My Kinda Town

Well I'm still here as you may have guessed. The summer has been a disappointment according to the locals, however it has been shit loads warmer than London. The summer of course brings out the best in people, but then again....

The latest things to annoy me about America and it's wonderful collection of passport-less people are:

1. The TV is truly appalling. From the production and the adverts through to the programming. Just recently I watched the 'grand finale' of Who wants to marry my Dad? Basically three daughters (all gorgeous obviously) that during the past few weeks had to choose between 13 women to be the wife of their Dad. Stacy 'won' for the record. God it was awful, particulary watching the happy couple 'make out' in front of the 3 grinning, tearful daughters. I will never moan about UK Gold again.

2. Power walking (it's even got a website). Now what is that all about? On the Lakeshore you literally see hundreds of normally large people walking fast. What are they late for something or do they have a bus catch? What?

3. I have got used to being greeted by shop staff like I was a long lost family member, but the other weekend during a power shop it did slowly drive me mad. I am going to get a sign and put it around my neck saying "yes I am very well thank you, and no I am only browsing and yes it is a fine day thank you". Americans, you gotta love em.

It's the Real Thing

After the ridiculous renaming of the Nationwide League's by Coca Cola this season, we have renamed our regular feature on the division's beyond The Premiership 'The Real Thing' because I'm sorry but it is clearly not!

Whilst the big shots Leicester, Wolves and Leeds United find themselves in the bottom half of the table, little Wigan Athletic with probably the best front line in the 'Championship' are very good value for their top spot after 5 games with twice promoted Plymouth, Stoke and Ipswich all close behind. Rotherham and a Robert Earnshaw less Cardiff occupy the two bottom places.

In the 'League One' Mike Newell's Luton Town, with one of the worst grounds in the country, are the only club outside of the Premiership with a 100% record with 6 straight wins. They are 6 points ahead of Colchester United and pre-season favourites Hull City. Meanwhile MK Dons got themselves of the bottom of the table with a 1-0 win against fellow strugglers Torquay United in front of 3,000 concrete cows at The National Franchise Stadium.

Scunthorpe and Bristol Rovers are the pacemakers in 'League Two' with Ian Rush's Chester City stranded at the foot of the table. Chester who sacked Mark Wright on the eve of the new season for a bit of a too close man-to-man marking job on one of his players wives, lost on Monday to Boston United who incidentially had Paul Gascoigne in their line up for the first time.

And in the Conference - not renamed the Cherry Cola or the Caffeine Free League or anything - Barnet top the table after 5 games with Aldershot 2nd and good old Gravesend & Northfleet in 3rd.

The Road to Cardiff - Down and Out

Despite scoring twice Odd Down FC went out of the FA Cup on Saturday at the first hurdle after losing away to Backwell United 3-2.

Tony Quoi opened the scoring for Down on 15 minutes when he rounded off a fine sweeping move, but United equalised 10 minutes later when Richard Hewitt smashed home a Bradley Haynes' through ball. United then ensured that they went in at half-time ahead when Hewitt was quickest to react after Mark Byrne's shot had hit a post. Mark Tilley equalised for our boys after the break but Ryan King made sure of the home win and progress to the next round when he fired past Tristan Westlake late on.

Odd Down manager Chris Mountford was left fuming afterwards, "When you go away from home and score two goals you expect to get something out of the game," raged Mountford. "But if people don't do the jobs you ask them to do then, as a manager, you are powerless. If players haven't got the initiative to take on board what the management are trying to say, you've got no chance. I think certain players are having trouble with the standards we are trying to set at this club." Ooooh!

That leaves Bristol based Backwell United to carry our baton onto Cardiff. They will meet Bridgewater Town, who also in the same division, on Saturday at the Backwell Recreation Ground (capacity 1,000) in the Preliminary Round.

I don't know much about our new heroes except this. I wonder if James Bird can help, who before his scintillating career in insurance plied his trade at nearby Banwell FC?

Day & McGowan out in front

Breaking News 8888 Week 1 scores 8888 Breaking News
John McGowan and Lee Day were quickest out of the blocks in this season's N&R FL. Both John's Luadjembamaccorone FC (that is a truly wank name) and Lee's You got more toes than us hit 44 points and will share the 5 quid Manager of the Week prize.

Barry Plummer started his title hunt well with 2Infinity & beyond scoring 43, whilst Danny Rose's Sweaty will be shagging shemales and Rutt's Goonersmoan lie joint 4th with 41 points. Barry, Brian & Danny all finished in the top 5 last year.

Last year's wooden spooner Danny Matthews, who must have phoned me 10 times whilst entering his team Danny's geeza's, had a sensational week by his standards scoring 39, the same as Robbos on Top (welcome back Mike, we've missed you), Galacticos FC and Hammers like coke (have I missed a Sun 'exclusive' whilst I've been away?). Suzie brings up the rear (her favourite position she always told me) in 10th with 38 for her Ping Pong Yo-Yo.

