in the FA Cup Preliminary Round. They progress to the 1st Qualifying Round and only another 96 rounds before they get to Wembley. Go on the Church!

LEE CHILTON gave his side the lead after 32 minutes but Swifts struck back moments before half-time. But KEITH ROSTILL gave his side the lead yet again after 67 minutes and made sure 'Church's name was in the hat for the next round by grabbing his second in injury time.

86 hardy soles were at Bolehill, which is somewhere near Tamworth apparently to see Alvechurch's victory and they now play the meat free Quorn FC in the next Round on September 15th. I believe we have come across Quorn in our Road to Wembley's before. In fact, just looked them up and Luke Varney of Charlton fame (sic) started his career there before signing for Crewe. Now you know....

Photo of the week

"What's the score Jordan, Jordan, what's the score?" Bragging rights to the Addicks after their 1-0 victory over Crystal Palarse Saturday.