And would you adam and eve it our two American friends occupy the two bottom positions with Brian Dougal's Idiots guide to soccer on 11 points and Tim Feldbruegge's Cheeky American's in 46th place with 9. Quelle surprise!

Transfer deadline

Contrary to misleading reports (!) the weekly transfer deadline will remain Tuesday at 5pm. Email any changes to me at simon_newport@ars.aon.com and these will take effect for any Tuesday night games.

The Road to Cardiff - Odd Down FC

It seems like only a few weeks ago that Roy Keane lifted the most famous cup in football but on Saturday the FA Cup starts all over again with the Extra Preliminary Round, the first of 14 steps to the final at the Millennium Stadium in May.

Who can forget last season's brave exploits by our inherited team Dunston Federation Brewery - it was a honour to follow them for the first 6 rounds. This season I have chosen Odd Down FC, for no other reason than they have a ridiculous name.

Odd Down play in the Western Football Premier League and look, quite frankly, pretty crap. They have lost their first 3 games and sit bottom of the table.

Chris Mountford is Odd's Director of Football (they are having a laugh aren't they?) and their star players include Tom Windows and Tony Quoi.

Odd Town is based in the football hot-bed which is Bath - altogether now, "I can't read and I can't write but I can drive a tractor!" Quite.

Anyway our boys who play in a nice all yellow kit (with blue trim) play away to Backwell United in the Extra Prelim Round, who happen to be in the same division and have had an equally inauspicious start to the season.

So wherever you are on Saturday spare a thought for the Oddies who will be starting out in front of about 70 farmers on the 2004/05 N&R's Road to Cardiff.

A few things that will happen this season....

Now before you read this, please understand this was not written by me:

- Fergie starts his psychological games early, claiming the title is now Chelsea's to lose. In mid August.

- Norwich will be top by the end of August. A grinning Ray Stubbs will ask the Norwich MD, "What are you putting in the pies Delia?" Norwich will be rooted to the bottom by October. It turns out, Delia was putting horse tranquiliser in the pies.

- BBC producers decide to liven up Match of the Day by bringing back ITV's Tactics Truck driven by WBA's Lee Hughes.

- A Premiership manager will be sacked during September. The chairman will make it known he wants to talk to Martin O'Neill about the vacant position but what he won't tell the fans is he just wants to ask O'Neill for John Gregory or George Graham's phone number.

- A Londoner names his baby son after the entire Crystal Palace team. 'Relegation Fodder Thomson' faces a life of misery.

- Garth Crooks finally finishes one of his questions from the Euro 2004 press conference.

- Mark Viduka scores on his Boro debut, kisses the badge on his shirt and pledges that he "loves this club."

- Two weeks into the season, Harry Redknapp claims, "We're down to the bare bones."

- Arsene Wenger doesn't see any of the 48 red card incidents his players are involved in, including Patrick Vieira's drive-by shooting of Harry Kewell but he spots the 'funny look' Roy Keane gave Freddie Ljunberg and lodges an official complaint to the FA.

- Newcastle are involved in a new roasting scandal. But Kieran Dyer claims was nowhere near the canteen when the potatoes weren't properly basted.

- Crystal Palace win a £10 million sponsorship deal as Iain Dowie becomes the new face of Laboratorie Garnier

- After failing to notch in his next three games, Mark Viduka claims his family are unsettled in Teeside.

- Des Lynam is forced to try and look happy presenting 'You've Been Framed'.

- Wayne Rooney is pictured throwing a wobbly in Dixons, prompting the headline, 'It's Wayne Looney!'

- Mark Viduka issues, not so much a 'come and get me' plea, more a 'get me out of this sh*thole' request.

- David James is spotted wearing the puzzled expression of a dog trying to work out how to use a laptop as the ball nestles in the net behind him.

- Wayne Rooney is pictured baring his arse at Liverpool fans, prompting the headline, "It's Wayne Mooney!"

- Steve McClaren finally finishes that book he's been seen writing during every Middlesboro match.

- Ruud van Nistlerooy suffers a foot injury and is forced to be re-shoed.

- Wayne Rooney is pictured attempting to DJ in a nightclub, prompting the headline, "It's Wayne Spooney!"

- Peter Schmeichel finally manages to finish a sentence.

- On loan to Bolton, Mark Viduka scores on his debut, kisses the badge on his shirt and pledges that he "loves this club."

- Roman Abramovich continues to bid for anything that's Italian and pacey. Forcing Thierry Henry to accept a £4million bid for his wife's knackered Fiat Punto.

- After manager Santini is sacked, Spurs appoint yet another experienced caretaker until the end of the season. Hong Kong Phooey.

- The incident the tabloids have waited for. A Geordie psycho attacks Wayne Rooney with an item of cutlery, prompting the headline, "Toon Loon in Roon Spoon Fume!"

- After failing to notch in his next three games, Mark Viduka goes AWOL from Bolton.

- Having seen neighbour's Chelsea's bank balance, Fulham launch a new away strip 'green with envy'.

- Nicolas Anelka misses two games because of a troublesome calf. It refuses to leave his hotel room in the morning.

- Despite a 10 match losing streak, West Brom are tipped to stay in the Premiership for three more seasons. Autumn, Winter and Spring.

- Roman Abramovich starts to collect players like they were Panini stickers, offering Arsenal "two Joe Coles" for Patrick Vieira.

- Mark Viduka claims the alternator on his club BMW is a bit dicky and he may be forced to move clubs to get it fixed.

- Southampton are the latest club to be hit by a sex scandal. Striker Brett Omerod is accused of a one in a bed romp.

- At the Liverpool Christmas party, Phil Thompson arrives dressed as a pumpkin, but come midnight he still hasn't turned into a coach.

- CCTV footage captures Roy Keane ringing an old lady's doorbell then running away. An FA spokesman said, "This is just the sort of behaviour schoolkids are likely to copy."

- Southampton are without beanpole striker Peter Crouch for two months after the lanky streak of piss strikes a low bridge.

- Crystal Palace copy the Greek defensive system, appointing ex City coach Willie Donachie and Phil Babb just so they can boast a Donachie Babb combination.

- A shocking off the field incident cuts short Robbie Savage's career in top flight football. He's transferred to Charlton.

- Before the Manchester derby, Rio Ferdinand refuses a cortisone injection, claiming that he's had enough of Italian motors.

- Blackburn manager Graeme Souness claims he's happy with the four draws his club got over the Xmas period. They're from Ikea and fit snugly under his desk.

- Newcastle's plan to launch a stamp with Lee Bowyer's head on the front was axed when officials feared people would spit on the wrong side.

- Gerard Houllier admits to being involved in transfer fraud. "It's true," said Houllier, ""I did get Birmingham to pay £6million for Emile Heskey."

- The mystery of the huge crop circles discovered at Fratton Park is solved when they were found to match the exact turning circle of David Unsworth.

- WBA look set to land their first big name foreign signing. They close in on Arabian striker Prince Faizal Mohammed bin Maktoum al Shamir bin Sayeed.

- Les Ferdinand falls out with the Bolton groundsman after his lack of pace causes him to leave a glistening slug-like trail across the pitch.

- Liverpool's new Frenchman Djibel Cisse is forced to give up his hobby of pheasant shooting after complaining that the game over here moves too fast for him.

- Fulham propose to change their club badge to a 3-pin electric plug. The club said it would more accurately represent the electric atmosphere at Craven Cottage.

- Pompey keeper Shaka Hislop installs an answerphone on his six yard line with the message, "Sorry I'm not in but leave the ball in the back of the net and I'll get back to you."

- On Breakfast with Frost, Arsene Wenger is asked what he thinks of De Gaulle? "It was definitely offside," replies Wenger.

- Gay fans vote Steve Bruce as the Premiership's sexiest manager. Nobody tells Steve it's because he's got a face like an arse.

- WBA revealed that their attendance figures have exactly doubled. Things are expected to return to normal as soon as Gary Megson's touchline ban is over.

- Man United launch a fifth away kit made entirely of Velcro. It's called 'the rip-off'.

- Sir Bobby Robson finally turns into Ron Manager, answering Garth Crooks, "Offside? Wasn't it? Isn't it? Pundits for goalposts. Ooh marvellous."

- More bad news for Rio Ferdinand as thieves steal his prized collection of books. Worse, he hadn't even finished colouring half of them.

- Everton supremo and theatrical luvvie Bill Kenwright finally manages to give an interview without looking like he's about to burst into tears.

- After Gadafy fails to buy Palace, another feared and bearded mad dictator tries to buy Arsenal. Luckily the Gunners turn down Ken Bates' offer.

- Bin Laden attempts to get his hands on a weapon of mass destruction, but United inform him Roy Keane is not for sale.

- Barry Davies quotes Shakespeare or Chaucer during at least one particularly gritty encounter.

- After Bolton scrape three away draws, Sam Allardyce is touted as the next England manager.

- Cash strapped Everton are forced into a player clearout with a 'Buy one, get Duncan Ferguson free' offer.

- Man United's Alan Smith is offered a box for life at Leeds. But turns it down because he doesn't like the handles.

- It's revealed that Graeme Souness and Mark Lawrenson's missing moustaches have set up a love nest in Liverpool and are trying for a beard.

- After being advised to try computer dating, Rio Ferdinand is spotted in Chinawhite with a shapely Apple Mac.

- Graham Poll is caught licking his own reflection in his dressing room mirror.

- The opposition are awarded a penalty at Old Trafford. No, hang on. That really is a bit far fetched!

Welcome to the 9th N&R FL

46 teams will contest this season's Nobby & Ready's Football Fantasy League. We hope you like the new dedicated website. The 1st week's scores are in and will be announced shortly.